The classic phrase of retail outlets is "the customer is always right". However, as someone who gained street wisdom from posting online, I know the truth - that the customer is NOT actually always right. Warning up front: the following posts are real.
You might think the customer is right, but they're not! In fact, they're wrong!
Typical customer (hambeast): I want a million dollars for free and I looooove being a Christian.
Me (got kicked out of class a lot for being too smart so I got bored): Actually, the Bible has a lot of inconsistencies, and we sell consumer electronics.
Typical customer (smelly): I want an Android phone then.
Me: *murders her with a katana, but not really, it's in my mind*
Customer: Excuse me, which aisle are the cheez- its down?
Me: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *this goes on for 5 minutes straight*
Customer: what was that?
Me: aisle 6.
Customer: oh yes, thank you.
Cashier: You want bags for this? Their 10c each in California now.
Customer: No thanks
Cashier: Really, you have like... 16 cans of soup here. Can you really carry all that?
Customer: doesnt your store still offer me 'help to my car'?
Cashier: how are you going to get those cans out of your car though smart guy? One at a time like a chump?
Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no shit sherlock, what do you think we do here?
Me: This won't scan.
Idiot customer: Oh. The shelf tag said it was $2.99. I even compared the UPC from the item to the tag, just to make sure it was the correct one.
Oh wow you think you're SO funny telling that tired old joke? Fucking MORONS!
me: *chasing after customer* hey! HEY! just wait until i post about that you bastard! you bastard! *falling to my knees and crying* you motherfucker...
cashier: Sorry sir but the ice cream machine is broken.
me: *using Jedi mind tricks* the ice cream machine IS broken
cashier: actually sir the ice cream machine works fine
me: great! could I please get a double scoop ch-
cashier: the ice cream machine is broken, sir
Customer: My laptop is broken because of viruses.
Me: Is it because of porn?
Me: C-cool, I, uh, I have sex as well.
customer: Could I return these shoes I bought yesterday? They're a bit too narrow.
: Sure, I just need to see your receipt.
customer: Here you go.
*quickly stuffs receipt into my mouth before chewing and swallowing*
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.