At a Glance:In the 1980s Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in what became known as "the greatest story ever told" or, to the lay-person, "Commando". "Lesbian Commando" builds on that powerful saga with a tale of two equally matched forces that both consist of insatiable lesbians. This cerebral film asks the audience to discover the answers to difficult questions like "are good lesbians stronger than evil lesbians?" and "why did the evil leader just spit into the mouths of all of the evil lesbian henchwomen?" What it teaches us, of course, is how to love ourselves.

Nations of Origin: Japan

Languages: All Japanese. All the time.

Sexual Content: Heavily mosaic censored and heavily hilarious.

Available From: Jlist.com


Nnnnnggggkkkkkkkk!I would like to preface this article by giving all of you wonderful readers a little bit of background information on the topic of pornography. Japan is incapable of making a decent lesbian porn movie. I don't know if it's social taboos, some sort of genetic unwillingness possessed only by the Japanese, or the general awkwardness of Japanese filmmakers. What I do know with certainty is that there is no such thing as a good Japanese lesbian porn movie, and Lesbian Commando certainly reinforces this fact. In every single girl on girl scene I have ever witnessed the girls seem half-drugged, repulsed by the fumbling sex acts they are performing on each other, and generally unwilling to place their tongue less than three inches from their partner's vagina.

Another trait of Japanese porn that has increased importance when it comes to lesbian scenes is the requisite sloppy make out session. In every single sex scene in every single Japanese porno ever filmed the people shut their eyelids like they are about to be hit with an atomic bomb and then basically lick each other's faces for five minutes. The camera inevitably swoops in close so that we can see all of the blemishes the makeup had managed to hide in the medium shots. Even reasonably attractive girls making out with each other are hot; that's a simple fact of lesbian porn. Unfortunately, when you replace "making out" with the grotesque and awkward tongue fight that goes on in all Japanese porn you get something vaguely disturbing.

It hurts to stick out our tongues!Don't get me wrong, I can sympathize with the lack of enthusiasm to an extent. I wouldn't want to make out with another guy, but you see I have the moral high ground here because I don't get paid to be filmed making out with a guy. These women are paid to kiss each other and they still look like they are trying to lick shit off of a statue of Hitler. Instead of fantasizing about the number of zeroes on their paycheck like wholesome American porn actresses, these inscrutable Japanese heathens are incapable of concealing their disgust and shame. Essentially Japanese porn offers up the sexual equivalent of schadenfreude, encouraging you to ejaculate all over the misfortune of the actresses.

That said, "Lesbian Commando (Super Sexy Unit)" is the epic story of an all female commando unit that operates above the law. When I say epic I mean it, this film is almost three and a half hours long and features numerous flashbacks, long expository sequences in a language I don't understand, and a confusing tangle of unenthusiastic lesbian sex.

The movie opens with three young women dressed like the kind of soldiers who also wear hot pants and bikinis traipsing around a forest doing vague commando activities. They are moving in on a pair of suspiciously suspicious terrorists who appear to be making a drug deal in the middle of a huge clearing while their minimal security stands around being useless. The lesbian commandos move in and dispatch the security quietly before turning their attention on the shifty duo making the deal. Before the pair can react they are gunned down in cold blood by the kind of lesbian commandos who are not ashamed to shoot a man in a Hawaiian shirt in the back. Look out Thomas Magnum!

ATTEN-HOT!Back at lesbian commando HQ the lesbian commandos are briefed on their next target; an almost certainly lesbian woman in a white outfit with a decidedly evil frown on her face. For some reason comprehensible only to the Japanese one of the woman starts screaming and moaning when she sees the target's face. This prompts one of the previously detailed makeout sessions between the conniption-prone lesbian commando and one of her compatriots. The only remaining unoccupied commando continues to discuss the mission briefing with the uniformed (and probably lesbian) commander, prompting a flashback to three years earlier "somewhere in Africa".

Meanwhile, three years earlier "somewhere in Africa", one of the lesbian commandos is on a solo mission when she is apprehended by a rival gang of evil lesbian commandos. Let me be the first to tell you that if you have to get caught by a gang of lesbian commandos you really want to hope it's the good lesbian commandos. The evil ones, it turns out, like tying you to a pool table, stripping you naked, and repeatedly shocking you while laughing. The only way to escape the evil lesbian commandos is to be thrown into a jail cell and then sexually assaulted by one of the evil commandos operating on her own. After having fifteen minutes of slobbery, toy-heavy, and uncomfortable sex with her you can knock her unconscious and escape. Personal suggestion for evil lesbian commandos: please thin out your pubic hair a little bit, it's frightening the children.

We soon discover that the passage of time has transformed the evil lesbian commandos into vinyl fetish girls who really hate men. When a knife wielding guy breaks into some bizarre ceremony being held by the stern-faced woman in white the evil lesbian commandos shoot him in the kneecaps and then throw knives through his arms. The third evil lesbian commando makes things personal by snapping his neck.

It's just like "Robinhood: Prince of Thieves" only it incorporates a few more strap-on dildos.Back at good lesbian commando HQ one of the Sapphic gals is reading the dossier given to them when one of her compatriots returns from the shower. You might be surprised to discover that this quickly leads to face-licking between the two. Their fumbling make out session is interrupted by the third lesbian commando who immediately joins them in a three way slobbering triangle. This is probably the longest and least interesting kissing sequence committed to film and is only remarkable otherwise because it baffles me to think that someone actually planned the scene and then filmed it. One thing leads to another and the girls are licking all kinds of places. We also discover that good lesbian commandos have only marginally better pubic hair grooming standards than evil lesbian commandos.

Not to be outdone, the woman in white and her three evil lesbian commandos raise the bar with some serious heavy-petting. In a weird twist following the steamy licking and rubbing activity the woman in white goes from evil commando to evil commando and spits directly into their mouths like some sort of dildo-crazed mother bird. After that I assumed the scene was at an end; that no porn director with any sense would show something like that after about 12 minutes of lesbian sex and then continue. I was, of course, totally wrong and the four girl mini-orgy continues for a breathtaking 31 minutes. I guess the creative forces behind Lesbian Commandos had an awful lot to say about four girls writhing around on a black mat.

Two of the good lesbian commandos are back in the woods around a mildly sinister building that could contain all manner of peril. One of the gals snipes a woman dressed in an ill-fighting soldier uniform. My guess is that the victim was a heterosexual girl incapable of becoming an evil lesbian commando. It turns out that the building is the current secret base of the evil lesbian commandos and their leader, a fact which is confirmed when the two good lesbian commandos are apprehended by the evil lesbian commandos. Dispensing with the electrocution and pool tables, the evil lesbian commandos converge upon the good commandos and begin licking all sorts of kooky body parts.

Finally! I'd buy that for a dollar!Back at good lesbian commando HQ the remaining good lesbian commando confers with the good lesbian commando leader and, I guess, receives instructions to rescue her comrades. It should be added that the commando mounting the rescue mission is none other than the commando previously escaped from the evil clutches of the evil lesbian commandos. Her intimate knowledge of the evil lesbian commandos and their operating procedures will no doubt give her the edge in the coming conflict. In an extremely dry montage the last good lesbian commando prepares her weapons and equipment "Commando" style for the mission ahead.

The evil commando queen is getting herself all worked up what with the "interrogation" and "torture" going on all around her. She sends for her favorite evil lesbian commando and the pair spend the better part of half an hour with their eyes shut tight and their tongues randomly making contact with whatever body parts they encounter. Back in the evil lesbian commando barracks the other two evil commandos - all dressed up in their evil lesbian PJs - decide that they haven't quite had their fill of the words "lusty" and "wantonly" and with lusty abandon they wantonly move their tongues around. From a purely pornographic standpoint this scene is probably the best, as both girls seem to have eschewed the norm in this movie and actually done some trimming in the hedges. They also both seem to get somewhat worked up, although this could be the fabled "acting" I've heard so much about finally putting in an appearance.

Where would this movie be if it didn't immediately ruin any potential erection you might be developing?! Following the stunningly lukewarm evil on evil scene in the barracks, the whole bad gang assault the two captured commandos by strapping a cock mask to one girl's face and forcing the other to suck it. Yeah, thanks for that. The kissing wasn't bad enough as it is, what we needed was more gagging and rubber dongs! As you might have guessed the cock mask goes other places besides mouths and go there it does with gusto. It also switches faces at one point and then the whole scene devolves into a good versus evil lesbian commando orgy.

The last good lesbian commando infiltrates the compound, the two captive lesbian commandos manage an escape, and they are all reunited for a final battle against the woman in white and her own lesbian commando forces. The dynamic duo deal with the evil lesbian commando and the other girl prepares to confront her white-frocked nemesis. They meet at last in what looks to be a parking garage and in a showdown that is probably only funny because I don't speak Japanese, the good lesbian commando wields a massive pistol and slays her foe.

The Horror: Despite the overabundance of crotch hair, the bird regurgitation, and the cock mask, there wasn't all that much horror in this movie. To be honest the real horror of Lesbian Commando is the harrowing length. I thought the Lord of the Rings movies were a little bit long. 200 plus minutes of mosaic-censored sleepy groin licking and quiet moaning is well over the line into intolerable territory.

Bottom Line: I love lesbians. I love commandos. You would think that this film, which addresses two of my greatest loves in life, would manage to overcome its Japaneseness and be good. Okay, I wouldn't think that, and you wouldn't think that, but I'm sure someone out there might be confused enough to think that. To those few I offer my condolences and grim warnings that Lesbian Commando effectively delivers neither lesbians nor commandos.

Acting:- 5
Story:- 8
Depravity:- 5
Originality:- 6
Erotic Value:- 7
Overall:- 31

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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