This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion
When you brought Hairbank to our pageant, we did not expect him to leave such a lasting impression. As judges at the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant, we review hundreds of dogs each year, many of which are quite remarkable. Hairbank exceeds them all in ways we never imagined or believed possible. If we are fortunate, we will never see such a dog again.
I say all this knowing Hairbank has the power to destroy me and all I hold sacred. I say this knowing how profoundly he relishes every single moment of anguish he inflicts upon the good natured, and I know he is gratified sexually by his evil deeds. I believe Hairbank takes pride in his ways and nature, and thus will not fault me for speaking plainly about it.
I cannot put in words my hatred of Hairbank anymore than I can put in words my hatred of you, the horrible owner who deemed it appropriate to bring him to our annual Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. To even attempt as much would result in a letter so venomous and bereft of civility that its contents could scarcely be regarded as language at all.
I recognize in full that my organization is powerless against Hairbank, and that what Hairbank wants Hairbank gets. And so it is with great trepidation and a trembling hand that I share the following news: I have conferred with my fellow judges and we have decided that Hairbank is our "BEST DOG OF ALL TIME" award winner. It should be noted that this is a brand new honor, created specifically in hopes of appeasing Hairbank and sparing us from his wrath.
If he is not fully satisfied with this honor, we are also prepared to give him other honors, including "DOG OF THE YEAR," "PAWFECT PAL," and the highly coveted "BEST IN SHOW." As you are likely aware, these titles are generally reserved for dogs that exhibit outstanding characteristics of breed and behavior. We want Hairbank to be happy with us and not angry. We do not want him angry, not that we are in any way suggesting how Hairbank should feel. We would not presume to issue orders to Hairbank and if he wants to be angry with us we then we simply have to accept that fact and the horrible consequences sure to follow.
I should also note that the decision to award Hairbank was unanimous. Myself and my fellow judges, Elisabeth Beemarsh and Chester Knap, were all irreparably changed by our encounters with Hairbank. While I escaped without any physical harm, I have not had a peaceful night's sleep in over a week and I am haunted by nightmares wherein Hairbank peels off my skin with his teeth, claws out my eyes, and defecates in the exposed sockets.
Hairbank must be quite proud knowing Elisabeth Beemarsh, our beloved 67-year-old judge, suffered permanent nerve damage when she fell while fleeing from Hairbank in what became a frantic two-mile pursuit. She is extremely grateful that Hairbank was merely toying with her and had no intention of actually capturing her. However, the stress it put on her elderly frame has forever robbed her of the ability to walk. The posttraumatic stress disorder she incurred has further strained relations with her grandkids, who now fear her because of her frequent outbursts and extreme paranoia.
I suspect Hairbank is also proud of the hell he forced 58-year-old Chester Knap to endure. As Knap was getting ready to perform his customary judging duties, Hairbank appeared before him and began to gnaw on his own leg. Knap stood helplessly as your dog mutilated itself, then slowly consumed its own severed appendage. So horrified by the ghastly sight, Knap suffered a near-fatal heart attack, but not before losing control of his bowels in front of a horrified crowd of dog enthusiasts.
I am told by Knap's wife that he has taken to drinking and regularly threatens suicide. Furthermore, Knap, an avid breeder of Yorkshire Terriers, has reportedly had all of his dogs put down, and vows to shoot every dog he sees. Perhaps some part of Hairbank's demonic spirit now resides in poor Chester Knap?
We all felt Hairbank would be delighted to hear these details and we hope he feels satisfied with his work. Each of us on the judging panel were deeply scarred by Hairbank, and the fear and anxiety we feel will follow us to our graves -- a process which has been greatly expedited. Please inform him that there is nothing left for him to take from us, that we are spent shells, empty of hope and resigned to misery. We feel his work with us is complete.
However, should Hairbank elect to inflict more cruelty, I am prepared to work with him in any way he sees fit. I will bargain for my life and the lives of my loved ones, even if it means turning on my fellow judges. I know that may seem cowardly, but I cannot handle any further indignities. Please inform Hairbank that I will act as his instrument should he so desire.
As Machiavelli once noted, "it is better to be feared than loved." Hairbank has clearly dedicated himself to this maxim. You have nurtured a beast unlike any other, one whose cruelty and depravity shall echo in the annals of Kennel Fair Dog Pageant history. In time, I have no doubt that Hairbank's name will join an elite pantheon of names normally reserved for history's worst butchers.
With awe and respect for Hairbank's power and evil,
Bernard W. Beauregard
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Kirk Cameron destroys the internet with his rage and jacks it to boats, hallelujah!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.