An attempted terrorist attack outside the Daily Planet has just been foiled by Superman. While his co-workers Gary and Dave are still marveling at what they just saw, Superman, having re-assumed his Clark Kent secret identity, saunters into the room putting on his glasses, a wry smirk in the corner of his mouth.
SUPERMAN: Hello fellas, what did I miss? That terrorist attack still happening?
GARY: Clark, you just missed the awesomest thing! Superman was here and wasted those psychos! It was nuts!
DAVE: What happened to you, man? We turned around and you were gone.
SUPERMAN: (hiding smile) I had to go ... to the bathroom.
GARY: You know, it's funny how you're always in the bathroom when Superman shows up.
SUPERMAN: Oh? That is kinda funny ...
DAVE: I think it's even funnier that whenever something scary happens, you just run away like a complete fucking pussy.
GARY: Yeah! Even when you're not in any danger at all. Remember when we saw that purse-snatcher outside the Plymouth Tower? He was running away from us, yet you blew the scene anyway!
DAVE: I forgot about that! Jesus. How does one become such a colossal pussy, Clark? Bad parenting?
SUPERMAN: I wasn't running away! I told you guys, I had to go to the bathroom. I, uh ... have IBS.
DAVE: More like IVS. Irritable Vagina Syndrome.
Dave and Gary give each other a pound, laughing. Superman heads for his desk.
SUPERMAN: Ha ha. Very funny, guys. Good laugh. Now, let's get back to work. I better write up a piece about that terrorist situation.
GARY: Right. You gonna describe what you heard over the sound of your own crying and shitting?
Dave and Gary laugh some more.
GARY: It's a good thing Superman's always around to save our ass, cause you know this chickenshit isn't gonna lift a finger to help.
DAVE: (imitating Clark's voice) Oh gee! A kitten is stuck in a tree, I better go take a shit!
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.