Kango Shicyauzo 2

At a Glance:Just under two years ago I reviewed Kango Shicyauzo, a surprisingly non-offensive romp that still managed to include semi-incest and sex with nuns. The hotly anticipated sequel Kango Shicyauzo 2, mysteriously subtitled "Is the Sorority House Burning?", includes slightly less incest but ten times as much sacrilegious sex. The slightest affront to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ makes me apoplectic with rage and this game had me primed to don my cassock and go on a shooting spree through upstate Japan. Brides of Christ, indeed! Language: Japanese audio, English text, and the sound effect "CHUPPA" repeated fifty times. Sexual Content: Beams of light emerging from nun's vaginas. Available From: J-List!

Playing is for pleasure.Game Concept: The first Kango Shicyauzo impressed my being exceedingly perverted yet not particularly offensive. It included exciting things like lactation, incest, and of course a nun having anal sex with your semi-relative using a strap on dildo. But it also did not include rape, did not include blood-spraying pierced hymens, and definitely lacked the sinister themes of some of the hentai games I had been reviewing around the same time. In that game you played a doctor who took on the job of teaching at a nursing school. Kango Shicyauzo picks up where the last one left off in theme only. In this sequel you play Eiji, a Catholic priest who has been thrown out of his church in Italy for having sex with almost 100 women including a mafia don's daughter and has returned to Japan to find himself.

In the case of Eiji, finding yourself means becoming a teacher at a Catholic nursing school and having sex with pretty much anything that moves. Catholic priests should pay attention; bedding nuns, nurses, and nun/nurses in training is a great way to get back in touch with your faith.

Klanger Schickrazor begins with Eiji returning home to Japan, explicitly to visit the grave of his dearly departed grandmother and the neighbor lady who he considered almost a mother figure. He bemoans his departure from Italy but seems pleased to be back in the land of the rising sun. When he visits Maria, the kindly blue haired Mother Eiji Would Like to Fuck, he is once again smitten by her feminine charms which include looking freakish, eating cookies until she almost dies (seriously), and insulting his decision to become a priest. With smooth moves like these it's no wonder that Eiji quickly finds himself opening up to Maria about his troubled history with the church. It turns out that Maria is a rather unconventional nun at a local Catholic-themed nursing school and she needs a priest to say religious things and molest the women at the all-girls school.

Eiji quickly enlists and begins his player-guided pathway of debauchery through the classrooms at the nursing school. There are three points at which you can determine the woman Eiji hopes to woo by selecting from one of the five women. To get the "good" ending for the woman you have to select her all three times and be slightly careful about what you say to her during conservation choices. It's all relatively easy and uninteresting. The more you woo a particular woman the more sex Eiji has with her. According to hint guides you can also get a "harem ending" if you play through the game and beat it for all five women. I only had the patience to beat it twice, due in no small part to the stunningly slow and tedious ending credits.

The game mechanics are extremely simplistic so let's focus in on the wonderful ladies Eiji can woo.

MariaI think she's about to cast a spell!Relationship to Eiji: "Almost like a mother"

Description: Eiji's relationship with Maria is probably the most complex in the game. He considers her to be a mother figure, they seem to have had sex at some point in the past, he's obviously still attracted to her, he compares her to Cookie Monster from "Sesame Street", and he ogles her giant breasts. In my two stabs at this game I never had Eiji pursue a relationship with Maria, but I'm sure it could only end in tears. My tears.

Pros:

Loves to make delicious cookies
Not afraid to say what she thinks
Enormous breasts
Wears a uniform

Cons:

Loves to devour her delicious cookies Usually thinking something mean about Eiji
Based on the last game in this series, her enormous breasts probably contain milk
Wears a nun's uniform

AkiraTETSUOOOOOOO!!Relationship to Eiji: Daughter of Maria that Eiji grew up treating like "[his] younger brother"

Description: By Japanese definitions Akira probably qualifies as the tomboy of the pack. She's outgoing, aggressive, slightly mean, and probably the most likely of the characters (competition from Eleana) to cause comical physical harm to Eiji. The fact that Eiji is used to treating her as a little brother made the idea of sex between the two a little bit unpleasant.

Pros:

Enormous breasts

Cons:

Concerns that she might transform into a giant mutating fleshy creature that will envelope Eiji and crush him into bloody paste
Too much lame physical comedy makes Jack a dull boy
Enormous breasts apparently not difficult for teenage girls to come by

YunaTo quote Golgo-13: "..."Relationship to Eiji: A student teacher at the nursing school

Description: The painfully shy Yuna provides the meat for those looking for fantasies about painfully shy people. She can hardly make eye contact with Eiji and their conversations frequently result in her blushing heavily and then fleeing as if Eiji were a ghost. Eiji might be a ghost. Also, I'm not exactly sure how someone who can barely speak a complete sentence gets a job as a student teacher.

Pros:

Great poster girl for blushing fetishists
Enormous breasts
Only speaks when spoken to and even then rarely speaks

Cons:

Probably a serial killer
Enormous breasts so common at school that someone should probably investigate the building for breast tumor causing carcinogens
Date conversation topics include "stare awkwardly away from each other" and "stir food while sighing quietly"

HibariHibari's bows rule out a lot of dating options unless you're comfortable with beating ten different complainers to death at the movies.Relationship to Eiji: A student and good friend of Akira

Description: Hibari is the crazy-haired, ditzy, wild girl of the harem. She has bows in her hair large enough to distract airplane pilots and is prone to asking Eiji a variety of stupid and/or exceedingly personal questions. She would probably do just great on MTV's "Battle of the Sexes" where she could climb a rope or eat bugs or something.

Pros:

Always available to talk
Enormous breasts
Bows in hair may frighten away predatory animals

Cons:

Will talk endlessly about things you don't want to hear
Seriously, what is going on with all of these giant tits? I went to high school. I went to college. Where were all the giant tits then?
Bows in hair may block cell phone reception

EleanaUnlike vampires, sex-maniacs remain undeterred by the sign of the cross.Relationship to Eiji: The younger sister of the mafia don's daughter that got Eiji kicked out of his church and Italy. She's a visiting junior nun at the school or something like that.

Description: She is the most sexually aggressive of all of the characters. Where Hibari is constantly flirtatious with Eiiji the blond gaijin Eleana seems dead-set on vacuuming out his testicles with an industrial pool cleaner. She narrowly beats out Akira in the "physical comedy" category by tackling and dry-humping Eiji in almost ever scene in the game.

Pros:

Italian women, like Russian women, are usually extremely attractive when young
Seems very willing to please
Wears a uniform
Enormous breasts

Cons:

Italian women, like Russian women, get suddenly and extremely ugly at a certain age
May be a little too willing to please or may want to please in scary ways
Giant crucifix incorporated into uniform may be a turn-off when giving enemas
Do they just hand out a giant rack when a woman arrives or is born in Japan?

This is not proper attire for the dorm.At my direction Eleana and Yuna became the target of Eiji's affections during the course of my two play-throughs of the game. Eleana turned out to be a virgin, which resulted in a dismayingly bloody de-virginizing sequence followed by a spate of messy blowjobs. The most interesting of the sex scenes with Eleana was a hospital bed session during which she asks Eiji to shave her armpits. He complies and then they romp. I must be out of the foreplay loop because shaving a girl's armpits doesn't really strike me as particularly erotic.

Yuna's scenes were fairly uninteresting save fore one small detail; the ecto-containment vagina seen in Kangaroo Chicklets makes its triumphant return with her. During every sex scene huge columns and cones of light emanate from her gaping orifices. A cheap energy solution to our fossil fuel dependence? A girl can dream. Yuna also does a little bit of peeing, but at this point it pretty much comes with the hentai territory and it's not particularly gross in this instance.

Difficulty: Very easy. The conversations are pretty simple to navigate and there is usually a pretty obvious "correct" choice for whichever woman you have Eiji set to woo. The only thing that kept me from playing through this game more was the TEN FUCKING MINUTES it takes to get through the credits the first time. You, thankfully, do not have to watch them when you beat the game after that, but once truly is bad enough. You can't even tab out of the game and do something else while the goddamn credits play because it will pause them (as I learned) while you're off reading about the history of submarines.

Defining Moment: Yuna's columns of light probably define the Kawaii Choochoo series as a whole. For this particular title I'm going to have to point to the armpit shaving sequence, mostly because it made me wonder if there is a series of popular porn videos in Japan catering to armpit shaving. I'm going to err on the side of experience and say "yes", there is a vast library of armpit shaving videos available in Japan.

Final Thoughts: Why the fuck is the subtitle to this game "Is the Sorority House Burning?" The last game was subtitled "I'm Gonna Nurse You", which made sense because of the whole nurse theme. However, in Koala Chic-Fil-A there is never even discussion of a sorority house. I could have missed a passing reference to one, but I can say with certainty that a sorority house plays no role in the game's simplistic plot. I suppose it's a mystery for the ages. Maybe when science progresses far enough it can provide me with the answers I so desperately seek.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

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– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)