Dear Superintendent Marsh,

When I arrived to teach my pupils this Monday I was alarmed to find several posters and plaques removed from my classroom and placed, disrespectfully, in a cardboard box in the teacher's lounge. My surprise turned to anger when I realized a substitute teacher was in my classroom at that you had reacted to "a number of complaints" from parents by suspending me from my geometry work with the kids pending review. This sort of public humiliation and mistreatment is completely out of line.

I have been teaching geometry at Dylan Public Schools for almost fifteen years now and I do not see anywhere in the handbook that it says I can't place some icons of my beliefs up in this classroom. Mrs. Kinsey has a Beatles poster up in her language arts classroom.

Do you mean to tell me that a rock and roll band has more importance than a little faith to the lives of these students? I think it was Ringoman who said that he was the next Jesus Christ. Beatlemania was basically a religion is what I am trying to say. I seem to recall you and several other teachers defending the pre-game prayer circles. How about defending my rights to share the Lord with my students? Is that too much to ask? Is it because I'm not Lutheran like you?

I have spoken with several parents of students in my classes and they have all agreed with me that I am well within my rights. I can provide a petition if needed. Do I need to go that far? I will take it to the local news channel out of Perrysville. See what Kent Cooper does when I blow the lid off your discrimination.

All I ask for from the district and from anyone on the board is the right to display my faith just like any other teacher. Geometry and children are my greatest passions in life, but my beliefs are an important part of my identity and are protected by the United States Constitution. What you had Ted and the volunteer janitors do to my classroom is tantamount to a hate crime.

You had Ted tear down a depiction of the central tenets of my faith - the Ten Commandments inscribed upon the Lead-shod Tablet of the Initiates of the Ziggurat of Axius - from its place on the wall. The first commandment is to always be at peace with the angles of man and nature, otherwise I would be raising heck and ready for a Donnybrook.

If you had bothered to learn anything about my religion you would know that Axius, the Multi-faceted, Impossible Circle, Triangle of 181 Degrees, the Hyper Diadem, the Convergence of All Regions, the Supreme Vertex, has EVERYTHING to do with geometry. It is through my faith in Axius that I have become one of his disciples and embarked upon a holy mission to spread his gospel.

Are you familiar with Gregor Mendel? I am sure Mr. Cranston is, seeing as how his entire classroom of Modern Biology owes its existence to Gregor Mendel. Did you know he was a monk? Shall we omit any mention of him from Mr. Cranston's classroom? Scrub the history of science because his existence is an inconvenience? I hope the answer is obvious to these questions.

Axius has spoken to me in my dream journeys to his zero point realm. I have touched his face and seen all angles folding outwards from his divine shape. Just because I put up ALL HAIL AXIUS on a banner above my chalkboard and explained a little bit to the children about using lucid dreaming techniques to travel to the zero point realm with me does not give you the right to deny me access to my classroom. I have never suffered such a humiliation! My symbols were dumped in a box like old board games. My Hyper Orrery is bent and no longer works.

Also I must address your charges about undressing in front of the children. I was still wearing my full underwear and did not "touch myself" inappropriately as posited by Vice Principal Howser. This was an instructional event. If my demonstration had not been cut short by the end of the period I would have demonstrated my methods for passing through a Tindolian angle to enter the zero point realm.

Sure, if you want to deprive children of the transcendent convergence of all space and time to a single point, go ahead and fire me for taking off my shirt. If, on the other hand, you want these kids to actually learn something, then maybe you should take your big government out of my classroom. Get off our backs (the teachers) and let us do what we came here to do: teach.

In honor of Axius.

All hail Axius!

Dave McBride
Geometry Teacher
557th Level Hyper Hierophant of Axius

– Dave McBride, Geometry Teacher (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful