Considering that last week we focused upon the worst McDonalds customers, and this week we've set our sights on Wal-Mart shoppers, you might be under the impression that I am some kind of anti-capitalist hippy. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I am sexually aroused by both globalization and war, and I cannot start the day without drinking a glass of gasoline. If the sound of my morning habit turns your stomach, then this week's Comedy Goldmine may not be a pleasant experience.
I don't like to stereotype, but every American store is filled with revolting, overweight human trash looking to score a bargain by saving a dollar on processed cheese snacks. Lately, our ever-vigilant forum goons have been on the lookout for people who behave in such a manner that the only way they could obtain an iota of dignity is if they found it as a prize in their Pop Tarts box. Here's a look at the people you don't want to run into when you're picking up groceries, with helpful illustrations for the illiterate.
There's a special vibe to a Wal-Mart, which is made even more special when the Wal-Mart is located in urban Northeast Ohio. I showed up tonight wondering when they would restock on Wii's and saw something that's going to stick with me for a while. There's a huge fat woman with a good three chins walking around the electronics section and blocking off most of the videogame aisle. She's wearing a Tazmanian Devil sweatshirt and pyjama pants. I was waiting for her to waddle the fuck out of the aisle, but she kept stopping every so often to take a swig out of what looks like a milk carton. It's a thin carton which makes me wonder if it's- "No it can't be that. But I'll try and see if I can get a closer look at it". Never underestimate the power of Wal-Mart. For it was, in fact, a carton of half and half she was chugging from.
A toddler wearing only a diaper with poop seeping down his leg. While parents were paying for $30 of groceries with singles and change.
I worked the return desk for a few years at our local ghetto Wal-Mart.
I once had an old lady return panties. That she had worn. Because they fell apart. The look on my face must of been priceless. She was a solid 70+ years old and I just about spontaneously combusted when she plopped 'em on the counter. I just gave her the money back and used another bag to move them.
A homeless lady came in and started eating sugar packets and spilling sugar all over the carpet. Then she pissed herself and urine got all over the carpet.
I was walking into walmart with my brother one day as well and saw this really fat man with one tooth and a wife beater on. He was going up and down the candy aisle in a motor cart.
I forget the store I was at, but it was Wal-Mart-esque. Anyway, there were two otherwise unremarkable middle-aged women chatting in the underwear section. As I was walking through the store, I passed them at the exact moment they near-simultaneously opened the packages of underwear they were carrying, took off their own pants and underwear and tried them on. Right there.
The midwest has a chainstore by the name of Meijer, which for those elsewhere is the exact same as a Wal-Mart supercenter. I worked for 3 years at Meijer as a store detective, plain clothes loss prevention that is to say.
I received a call about some kid, about 15, acting suspicious running back and forth between the shoe and toy departments. So I start doing my covert surveillance thing on him from the floor and watch him for awhile. After a few laps of this shit he grabs a large plush lion from the stuffed animal aisle and takes it to the gap in the aisles of shoes where there are benches for people to sit and try on shoes. He climbs into the bench, out of view of either aisle, undoes his pants, starts humping the plush lion.
I then approached him (one of the most awkward moments of my time there) and asked him if he was with his parents and stated that they need to come meet us right now. Turns out he was a little "special" and had gotten away from his parents/guardians. I paged them and when he saw them coming up he ran away from me stopped at them for a second, and then ran out the door. They followed him and didn't come speak to me, saving me from another awkward conversation. We threw the lion in the trash compactor and all had a laugh about this the next few days.
One more along these lines (exact same lines actually.)
I was watching this kid, again maybe 15-16 acting all fishy back in electronics, walking up and down each aisle 100 times. Well, our magazine section was right next to electronics and I suppose he was making sure no one was watching what he was about to do. After maybe half a mile of walking through electronics, he makes a beeline to the magazine rack and grabs about 10 magazines ridiculously fast and heads out.
I figured he was going to pull a bag or something out of his pocket, throw them in the bag, and just walk out. Well, he kinda pulled something out of his pocket.
He takes the whole stack to the aisle where we stocked the really big boxes in toy (toys again...) the big wheels, play houses and such. Sets them down on a shelf and starts looking through them. Hand goes in his pocket. Hand looks like its coming halfway out of his pocket, then back in. Repeat. It took me about 15 seconds to realize what he was doing. This was actually only about 2 weeks after the previous lion story had occurred and was in no mood to deal with this shit again.
I bolted around the corner I was watching him from, about 10-12' from where he was, pulled out my ID and said, "You need to leave. RIGHT NOW." This kid didn't have the fortune of being all downs'd up it seems and got crazy pale. He said nothing but 'yeah' and turned to head out. I followed him out the doors as I would've normally done. Afterwards I come back to where he was J'ing it and looked at the magazines. All pregnancy magazines. Every single one.
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.