Silence of the G.A.M.S.

That'll do pig.I enjoy a good pornographic parody of a Hollywood blockbuster. When they're funny or just plain bizarre (i.e. "Edward Penishands") they succeed on concept alone. Nothing makes me appreciate the strange times we live in like seeing dildos fused to a mime's fists ejaculating across a stripper's breasts. Unfortunately, not every Hollywood parody is the next "Beetlejism". "Silence of the G.A.M.S." proves my point by taking a relatively bad choice for parody and then turning it into an incoherent mush of forced plot and bad sex.

The film begins with a James Cromwell look alike sitting at GAMS HQ; a secret government agency so secret and professional that they have a faded printout of the word "GAMS" taped to the wall. Sitting opposite the non-porcine star of "Babe: Pig in the City" is a woman roughly as attractive as smashed cat vomit. Believe it or not, she's also the star of the film. Her name is Charlie La Tour and the James Cromwell clone is named Commissioner McDick. Seated next to her is her soon-to-be partner at GAMS, the "hilariously" named Inspector Dumm. After finding out who was who my sides were splitting like wet paper bags full of cinderblocks.

Commissioner McDick instructs La Tour and Dumm to work together on the "serial cummer" case. They leave and McDick delivers a leaden monologue about how hot La Tour is, as if he can convince us that our eyes were lying and he knows the truth. He then calls in his toothy trailer-trash secretary, they read through some dialogue like they are holding a grudge against it, and then she proceeds to give him a blowjob. In case you're mistakenly turned on by the word "blowjob" let me reiterate; a snaggle-puss Hep-C carrier goes down on the farmer from the "Babe" movies. As if that weren't bad enough, they then have stunningly sweaty sex. I'm talking the kind of exertion where you can almost see the on-set medics creeping into frame with a cardiac defibrillator to keep McDick humping away.

I'd like to offer a tip for the actor who played McDick in the unlikely event that he reads this: dude, you do not have to lift your legs up really high when you're in a 69. It makes you look like a baby waiting for a diaper change.

And the Emmy goes to...Expertly intercut with the sex scene is a rambling dialogue between La Tour and Dumm that features all of the great delivery you would expect from a FedEx bathysphere. La Tour explains that she can track the serial cummer using his cum, but she can't stand to let any go to waste, setting us up for the agonizing remainder of the movie. Dumm also acts dumb. Get it? Ha ha!

After McDick has managed to coronary himself to orgasm, La Tour heads to some sort of prison facility and talks to a masturbating filthy old man. A conversation transpires between the two of them, but I literally could not understand more than five words the guy said. He talked like a Quebecer recovering from a severe stroke and I was more than a little distracted by him masturbating throughout the scene. As if showing a drooping soccer mom vagina might help things, the director decides to throw gasoline on the fire of my suffering and has La Tour masturbate along with crazy old stinky. In a stunning finale a gigantic shot of fake ejaculation sails through the bars of the cell and smacks La Tour in her ugly fucking face.

Back at GAMS HQ, McDick's unappealing wife is conspiring with her husband's secretary to get some sort of anti-sex law passed in congress. It's basically just a setup for a lesbian sequence that happens later.

Tearaway clothes by Keith's Krazy Kostumes.La Tour confers with Inspector Dumm and hits upon the idea that the serial cummer might actually be a woman. She instructs Dumm to get the most depraved female prisoner and interrogate her. Dumm brings in a woman in a prison outfit, who manages to strip out of it in the span of one second and demands attention from Dumm. The mentally challenged Inspector molests her for several minutes before heading down south for a closer look. When he makes a run below the border we get an extreme close-up of the woman's vagina and see that it is as dry as a bone. Keep in mind that this woman is in jail for being sex crazed.

Dumm is standing there holding it open so that small cars could drive in and you can see inside and it's like Death Valley. I was expecting tumbleweeds to bounce across the screen and then tiny cowboys to have a gunfight in her uterus. Following a cut and a thorough application of lubricant Dumm and Dry Gulch go at it for a few minutes before Dumm finally gives the woman some much needed moisture all over her face. La Tour returns and licks some of it off just like they did in this episode of CSI: Miami I was watching last week. Apparently Dumm's jizz tastes like Exhibit A because La Tour decides that the serial cummer is a woman who hates sex. Boot Hill tells them both that it has to be McDick's wife, because she hates sex more than anyone else.

This is enough for La Tour to seek a wiretap warrant from a judge who locks himself in jail at night to avoid sexual harassment charges. Also possibly to save money on sets. The judge is black and La Tour calls him "Long Dong Silver", meaning it's a parody of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas every bit as relevant and hilarious today as it was when Leno made 500,000 jokes about it 15 years ago. As you might expect La Tour gives the judge a blowjob. As you might not expect the entire scene uses some horrible burn effect on the video and skips 4 out 5 frames to give it an ultra realistic "you are in an episode of Dr. Who and the Daleks just shot you with a freeze ray" feel. Of course the judge enjoys his journey with the Time Lords so much that he signs the wiretap warrant.

Not impossible. Inevitable. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.In the kooky world of pornography apparently "wiretap" also means you can release a convict and rape a woman. La Tour - wearing a wonderfully ridiculous jacket that Arsenio Hall briefly and tragically popularized - teams up with Tombstone Arizona to attack McDick's secretary at GAMS HQ. La Tour and Deadwood stick fingers and tongues into McDick's secretary, looking for all the world like the three worst groupies to appear backstage at a C&C Music Factory concert in 1987. McDick's secretary admits that McDick's wife is behind the serial cummer, which is enough to merit an arrest by La Tour.

La Tour busts into GAMS central and gives a patriotic speech about loving cum before slapping the cuffs on Mrs. McDick. James Cromwell's better half is immediately sent to a jail cell where a fat balding guy is getting a blowjob. He and his overtanned companion perform for the cowering Mrs. McDick. This scene is extremely by-the-numbers but it sort of amusingly notable in that the woman never once opens her eyes. Man, I guess she was just that turned on that she forgot to look at stuff. It couldn't possibly be the fact that she would burst into tears the second she could see the guy who had her bent over a prison toilet.

Case closed! As a reward for all of the hard detectiving going on in this movie La Tour agrees to have sex with Dumm. She arrives in his bedroom wearing a pair of drapes that go really well with his samurai robe. After some bad dialogue and worse foreplay they get down to business and we see that between shoots La Tour had some sort of accident that involved her ass and a rake. Also extremely erotic is that in every single medium shot in this scene La Tour looks suspiciously like Alice from "The Brady Bunch". I'm not talking the perky first season Alice either, I'm talking the worn-down, strung-out, and heavily assfucked "The Brady Bunch Movie" Alice.

"I picked this lingerie up at The Drapery. Do you like it Samurai Dumm?"The Horror: The unwashed and unshaven fat old man who speaks gibberish easily takes the win in this movie. There is a lot to dislike about "Silence of the G.A.M.S.", but nothing can top the enigma of the masturbating old guy. Was he someone's dad who desperately wanted to humiliate himself? A homeless person they found outside the set? A ghost haunting the abandoned waste treatment plant that is this movie? The world may never know.

Bottom Line: Pornographic films are rarely carried to success by things like plot or cinematography. What they rely on to keep people coming back are attractive people humping each other. When you remove the adjective "attractive" a lot fewer people will be coming back. When you replace the adjective "attractive" with "monstrous", "mangy", or "decrepit" it's a pretty safe bet that you just made an unsuccessful porn movie. To give you an idea of how visually unappealing the entire cast of this movie is; none of them appear on the box cover. They hired a model just to pose for the cover of the movie.

The unfortunate linearity of mankind's perception of time prevents me from stepping back and giving these tips to the maker's of the uniformly unpleasant "Silence of the G.A.M.S.". Instead they are forever locked down their course of droopy aging breasts, bad implants, creepy old men masturbating, and overuse of camcorder effects.