Supergirl

Up, up, and away!Supergirl is the kind of porno movie that I would probably make if I were a porn director. It's full of ugly people who seem to have been selected solely for their ability to make their eyes bug out while ejaculating or unhinge their lower jaw so you can see their cavity filled teeth. It has a wacky supernatural plot and almost creepily bad special effects coupled with kooky sexual set pieces. On top of all this the sex scenes are awful. They're overflowing with razor burned bikini areas, repetitive and slightly nauseating humping. The actresses either look like the women who scream outside of the methadone clinic or some sort of awful mix up involving tied balloons and a clown at some kid's birthday party. The male actors similarly vary between fat bug-eyed guys who yell a lot and have problems maintaining an erection through the grueling ordeal of a blowjob and feather-haired Euro trash that look like they belong in the background of one of the Matrix movies.

The movie opens much like any great movie; with a flat faced and sweaty guy in an office receiving an extremely long blowjob from a skank who never makes a sound. While the pale guy grunts and groans we see that an overweight balding man in a business suit is waiting impatiently in the adjoining room. After icing the syphilis flavored skank face cake with his natural butter cream the sweaty guy is called into the adjoining room by the fat guy. From what I gathered from their conversation the fat guy is mad about an article that was written about him in a newspaper. He's on the cover and he shakes it angrily in his perspiring henchman's face so that's the only logical conclusion I can reach.

STOP GETTING BLOWJOBS WHILE I'M TRYING TO YELL!Make no mistake, even though the film is "Supergirl" the balding fat villain is actually the star of the movie. His acting style is what you would expect from someone being directed by an armed terrorist holding his family hostage and insisting that he "act really hard". Sex Luthor - and knowing porno movies there's a good chance that's the character's actual name - instructs his henchman to take care of the people responsible for the article. Good old Sweaty McBlowjob calls up his buddy "sinister bald guy in a car" and hatches some sort of nefarious scheme that's way too stupid and German for me to fully grasp.

Meanwhile in the grim communist cityscape of eastern Germany a guy who looks exactly like Dee Snyder is conversing with a feather-haired dork in a Calvin Klein hat. Twisted Sister is trying to sell Calvin Klein some photographs or something, implying that CK One is the guy responsible for the article that got Sex Luthor so riled up. I'm sure the movie comes out and states specifically that, but unfortunately the better part of my German vocabulary can be heard chanted in a monotone in a KMFDM song so I've got to rely on visual cues. Once some deal is made the scene shifts to an apartment or office or something where the incognito Supergirl is speaking with her goofy and gangly female assistant. They exchange a few words auf Deutsch and then Big Bird leaves Supergirl alone to have a vision of danger.

Her eyes glow and a really bad looking video cloud appears in the air next to her with a thick green border. Inside we see Calvin Klein standing around next to some blue barrels and then a truck driving. This is apparently enough to merit a rescue and Supergirl takes to the skies in her really bad spandex costume. The barrel-side danger is a hop, skip, and a shitty flying sequence away. Somewhat disguised, the sinister bald guy from earlier appears to be about to shove CK into the path of the oncoming truck even though its oncoming very slowly from about half a mile away. Luckily Supergirl prances into frame just in time to shoot smoke out of her mouth at the truck and arrest its forward movement.

Supergirl has at least the strengh of 1/4th of a man.Realizing the jig is up, the bald guy runs away only to reappear where he was a few seconds earlier and confronts Supergirl next to the barrels. He begins hurling the blue plastic drums at Supergirl Donkey Kong style, but she easily avoids them. He makes his fatal mistake when he throws a smaller trash can that looks to be made from aluminum foil. Supergirl catches it and, after a sort of amusingly long grunting sequence, crushes the ends a little bit. The guy boggles comically and then runs away in terror.

Meanwhile, five feet away, Calvin Klein is standing idly around like nothing is going on when he notices a piece of kryptonite laying on the ground. He puts it in his pocket moments before the re-disguised Supergirl shows up to give him a lift in her sporty beat up blue subcompact. When she gets close to him she sneezes. Oh no! They head back to her home or office and have some messy unappealing sex on her couch. Newsflash; Supergirl apparently likes anal! The following morning Big Bird walks in on the happy couple laying in what looks like a bed covered with predatory cats and starts babbling in her Aryan crazy talk.

Big Bird is a pretty scary dame. She's got a giraffe like neck and teeth that look like a cross between a deep sea angler and a cow. Maybe she has some sort of hideous genetic disorder that filled her mouth with multiple rows of chicklet-sized molars. Whatever the cause for her terrifying cud-cutters, Big Bird's intrusion breaks up the snuggle fest taking place in the cheetah pit and Supergirl heads off in a fur coat.

Smells like trouble.Back in Sex Luthor's office, the pudgy provocateur screams at his henchman a lot more and rolls his eyes wildly like he's got rabies. Instead of taking Old Yeller out back, Luthor's henchman humbly agrees and then heads into a weird blue-walled Jacuzzi room to get naked with the closest thing to an attractive woman this movie has. If you're thinking what I'm thinking then you're thinking that they probably have more unappealing sex in the Jacuzzi. This is true, but it's only half of the story.

There are two weird things going on this scene. The first is that there's a curtain in the background and two seemingly naked women in silhouette can be seen caressing each other in slow motion. Considering how unattractive most of the women are in this movie I shudder at the thought of what those two gals behind the curtain look like. On top of that the henchman seems to really want to go bowling. I say this because he repeatedly sticks three fingers all the way in the mouth of the woman and pushes her head back like he's trying to score a strike. She doesn't seem to mind, but I do.

The scene ends with a vile open-mouth facial on the woman that shows off her ability to open her mouth incredibly wide and the extensive state of decay of her front teeth. It's quite an artistic juxtaposition! The white façade of her front teeth, the solid black creeping mass of decay backing them, and the spraying geysers of man-batter like columns of light breaking through storm clouds. I nearly wept.

We either love or hate Sex Luthor!Following the climactic jizztravaganza the elated couple shares a few words and then the henchman gets really mad for some unknown reason and attempts to drown Sweet Tooth. Luckily for our dental hygiene impaired friend Supergirl is just leaving some sort of office building when she has another one of her shitty visions about the woman being drowned. She takes to the skies and bursts into the creepy Jacuzzi chamber in time to knock the henchman unconscious and rescue the damsel in distress. Unfortunately, she doesn't hand out complimentary tooth brushes with her rescues.

Outside of a building Sex Luthor goes face to face with a small group of people holding up signs with his picture on them and a news camera crew. I couldn't tell if the people were protesting or showing their support. Either way, Luthor shouts and gestures in a very animated fashion with his gigantic cigar.

The next scene features a disguised Supergirl driving a Porsche down the street and stopping next to what appears to be a street whore to let her into the car. They embrace like old friends and then drive off. This mysteriously segues into a scene in a garage, with the Porsche and who I assume is the woman Supergirl picked up on the street vamping around the mechanic working on the car. They start having a sex and then some other guy wanders in and starts having sex with her too. Look, these things happen. It's only natural that if you walk in and see two people having sex you just immediately disrobe and plunge your throbbing erection into any available opening.

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Sleep!Let's get one thing straight, I hate DP sex scenes in porn. There are a lot of types of porn I dislike but I just don't understand the appeal of a woman riding a guy while another guy feeds tube charges up her ass. The greasy and strained distress of her hindquarters in this case reminded me of nothing so much as Guiness Book of World Records competitions to see how many hot dogs someone can shove in their mouth. Could you jerk off looking at some guy with a twelve pack of Hebrew Nationals distending his gullet? Apparently some people like it though so, okay, at least it's not horrifying.

Back in Luthor's office, the evil mastermind is joined by a smarmy skinny guy with horrible facial hair matched only by a horrible complexion. After sharing some pleasant conversation the two retire to a brothel where they are treated to sloppy blowjobs from a couple of women. The two girls look like they were found unconscious in an alleyway by the movie's casting department and then given cocaine and a makeover with a lipstick encrusted shovel. The most frustrating thing about this scene is that there is an actually hot woman in it and she just sits there uncomfortably before leaving. WHY DO YOU MOCK US?

Sex Luthor and his unctuous companion both have difficulty maintaining erections during this painfully long sequence. Who can blame them? I have had sex with hands more attractive than these women, and most hands don't come equipped with jagged bacteria-laden teeth poised to till the field of your penis and plant a bounty of crippling venereal disease. Luthor and Slip N' Slide ooze sweat like they're at a barbecue in Mississippi as the girls mouth, prod, and hump the guy's semi-flaccid members. While that's going on, the aging bull dyke that runs the brothel places a call to a photographer. Seconds after closing their eyes and thinking of baseball long enough to achieve orgasm Luthor and chum are interrupted by the photographer.

The camerman bursts in and takes a picture while laughing. Luthor's eyes bug out like he just got Totally Recalled to the surface of Mars and his companion shouts, but neither makes a move to hide their shame by throwing a blanket over the hideous shoggoths in the bed with them.

Calvin Klein has quite an "O!" face.Luthor changes into a t-shirt with his picture on it for some reason and heads over to Supergirl's pad to seek revenge for ruining his career of yelling and waving a cigar around while making bug-eyes. Janie's got a gun, and the majority of the pathetic cast gathers in casa de Supergirl for the final showdown. The henchman is there looking disheveled, Calvin Klein is there looking goofy and worthless, and of course the pistol-packing Luthor is there to put an end to this once and for all. Unfortunately for us, instead of quickly shooting to death the majority of the cast and then ending his own life, Luthor gets blasted by some sort of ice beam from Supergirl. This prompts her to grab Calvin Klein and fly into the air.

In possibly the longest blue screen sequence ever committed to film, Supergirl fellates Calvin Klein while a fan blows on them. What I mean to say is she gives the guy a blowjob while flying over a city. It's all wonderfully horrible to watch and Calvin Klein makes some hilarious faces to rival the best Sex Luthor had to offer. I'm including a screenshot of this sequence because I really have to call into question the physics of the flying. At times Supergirl had maybe one hand on Calvin Klein, and even this was often reduced to merely rest on top of his leg. This huge mistake has ruined the entire movie for me! Haha, just kidding folks, the entire movie ruined the entire movie for me.

Bottom Line: Supergirl is a good idea for a porno movie. What teenage boy didn't grow up lusting after the enticing curves of Wonder Woman, the firm backside of Psylocke, or the rock hard abs of Angela from Spawn? It's too bad that the concept has been so ineptly mishandled - repeatedly I might add - by the porn industry. Professional porn studios should exist to make low budget epics with fantastic or crazy themes. If I wanted ugly people humping and crappy flashing lights I'd stare at a 100 watt lamp for five minutes and then watch my neighbors across the street have sex. As a comedy, Supergirl almost succeeds, but long and boring sex scenes featuring the aforementioned ugly people get in the way of the side-splitting antics of Sex Luthor.