It all started with forums user DeathTramp requesting help with an uninteresting problem that had obvious solutions:
"OK, so I have this Gamecube. It looks like this.
If I sell it, I'll get at most 20 dollars, but I've seriously asked friends to take it from me and no one wants it. So I thought I'd ask SA: What do I do with this gamecube?"
The SA Goons came up with clever suggestions, all of which were ignored. Instead, gross stuff happened, including a goatsplosion, scatological forensics and possibly a blown-off finger. (None of this involved a GameCube.)
What follows is either a series of inspiring displays of devotion to an Internet community, or a dispiriting example of how people disregard creative options to wallow in hapless depravity. Maybe you will think these happenings are actually cool; perhaps you will just enjoy mocking the participants and/or lamenting what humanity has become.
OK, back to the start: DeathTramp's GameCube dilemma. Goons initially reacted with concern (for the GameCube):
"I am going to be sad when you hurt that Gamecube." -- YOURFRIEND
Eventually, Goon-care spread to poor, gameless kids. Achmed Jones was the first to suggest organizations such as Child's Play, Home of the Innocents and Get Well Gamers. A bunch of other Goons supported this quality option, but I'm not going to reproduce their posts in Comedy Goldmine, because "give a thing to charity" isn't funny. Unless ...
"Put it in a PS3 box and then donate it to a kid." -- President Kucinich
"Put the Gamecube on the end of a fishing line and reel it in sporadically as the needy child chases it, a la Looney Tunes." -- Miau"Turn it into a tampon dispenser, then donate it to a children's hospital. I'm sure there's sick kids that have their first period in the hospital. What better to help them through those tough times than the Tamcube?" -- Quantify!
Chinatown attempted reverse psychology: "Whatever you do, do not under ANY circumstances donate it to the poor."
Volcott reversed it back: "Remember, if you don't donate your gently used video game systems to the poor and Irish, you are basically Hitler."
Then things got a little rough and rude for a spell.
MORE IDEAS PLEASE
"Eat it. Eat that gamecube. For charity." -- Lowclock
"Put some dots on it to turn it into a big die. Then bring it to the casino and demand to use it at the craps table." -- Zoowick
"Paint it like a die and hang it from your rear view mirror, then drive your car into a children's hospital/homeless shelter/homeless children's sheltspital claiming it was obstructing your view and sue Nintendo for one million dollars." -- BillyandCloneasaur
"Hollow it out and use it to hide weed from your mom." -- Good Citizen
"Hollow it out and use it to hide weed from MY mom." (She'll never look there.) -- Beatnik-Filmstar
"Make it into a hat! Hollow that shit out and make a goddamn hat." -- Zorba the Greek
"Learn electronics and programming and make it into a robot friend." -- Locus
"Stand on it to jump into a previously unreachable area." -- Blurry Gray Thing
"Do a thing with it haha. do a thing and video tape. lol so wrong (but it feels so right)" -- Smokey
This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.