Fighting Like ATHENA

Oof!Every few months Peter Payne from J-List picks some movies he thinks I might "like" and sends them across the Pacific all the way to Chicago. These packages are almost always delayed and searched by US Customs and come complete with stickers informing me that the package has been opened by the government. I don't know what they're looking for exactly; maybe drugs or bombs. Whatever it is, they never find it in the weird videos Peter sends that feature hours of the same girl swimming laps in a pool or women pulled off the street and asked to touch a man's penis with a feather. When their diligence failed to turn up what they wanted they got lazy, they stopped searching every single package, and somehow Fighting Like ATHENA slipped through the US border to spread its terror on the unsuspecting population of me.

The terror begins with a two or three minute interview with the film's aggressive star Erika Nagai. She then demonstrates some of her karate technique by delivering a series of rapid blows to a nerdy-looking guy's kidney. The first few barely shake him but the final blow makes him cry out in agony and double over a table. Based on the shrill and girlish way he screams this man is the star of the next sequence.

No, no, no, no, NO!Fighting Like ATHENA's second scene is done in the first person perspective of a guy in a karate robe sprawled on the mat of a dojo. Erika is also wearing a karate robe with a bright red plastic strap-on dildo over her karate pants. She slaps the camera man in the face several times and then proceeds to smashing her heel into his testicles. If that wasn't enough to make you queasy there is a brief cut and then the man is naked from the waist down and suspiciously greasy. He throws his legs up in the air and the dildo foreshadowing is fully realized with a harrowing nine minute anal violation sequence. Adding to the humiliation of a first-person ass pounding courtesy of karate babe, Erika starts throwing punches into the guy's stomach. She eventually bares her breasts, which are quite nice, but they're like a flashing "APPLAUSE" sign above your cat puking all over your bed.

Once Erika is done with her naughty work on the young man he ejaculates onto his stomach and the scene ends with a happy smile. Hooray!

The next sequence takes place in an apartment where Erika is visited by two gentleman callers. After talking with them for several minutes they decide to get frisky and start grabbing and groping her. Initially, Erika is content to yell at them and be dragged into the bedroom, but when they start tearing at her clothes she starts slapping their faces, pulling their hair, and kicking them. After abusing them briefly Erika sends them packing on their hands and knees.

You tricksters! You got me again!Later that evening there is a knock at Erika's door. The two men have returned to offer their apology. I don't know about you but if I were beaten up by a woman while attempting to rape her I probably would not return to apologize. I think I would assume she still "isn't over it" and might "break my skeleton". Amazingly, Erika accepts their apology and allows both men back into her apartment. When her back is turned half a dozen more men enter as well and quickly grab her and begin tearing off her clothes. Fool me once, indeed!

They wrestle Erika to the bed and she is (thankfully) a really bad actress unable to keep herself from smiling and laughing during the otherwise brutal simulated rape sequence. The laughter eventually subsides and she manages to get into the swing of things with lots of fake crying and screaming as a series of men violate her and ejaculate on various parts of her body. Other than Erika's unsuppressed giggling at the outset, this lengthy process is played completely seriously with angry yelling and sinister music as well as pretty rough handling. Who would have guessed a movie about a karate woman who busts balls also features her being gang raped? Not me, apparently.

At this point things start to get really weird.

Yayayayay!There is a brief interview with Erika and then she's in a wood-floored dojo type of room with torn up short shorts on. Bound to a bar behind her are a series of men in their underwear and t-shirts, many of them with pantyhose over their heads to conceal their identity. Erika picks one out of the line and starts slapping him in the face and punching his stomach until he actually bleeds from his mouth a little bit. Then Erika changes into a floral robe and limbers up for an assault on a man who appears to be no stranger to sadistic violence. His body is a fucking tapestry of scars and scabs but he seems quite pleased when Erika starts using his testicles as a boxer's speed bag. For nearly ten minutes she punches away at his scrotum like it's a piñata full of prizes.

When Erika is through with him she turns her attention on another depraved volunteer, administering kicks repeatedly to his testicles. This second guy hardly makes a sound as she kicks away at the family jewels but when Erika finishes up he quickly applies an ice pack. I wonder if being karate kicked in the testicles 75 times might cause some reproductive issues? Nah, he'll just be giving birth to blood clots for about a month.

Following the workout at the ball breaker dojo, Erika heads to a boxing ring where she and a shorter and homelier woman put on their karate uniforms and are yelled at by a fat guy. They do pushups and some other stuff and then the first match somewhat abruptly begins. The ring is surrounded by leering men watching as a series of guys climb into the ring seemingly intent on ripping off Erika's clothes. She grapples with them and manages to karate chop her way out of the grasp of two of the guys before a third finally pins her to the ground. She screams and flails as he tears her clothes off and when he finally succeeds dozens of men rush the ring in a horrifying onslaught.

The gang rape begins in earnest. It's pretty difficult to describe a gang rape, so instead I'll point out a few things I spotted.

• A guy with a back entirely covered with acne. HOT!
• The entire male population of Japan has probably starred in at least one bukkake scene by now.
• Each time one of the "bukkake runners" kneels down to get a load off on her face Erika starts flipping her head around and screaming like semen is made out of high-molar acid.
• Two guys hold Erika's legs in a VERY uncomfortable looking position while a third guy rails her.
• She has a pretty large abrasion on her back near her right armpit from the earlier wrestling. I hope they put some bactine on that!

This rape scene is a lot more frenzied and scary than the one earlier in the movie and some of the leg-bending had me wincing in sympathy. Then I reminded myself that she punches guys in the sack for a living and I got over it.ROUND 1! FIGHT!Behind the scenes Erika is cleaned up and being dressed for her next surreal porno encounter. She is kitted out in a somewhat conservative housewife type attire while her toothy female friend is dressed up like a harlot. The two face off in the ring for what is sure to be an epic battle. They kick things off by taking turns slapping each other in the face. While the blows might not seems like much to a professional boxer the slow motion replays of a few of them prove that neither girl was pulling any punches.

The slapping is followed by a somewhat tedious grappling battle that focuses mostly on tearing off Erika's top as the two women roll around the middle of the ring. They are briefly broken up by the referee and then almost immediately return to their tumbling catfight. Suddenly, the harlot backs away, reeling slightly, and it is revealed that her nose is pouring blood. Somewhere in the fray Erika landed a decent blow that went unseen. A time out is called and the harlot mops up the blood.

Things are resolved quickly when she returns, with a bit more mysteriously decisive rolling around before the harlot is declared the winner. A bell sounds and even more men than in the previous scene storm the ring for a dizzying display of depravity. As the last man finishes spraying his unborn children across Erika's face the camera pans back to the winner smiling with uneasy triumph. The camera returns to the unmoving, sweaty, and literally battered form of Erika in the center of the ring for this epic journey's final shot. Fade to black…

Thanks Santa! Just what I always wanted in a porno!…but wait! I've got one more thing to mention! Following the brief credits sequence is a montage of various videos offered by Soft On Demand. Among the various bukkake and straight porn videos is a film that appears to be fun for the whole family, the sort of product that could only come from Japan; a cream pie throwing porno. In the brief clip shown in the montage a man forcefully hurls a series of cream pies at a naked and screaming woman. Oh Japan, an Ocean may separate us, but our hearts will always be as one.

The Horror: This movie was so filled with horror that I find it difficult to choose a definitive moment. Should it be the creepy scar-covered guy getting punched in the balls? The nerd POV sequence where a girl in a karate uniform uses a strap on to plumb his depths? The three brutal rape sequences? Oh wait, I know, how about the fact that a porno movie drew blood?! Yeah, I'm going to go with that. Unless you're filming "Red Wings 16: Aunt Flow Rides Again" there shouldn't even be stage blood in your porno movie, let alone real blood.

Bottom Line: During the course of the Ministry song "So What?" the gravel-voiced heroin junkie Al Jourgensen proclaims sadistically "I only kill to know I'm alive". To Jourgensen the act of murder is life-affirming. For a similar reason - one that's ultimately masochistic - I was glad to watch Fighting Like ATHENA. If murder is the worst thing you can do to another human being then watching Fighting Like ATHENA is the worst thing you can do to yourself. It makes your balls ache, it makes your stomach ache, and it makes your head ache. Now that it's over and I am seated here writing my review I know I'm alive.