I thought I had seen it all. In my nearly eight years of using the Internet, I've been threatened by lawsuits from webmasters, psychotic game developers, heavy metal bands, adult men who wear diapers, and even more psychotic game developers. I had never, in my entire life, thought I would eventually receive a lawsuit from THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Well, not exactly the Ultimate Warrior, but his "Director of Communications," whatever that means. I guess that's the guy who picks up the phone when it rings and then turns it around the correct way so Mr. Ultimate Warrior is speaking into the correct end.

Zack "The Human Lawsuit" Parsons wrote up Mr. Warrior's homepage as an Awful Link of the Day last Friday, and to be quite honest, he really didn't say anything terribly harsh about the guy. Well, at least not compared to our normal Awful Links of the Day, where we all chip in and attempt to make the respective webmasters commit suicide in the shortest timespan possible. The Ultimate Warrior, a washed-up, has-been WWF superstar, has apparently taken a few too many blows to the skull with folding chairs because he's now an ultra-conservative blowhard, launching tirades against every single underhanded liberal conspiracy he can find inside the dark abyss of his mind. He recently spoke at the University of Connecticut, and was quoted as saying (among other gems), "queering don't make the world work" and, upon being asked a question by a student from the Middle East, advised him to "get a towel." Ha ha, get it? Because he's a towelhead! Oh those crazy Arabs, when will they ever learn?!? Zack's writeup of the Warrior's site described him as a "crazy racist," which I personally feel was letting the guy off quite easy.

Chris Lewis, The Ultimate Warrior's "Director of Communications," apparently didn't agree.

FROM: Chris Lewis cl9904@msn.com
TO: webmaster@somethingawful.com
CC: mrwarrior@earthlink.net

As Director of Communications for Ultimate Creations, Inc. - which owns all rights associated with the wrestling character Ultimate Warrior - part of my job is to address any violations of Ultimate Creations' intellectual property rights associated with the character. Consider this email as your fair notice that we consider your site to be in violation of those rights.

A current posting on your site refers to the Ultimate Warrior as a "racist" - a statement that is not true, and is clearly libelous.

Furthermore, Ultimate Creations, Inc. has never authorized you or anyone affiliated with your website to use the image or likeness of Ultimate Warrior.

If the offending portion of your post is not removed by 9 AM on Monday, April 11, 2005, we will be forced to take appropriate legal action to address the libel and unauthorized use of the Ultimate Warrior likeness. We also expect an apology for your outrageous accusations against Warrior.

Chris Lewis
Director of Communications
Ultimate Creations, Inc.

Well how do ya likes that! It would appear that voicing your opinion on the Internet is now highly illegal, especially if it is negative and involves rambling neo-conservatives who used to tie bicycle streamers around their arms. That's strange, I always thought the conservatives were the guys who loved free speech and the Founding Fathers and the 10 Commandments and all that other crap which grants me the liberty to call people "fags" on the Internet without having to worry about the government breaking down my door and lobbing wheelbarrows full of tear gas into my extensive DDR dance pad stockpile. I obviously have no idea how the Internet, and most of America for that matter, operates! And yes, the Ultimate Warrior really has an Earthlink email address... an ULTIMATE Earthlink address.

FROM: Rich Kyanka lowtax@somethingawful.com
TO: cl9904@msn.com

Dear Chris Lewis, Director of Communications for Ultimate Creations, Inc.,

Since I assumed your client, Mr. Ultimate Warrior, fell off the face of the Earth sometime after his stunning career in the WWF, I had to do an Internet search and determine exact what your client, Senor Warrior, was up to these days. I naturally expected to read a lengthy series of news snippets with titles such as "FORMER WRESTLER SPEAKS OUT AGAINST TOOTH DECAY" or "PREVIOUS WWF SUPERSTAR CLAIMS VICTORY OVER HALITOSIS," but instead I discovered he is a very animated, lively conservative activist!

I read his article about something happening at the University of Connecticut, and believe your zealous pursuit of legal action goes against Dr. Warrior's own wishes. For example, he writes:

"It's funny how you could find the words to distance yourselves from the truths I was unafraid to tell, but could not find any words - not one - to tell about the indecent, moronic, and uncivil acts of those who were present who literally threaten the sanity and lawfulness of this world. Every single word you wrote and each silent implication you made said nothing less than that you were unoffended and OK with your opponents' exercise of their First Amendment rights, but offended by mine simply because I put them down bluntly and without political correctness."

This exactly describes what is occurring here. People are using their First Amendment rights "to tell about the indecent, moronic, and uncivil acts of those who were present." Your issue here arises because your label of who the uncivil folks were differs from theirs. You are attempting to squash their First Amendment rights under the guise of yet another liberal lawsuit, claiming "oh free speech is a-okay just as long as it doesn't offend me personally!"

So which side is your spokesperson for? Free speech or censorship? You guys sound an awful lot like a liberal operation to me, whining and threatening lawsuits when your precious "free speech" offends you. You guys, of all people, should be able to realize that.

If King Warrior would like a free forums account to defend himself against the opinions of others, tell me to email me with what details he'd like and I'll give him one. But hell, I'm not going to remove anything or apologize for folks using their god-given right to express their own opinions, and you can set whatever deadline on whatever date you like, but you're not going to scare me with your whiny liberal tactics.

- Rich

As you can tell, I assumed the easiest way to irk these people would be by comparing them to their arch-rivals, the dreaded LIBERALS. I thought my email came off pretty friendly and nice, as I even offered Mr. Warrior of the Ultimate Variety a FREE FORUMS ACCOUNT (up to a $29.95 value!). I thought that would be just completely awesome. Imagine, the Ultimate Warrior on the Something Awful forums, suplexing nerds all over the joint and generally just tearing ass all over the Internet.

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