Dear Netflix Subscriber,

we have some good news and bad news about your account. Mostly bad news. Alright, it's terrible with a little bad mixed in, but we promise there's some good news there at the end. Just hang in there.

We regret to inform you that we are changing the account structure for all Netflix accounts so that now you must purchase a Classic Netflix Account for $8.99 to receive that copy of Cyrus that you forgot you saved to your queue six months ago.

If you would prefer to watch Blu-Ray movies in HD and you have a Classic Netflix Account you can purchase a Blu-Ray Disc Upgrade for an additional $8.99 per month. Blu-Ray discs offer unparalleled fidelity and unlike our gray label DVDs all of the features haven't been stripped out and replaced with advertisements for The Blind Side you cannot skip past.

If you want to do more than place a DVD on your kitchen counter and procrastinate watching it so badly you forget what it's even about then you will have to purchase a Netflix Streaming Account. This account will grant you access to millions of hours of weird movies where Jesus runs a diner or a ghost appears to convince a woman not to go through with an abortion, as well as our thousands of lesbian movies that are way less cool than the description sounds.

Please Note: due to the cost of imaginary bloops and bleeps, your default Netflix Streaming Account will only allow you to stream to one device at a time. If you left Human Centipede on pause at the house you can't watch episodes of Cagney and Lacey on your laptop at work. For a modest $8.99 monthly fee you can add streams to your account allowing you to watch a science fiction movie starring Bai Ling while your screaming children are in the other room, pacified by their own stream of Human Centipede.

ATTENTION: As of next week Netflix will no longer be offering home DVD or Blu-Ray delivery. If you have a Netflix Streaming Account it will remain with Netflix and your DVD or Blu-Ray Netflix Classic Account will be moved to our new Qwikster service. Qwikster will bring you all of the great service you have come to expect from Netflix with the convenience of managing to completely separate queues and recommendation streams.

Qwikster Games is a new, premium Qwikster upgrade for your Netflix account available for the introductory price of only $8.99 per month. With Qwikster Games you can enjoy our catalog of game rentals delivered to your door for as long as the post office exists. When it shuts down we're closing this thing down faster than you could imagine to keep our streaming service running.

You may have noticed a technical glitch due to traffic on our servers which caused double middle fingers to appear over your account information. We are pleased to announce Netflix Streaming Account holders and Qwikster Account holders are now eligible to receive our Trouble Free upgrade. For the limited offer of $8.99 per month, Netflix and Qwikster are teaming up to get you going on your account and remove the double middle fingers from the screen.

The good news is that we have streamlined our library interface by removing thousands of movies and all original content from the Starz Network. You're welcome!

Hey, do you guys have any interest in renting weird porno movies for $8.99 a month? The Jerxster service will mail you discs smeared with more filth than a bacteria culture and we'll probably accidentally dump your vile Jerxster queue into your normal Netflix/Qwikster queue right next to all those Baby Einstein videos. Enjoy.

Thank you for continuing to subscribe to Netflix eight different ways!

Walter Netflix and your friends at Netflix.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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