Polygonal Special Triple Feature

At a Glance:Three times the hentai game, three times the pleasure, right? You must be new to this. In this exciting triple feature of hentai game reviews I bring you not one but three (thus triple) hentai games of the polygonal persuasion. There is nary a plot or dialogue menu in sight, just hardcore sex, moaning zombies, immense spine-deforming breasts and dead stares. Language: Ultra-repetitious English (3D Sex Villa), chirpy Japanese (Artificial Girl 2) and the groans of restless souls (Hook Up 3D) Sexual Content: All three involve an equal quantity of pounding and squirting completely uncensored (in the case of AG2 after a patch).

Getting three hentai reviews for the price of one is sort of like opening a Snickers bar and finding the bar broken into three pieces and the nougat replaced with a suspiciously live-spider-like filling. Regardless of a desperate shortage of antivenin I'll be whipping my fangs in your general direction thrice today. Let's kick things off with "3D Sex Villa", absolutely nobody's highly anticipated sequel to the empirically horrifying "3D Slut."

Keep it together, soldier!3D Sex Villa

I was under the mistaken belief that a villa necessarily consisted of more than three rooms, but 3D Sex Villa has finally dispelled all that with a villa that consists of a living room, a bedroom and a photo studio that looks suspiciously like a bedroom with klieg lights. You can choose any one of these three fabulous locations to engage in the Lord's mischief with either two girls, a girl with a guy or just a girl by her lonesome. The lineup is decidedly anemic compared to the robust offering of 3D Slut and includes an Asian girl, a blonde girl, a brunette and a black girl who can be paired up with a black guy or a white guy. These characters are more detailed than their predecessors but in a curious move the designers have removed the ability to customize them in any way.

3D Slut suffered from a pretty dire case of severe lighting that made the models look as if exhumed corpses had been dipped in grease and then animated through black magics. 3D Sex Villa is more naturally lit, but the models suffer from a similar case of lolling eyes and oddly skeletal grins. More distressingly they almost always stare at you. Trying to masturbate while playing this game would be like being alone at night, seeing an unfamiliar ghoulish face appear in one of your windows and then immediately laying down on the couch for a nap. Try all you want you are not going to be able to relax.

The action is about as diverse as you could expect from a game like this. There are a variety of toys (none of them particularly comical) and you can even have two female characters engage in tribadism or clam wrestling if that's your sort of thing. Normally I would complain about the unwieldy camera controls but compared to both of the other games 3D Sex Villa has both an excellent range of movement and an ease of use.

Goddamn barn swallows!As mentioned you can no longer customize the physical appearance of a character, but you can dress them up the women in a very anemic selection of costumes. There are a few bikinis, a cursory attempt at "sexy lingerie" and a camouflage bikini that comes with a comically oversized army helmet. There is also a "Kill Bill" style yellow motorcycle suit which seems really out of place since none of the characters look even remotely like Uma Thurman.

Probably the best feature in this game is the cumshot button expanded from 3D Slut. In the original you had to work the male character into a frenzy before you could deploy a payload. In 3D Sex Villa you can fire cylinders as often as you like, allowing the user some creativity in painting the female characters with oozing white sprites. Just click the cumshot button, aim the penis that appears on the screen like a gun and fire off a series of oozing white sprites at your victim. Repeat until they look like they're trapped in a grain silo with thousands of pigeons.

Final Thoughts: As a sex simulator this game is probably a modest improvement over its predecessor. The graphics are better, the animation is substantially better and the creepiness factor has been toned way down. Unfortunately, that same creepiness factor is what gave the original its charm. Combined with the customization options you could create scenes in 3D Slut that would send Clive Barker running for his boyfriend. They also got rid of the mysterious ejaculating strap-on dildo that the lesbians would wear. Another blow to the crumbling surrealist movement.

Artificial Girl 2

Welcome to sex island.If 3D Sex Villa suffers from a lack of customization then Artificial Girl 2 suffers from an overabundance of it. The game begins with a character creation process for your virtual liaison that would make any MMORPG developer blush. You begin by selecting the shape, location and color of your female friend's eyes: a process that still does not allow you to create normal human-sized eyes. From there you design her hair style (front, back and sideburns) and hair color, eyebrow size, breast size (from 8 year old's breasts to as large as an 8 year old), skin tone, nipple shape, makeup and of course blood type. Then you can name her.

Once you do all this you and the girl are whisked away to a deserted tropical island with a curious number of structures. You can run around the island and explore locations like a skeleton-filled castle, an abandoned school, a bath house, a train station and a weird futuristic lab. You can either do this by yourself or you can press the "f" key to call the girl to your side and lead her around until she gets bored at which point she'll run off to do something like sit in the grass ignoring you. If you press the "d" key when you're next to the girl you will hug her. Press it again and you'll release her from your predator's grip, but let the hug linger and you'll be transported to a realm of pleasure.

Give us a hug then, luv.If you hugged her from behind she will assume either a doggy style position or if nearby scenery allows she'll be leaning against that. A frontal hug produces missionary style, although this can also involve scenery. For example, if you want to screw her on the altar in the castle you herd her up to it and then hug her. The sex is very similar to the sex in Sexy Beach 2, with various zones you can click and hold the button down to stimulate her. Without the creepy disembodied mouth and hand effects of that title the flesh you are manipulating bends and twists as if compelled by evil spirits. The girl writhes and blushes and the opacity increases on a "wetness" sprite covering her thighs.

If you prefer you can cut right past the foreplay and begin hammering away at her with your alter ego. Clipping issues frequently provide for unintentional humor as the phallus plunges again and again into her taint or through her belly. Clipping issues are even more distracting if she has enormous breasts as her arms will constantly clip dead-center through them. You can pound away at her until she starts clenching and wailing or you can wait until the mushroom icon (seriously) starts flashing and then pull out and ejaculate on her, leaving behind a positively immense white sprite. The camera controls in these scenes are horrible and you frequently end up rotating around some undesirable axis that leaves the world upside and down.

Baby, come back! There will be all the time in the world for baths later!After intercourse the female always obsessively bathes, a tiresome process that involves her running as fast as she can to either the bath house or the shower to scrub away the filth. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take almost five minutes to get to either and complete the series of animations of stripping, bathing and re-dressing.

Within the game there is some additional opportunity to play dress-up with the girl, including a wide variety of fan-made costumes. There is absolutely no one else to talk to on the island, it's just an endless cycle of sex and bathing.

Final Thoughts: It's amazing that a game with this many customization options can't allow you to create a real-looking woman, but it can't. At least they just end up looking like some random anime character rather than a greased cadaver. The amount of time spent bathing is horrible unless you're Marc Summers and if you're Marc Summers you're probably too busy ironing your Double Dare shirts until they cease to exist as three dimensional objects.

Hook Up 3D

Welcome to hell island.This is a first for the hentai reviews: I was actually asked by the creator of this game to review it. Well, his mistake.

The game allows you to choose from three men and three women to pair up and head to one of three nearly-identical bedrooms. Lesbianism is not an option. Once in the bedroom you begin with the two characters sitting naked side-by-side on a bed and sort of looking in the general direction of each other. A series of mysterious buttons along the bottom left allows them to do various things like "hangin" or "lol :-D" which translates to awkward movements and wooden laughter.

A menu allows you to choose from various different positions like oral sex and normal sex as well as an extremely creepy kissing sequence. The kissing sequence involves robotic lip locks that produce the convincing sound of a dog licking its chops after eating a bowl of raw beef. The sex scenes have even worse audio that consists of a cacophony of unsynchronized moans and groans that would seem more at home in a "Silent Hill" game. These sounds would not be believable to anyone who has had sex with anything other than a cartoon ghost.

The ejaculation in Hook Up 3D pretty much encapsulates how wildly out of touch the game is with real sexual intercourse. The man withdraws his penis, groans horrifically and sprays out a stream of cotton swabs that cling to the woman like a cloud.

Kiss me, Dracula.The unique selling point of the title is that you can play it online with a friend using some bizarre IM client that comes with the game. The guy told me to meet him in the multiplayer lobby and we could play it together, but that seemed sort of creepy, so he set my fiancé up with an account so we could try it together and somehow that seemed even creepier. All of my hemming and hawing was for naught. When I finally resolved to just get it over with it turned out to be so wildly complicated that I gave up trying to get it to work. He told me that it will "support Trillian soon" so Trillian users, you can look forward to conducting all of your IM conversations in the form of interpretive sex games in the near future.

Final Thoughts: This is easily the worst of the bunch. I don't think the game was fully ready to be played, but that's no excuse because the guy asked me to review it. I didn't even get into how horrific the camera controls were. You couldn't even rotate in a full circle around the characters for no apparent reason and moving up or down was usually similarly forbidden. The multiplayer functionality - assuming it ever becomes functional - is so stunningly ill-conceived and non-erotic that I wonder why he didn't just create a Tetrinet knockoff and claim it was a sex simulator.

I would have to say that Artificial Girl 2 is narrowly superior (or less inferior) to 3D Sex Villa, so the scores will reflect AG2. Despite that I would like to offer a "most improved" award to 3D Sex Villa. Although the game is still far from convincing as pornography it is a marked improvement in many ways over its predecessor. Perhaps in 10 to 20 years technology will have developed a means of generating an erection without the assistance of dripping wet teens or the proverbial black dick in a white chick.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

Do you have a Hentai / Anime question? Feel free to head on over and post it in the SA Anime Forums!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)