This week: State Og at the movies and the Og mailbag.

State Og has decided to launch a full scale invasion of the American cinema this summer and we are offering you the inside scoop on our upcoming projects. We suggest you read on as we have ways of knowing that you did not and also ways of jimmying that window that faces north in your bedroom and slipping several thousand centipedes into your bed. Most of our projects are in post production. Our director has been former African dictator Sebastian "Big Prince" Mokali, who we worked with on last year's haunted house to raise funds for our charity organization "Money for State Og and Former African Dictators with the Last Name Mokali". Our cast of talented actors has been three confused Japanese people we kidnapped from a tour group along with all the vagrants and hookers we could force at sword point to act.

Here's our summer/fall lineup with insider facts about the production of each:

  • Little Detectives: Two wisecracking girls solve crimes and enjoy ponies. We couldn't get any children to be in this film so we had two legless Vietnam vets play the roles of Missy and Patty. Ponies were also difficult to come by; they were replaced with burlap bags filled with cockroaches. For evil mastermind and bank robber John Dark we inserted stock footage of a lion taking down a gazelle. Unfortunately, halfway through filming, the actor portraying Patty somehow caught fire and burned to death during the flamethrower attack sequence. We are editing in stills of his face and dubbing in new audio for all of the scenes he missed out on!
  • Break Dance Party Mexico: Unable to send the whole cast to Mexico, we brought Mexico to us, breaking in to Chi-chi's at night and filming there. Luckily the Japanese people we kidnapped from that tour group were all very adept at break dancing, or at least learned quickly when "Big Prince" menaced them with his cavalry saber. The plot for this movie evolved during production from a story about five attractive catholic schoolgirls who go to Mexico to discover themselves. It became a story about three Japanese break dancers who travel to a Mexican talent competition to win three platters of fried ice cream. The talent show judge was played by stock footage of a lion taking down a gazelle.
  • Moon Attack Invasion 2: The highly anticipated sequel to our facility documentary "State Og Industrial Incinerator", this movie has it all; danger, romance, lots of footage of the State Og Industrial Incinerator. The moon aliens were actually ballistic test dummies from our cannon lab that "Big Prince" beat over the faces of several prostitutes and vagrants. They fought back by crying and trying to pull box-cutters on him before he could cut off their hands with his saber. With some creative editing we should be able to work this into an intense dramatic sequence wherein they lure the moon aliens into the incinerator. We have reels of footage of real aliens burning in that thing.
  • Girls Gone Wild: Extreme Crying: Catering to the voyeuristic straight-to-video market we have assembled over two hours of the hottest women crying in despair you will ever see. We achieved this by going dressed as police officers to the homes of women whose spouses work in the police department. We then told them that their husband was shot and killed in the line of duty and filmed the hot and honest reaction of these sluts. As an added bonus we have also included the tearful reaction of our female employees who went to pick up their children from the State Og daycare facility only to find that it had burned to the ground. We waited until we had captured a lot of sexy crying before letting them know that a few of the kids survived with debilitating burns.
  • The Blair Hit Man Project: Three film students travel into the woods to find out about the legend of the Blair Hit Man, only to get lost and get killed execution style one after another by mob hit man Vinny Mossoman. The film students were portrayed by the Japanese tourists, while Mossoman played himself. Two of the tourists were brutally killed before we realized Vinny was using live ammunition, the survivor can be seen in our Girls Gone Wild: Extreme Crying video.

We would like to take a little time to address some letters we have received recently in the State Og mailbag. For those kids who enjoy a good game, we have hidden a coded message to one of our field operatives in one of our responses, try and spot it.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I represent the Environmental Protection Agency and on behalf of the people of Deer Flats, Michigan we will be initiating an investigation of your Deer Flats facility. This investigator was alerted by people in the community that your "Compressed Meat Coils" might be leaking dangerous levels of contaminated liquid into the nearby Deer Creek. I will be contacting you again to set up an appointment to tour your facility.

Elias Shore

Dear Elias,

Our Compressed Meat Coils exceed the FDA's standards and are in line with all pollution ordinances for molded beef based power generation. An internal investigation has lead us to believe that the party responsible is actually Jeanne's Collectibles and Curios some 2 kilometers upstream. She has improperly stored several dozen barrels of toxic waste that she apparently stole from our extremely safe underground storage facility near the grade school. We also are interested in knowing the names and home addresses of every person who complained to you.

Blessed be,
State Og

You Evil Bastards!

I bought your product, The Lil' Tyke Glass Catapult, from your factory outlet store for my son's 8th birthday. He was so excited to see that I had gotten it for him, but when he opened package all that was inside was the rotten corpse of a rat. You ruined my son's birthday!

Jeanne McMurray
Jeanne's Collectibles and Curios

Dear Jeanne,

Due to the fact that you made your purchase at a factory outlet rather than a licensed State Og retailer we can only replace your defective Lil' Tyke Glass Catapult with an identical model. If you would like another dead rat, please return the packaging and unused portion to the factory outlet and we will be happy to replace it. On an unrelated note; Agent Sigma, install the chemical release system into the EPA's ventilation system then move carefully to the first floor men's room. Bite down on the cyanide capsule installed into your right molar and collapse dead to the floor.

Blessed be,
State Og

– Zack

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