At this time last year Nintendo had already announced the SNES Classic. So why haven't we heard a peep about the N64 Classic?

  • Nintendo hasn't been able to find a manufacturing partner that can reliably mass-produce tens of thousands of fucked up controllers with broken c-sticks.
  • The UI designers are having a heck of a time resizing the game selection interface to make six titles seem like a decent collection.
  • Nintendo is engaged in drawn-out talks with Sony, ironing out the details on the system's MiniDisc drive.
  • Thanks to HDMI output and the inherent efficiency of modern rendering technology, the console's graphics are not a fuzzy smeared nightmare butthole. This means fans would not consider the N64 Classic an accurate recreation of the original system.
  • Every day someone at Nintendo loads Paperboy and halts production, convinced there's something terribly wrong with the hardware because there is no way a video game could possibly be meant to look or play like that.
  • The entire N64 Classic team is too enamored with the idea of a GameCube Classic to work on their assigned project. The GameCube is just so dang cute and perfect! The little handle, the curved grey controller port panel, the pebbled frostee-like texture, those round chunky system buttons... You guys, hear me out. We should just skip right to the GameCube Classic. We all know it's the best-looking console ever made, and maybe the best all-around console as well.
  • An internal mix-up resulted in the manufacturing of miniature-sized rumble paks which were way too small to fit in the normal-sized controllers, and normal-sized expansion paks which were way too large to fit in the miniature-sized consoles.
  • A fight broke out and several members of the design team were hospitalized after it was revealed that one of them would have to play with a third party Superpad controller.
  • Due to a misplaced decimal point, the prototype N64 Classic turned out ten times smaller than intended. Everyone at the factory is crawling around on their hands and knees looking for it. The project's engineer would fix the blueprints, but she used a needlessly strong compression algorithm when saving the file and now its icon is too small to see on her 4K monitor.
  • Ongoing mechanical issues with the system's internal Superman 64 fog machine.
  • The team was like, "GoldenEye? Of course! Let's go play it, I haven't touched that game in years!" After one round the room went silent. Someone dejectedly powered the system off and began to say something, then thought better of it. The uncomfortable moment has yet to be broken. No one has stepped out of the room in eighteen days.
  • The Nintendo 64 isn't a very good console.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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