We are the Xxathaxians, a mighty race of beings who have conquered half of the Milky Way Galaxy. We lay waste to pathetic alien civilizations in a matter of hours with our superior military technology! We are advanced beyond any being, sentient or not, that we have ever encountered! We are power-hungry and relentlessly driven to acquire natural resources to fuel our conquest. Now we turn our sights on this pristine, water-filled planet known as "Earth". We send a scouting team on an reconaissance mission to the surface. However, we soon run into a problem.
These beings are massive! These pink, oily things known as "humans" are much, much larger than any life form that we have ever encountered! A full -scale invasion would be suicide, since it appears that these beings would have no trouble swatting us out of the sky with only their arms! So we retreat, and plan for several months. Until we come up with a plan...
We have discovered that the humans rely on this communication system known as the "Internet". It appears that if we were to destroy the "Internet", we would disrupt a major communication system that is vital to human military planning. We have found a human who is employed under the "Microsoft" corporation that has high-security access to the "Internet".
While this human is sleeping, we sent in a covert operations unit to implant the sentience of one of our own beings into the brain of the human. By doing this, we are able to control this human's bodily functions, from his motor skills to his ability to communicate. Hopefully, we can use him as a vessel into a high-security "Internet" terminal, where we can upload a deadly computer virus onto the "Internet". Once unleashed, this virus will destroy the "Internet", sending the human civilization into complete chaos! We can only hope that our transplanted alien sentience, that we have dubbed "Scout", is able to operate the human correctly. He may need some guidance.
Scout to base. I've established visual contact. I hear an obnoxious beeping noise. What do I do?
purity control posted:
Consume the offending object!
With a tasty condiment sauce and light seasoning.
Object consumed. Noise has ceased. Reporting tingling sensation inside oral cavity. Awaiting further orders.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.