People will do anything to be cool, even if it is a bloated nonsensical mutation of its original meaning. Remember the violence surrounding Starter Jackets? Well, atheism is the Starter Jacket of the Internet. Innocent people are getting attacked everywhere because of this new trend, but with a lot less crack cocaine.

Atheist.Before I start, let's cover the three main factors of atheism.

1) Atheism Has Been Around Forever
Uuurg the nomad sticks penis in fire. Fire burns penis. Uuurg says a spirit lives in the fire. The spirit is angry. Later that day, his brother Hroqar says he's full of shit.

2) Atheism Relies on Religion
Though atheism is the sworn enemy of religion, it cannot exist without it. Religion is the pitcher, atheism the batter--you need both to have a boring struggle for power.

3) Atheism is Really Fucking Simple
Bible, Torah, Qur'an, scriptures, no need; atheists follow the official dogma of "Nuh-Uh."

Is there anything wrong with atheism? No. The only problem with atheism is the Internet, where people with low self-confidence in IRC rooms and game servers align with any group that either accepts their self-diagnosed problems or allows them to force their opinions onto others. Basically, Atheism is the new Aspergers--Catholics are now responsible for their awkwardness, not mental illness.

For your own sake, don't say any of this to an atheist. To a believer (are they called believers of atheism, or disbelievers of religion?) Well, to an atheist, his or her "faith" is an extremely complex system of beliefs. But, the central philosophy is little more than "the opposite of whatever religion says, 'cause religion's for idiots." Atheism is the ant farm of beliefs; there's no queen but the workers still follow, digging their own tunnels of meaning and getting extremely pissed off if you shake their tiny world.Atheist.

So while technology is breaking apart ancient religious theories with new discoveries, it is also destroying atheism by giving the followers an equal voice. The atheists are executing the most passive-aggressive jihad ever against all religions. A true Crusade of Apathy. I love seeing people of different faiths discuss religion with atheists. It's like a group of college grads, some in fine arts, others in business, and the dude who dropped out of middle school to work at the Circle K down the block. How serious is atheism? Why don't you see for yourself at their headquarter...errr... I mean wikipedia article. "Yeah, it's long, and starred, yes a star means it's a featured article, no big deal really. Our main purpose is to inject anti-religious paragraphs into random articles." The Christianity article is almost surpassed by criticism of Christianity. All over the world, theists are getting FUKN OWNED by the hour, and they don't even know it! But if subtle corrections to encyclopedia articles aren't powerful enough to open eyes, atheists resort to plan two: calling Jews, Muslims, and Christians fags.

This very second, there is a huge body of young atheist extremists set on ruining as many lives as possible... on the internet, never in person (much like Ron Paul supporters, actually they are probably the same 8%.) These atheists are bloodthirsty, soulless (self-proclaimed), and they hunt the Internet for arguments and beliefs to troll. No message board is safe from their loose collection of semi-beliefs, lines copy/pasted from wikipedia, and database of a million image macros. They're absolutely ruthless.

And that's what atheism has become. An edgy fad. Bashing "mainstream thinking" is cool, so the most counterculture thing to do is aim for religion. How anti-establishment. How individualistic. How fucking obnoxious. But what can you expect from a generation who's mythos is based around night elves and Yoshi? Noah didn't save the animals, Sonic the Hedgehog did by defeating Dr. Robotnik. They've been a survivor, a healer, the first son, and the omega in 8 bit and 3-D. Amen.

The final verdict on all world beliefs relies on one test, and one test only. Microsoft Word auto-capitalizing.

Sorry atheism, looks like you didn't make the cut this year. Maybe you'll count as a serious population group in Office2009.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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