At a Glance:Downtown Chaku Ero is an exhibitionist train wreck and pretty much the dividing line of where I cease to view an "adult movie" as pornographic. It has all of the parts of pornography, from huge breasts to drooling semen, but they've been all mashed up in an unrecognizable way. It's like putting a delicious Christmas goose into the blender and ending up with something that looks like it should be in a medical waste bag next to a cadaver. Like the frapped goose, the frapped pornography is sure to revolt and horrify anyone who looks at it for more than a few minutes. Thankfully, Japan still has not perfected a means to capture the smell of decaying meth-teeth.

Nation of Origin: The foreboding land of the mystic East.

Language: Do you know what it sounds like when a dove dies? Like this movie.

Sexual Content: Heavily censored, but the forty foot wide mosaic of Tupac eating a bowl of spaghetti in Puffy's bathroom couldn't hide the horrors of this movie.

Available From: Who else but J-List would bring such delights from faraway lands to our barbarian shores?


I like my women's teeth how I like my tables: rich woodgrain with a deep mahogany finish."Downtown Chaku Ero" is the definitive answer to "What are you doing?" For those of you fools unschooled in the fine art of Japanese talky-making the phrase means "Downtown, being gross." That's certainly the only possible definition that could apply to this movie, as a video crew follows a rot-toothed Asian harlot around Tokyo and thinks up new and grotesque ways for her to humiliate herself.

The movie begins with the camera crew approaching the aforementioned garbage mouth on the streets of Tokyo. I'm sure the movie has some Bang Brothers-like conceit wherein she's some hapless woman they just ran into and they trick her into running their obstacle course of depravity. Just like everything from Bang Brothers it's as fake as Holly Body's jaw, but here the poor acting conceals the lie behind the language barrier.

Once the camera crew has the street trash hooked with their promise of riches, drugs or assorted Kubricks based on characters from Mr. Belvedere, they take her back to their van. Inside the van of shame they ogle her bare breasts and then paint them with some sort of horrible version of latex body paint. Then she puts on an opened floral-print shirt over her cracking latex tube top so that it looks like she's going to a luau at a psoriasis-sufferers convention. Not content to simply horrify, the camera crew then inserts what appears to be a caulk gun full of milk into her anus. They force the contents of that contraption into her lower digestive tract and send her out on the street.

These are the salad days.She prances around for a bit pretending to be coy about showing off her bright-yellow sloughing breasts. Then she poops out the milk and runs away laughing. Lady, I'm not fucking laughing here. This is supposed to be porno? It's like an episode of Jackass gone horribly wrong. By the time she made it back to the van I was fucking sermonizing to my cats about the need for Steve-O's ass and some bottle rockets, and that's coming from a guy who once bribed an Iranian imam to declare a fatwa on Johnny Knoxville.

Following this debacle there is a routine sex scene between some hairy ruffian and our beloved milk-shitter inside the van. The twist to this scene is that she has her head stuck through curtains on the window of the van and she moans and squeals in the general direction of people passing by on the sidewalk.

If this were a major American city, like say Gary, Indiana, the van would be surrounded by homeless drug addicts masturbating feverishly. Actually, if you drive a church bus full of preschoolers around Gary you'll be swarmed by homeless guys jacking off all over your windows at pretty much every red light. In Japan the crazy derelicts with a penchant for self pleasure have been replaced with a strict code called "go shi wen" which translates roughly to "This isn't happening!"

When Japanese people see something unusual transpiring they tend to walk quickly past muttering "Go shi wen! Go shi wen!" to themselves until whatever it is passes from view. The two exceptions to this are when they see a celebrity from America like Clint Howard, in which case they will shriek with delight and take hundreds of pictures with their camera phones, and when a woman falls over and they can see her panties, in which case they immediately get a nose bleed. Throughout this video "go shi wen" is in full effect.

*QUACK!* *HONK!* *RAAARRRR!* *BOOIOIOINNGGG!*After the man spreads some Holiday cheer across the woman's back the girl heads out to pound some more pavement. If you're keeping track, walking around and laughing nervously constitutes about 2/3rds of this movie's running time. It's also worth mentioning that Tokyo is one of the scariest-sounding cities in the world. It's like a traffic jam at a pinball arcade wedged inside a dinosaur's asshole. There are T-rex roars, beeps, honks, mechanical toots and a sound that I can only assume is robot ducks quacking madly. It is the background noise of a dystopian future where the world is ruled by giant autistic children and their mechanical minions.

Once the scene has been sufficiently padded with bipedal locomotion and crazed audio, our heroine ducks behind a sign at a bus stop and reveals that she has a vibrator tucked into her panties. She plays around with this for a while acting like a masturbating Gary resident, then she actually masturbates with the device while people walk by in the background.

Once the camera crew decides the charm has worn off this activity they flag down some "totally random" pedestrian to receive oral sex from her. This is the usual Japanese AV style blowjob scene where the woman appears to grow a mustache out of a mosaic over her mouth and then there is a grunt and she spits a whole bunch into her hand. It's fantastically erotic.

Seemingly minutes later the same horse-faced woman is led to a parking lot where the previously-seen vibrator has been combined with a wheelchair using some sort of dark alchemy or adhesive. She plops her canal down over that thing and goes for a spin in the wheelchair as the camera craw mercilessly adjusts the oscillation of the device wedged in her baby area. More notable than any sort of electronic stimulation is the unimpeded view of the woman's brutalized knees. It looks like someone has been beating her legs with a baseball bat covered in sandpaper which, coincidentally, can be seen in "Aggressive Lady Baseuball GO!" also available from J-List.

The Sardaukar attack!Probably my favorite scene - and not just because it's the last - is the inept "light up dress" sequence filmed in night time Tokyo. The same woman has equipped some sort of skirt with a reflective silver panel in the front. The cameraman has a remote control that can activate lights within the dress that turn the panel from reflective to slightly translucent. You can see the lights through the panel, anyway. Naturally she has to walk all over the cursed city having the lights turned on and off and shrieking with shame. The most telling part of this scene is when the camera moves in to show you just how transparent the panel on the front of her dress is and... you can't see shit. She could wear that sort of thing to church.

If you desperately need to cure a case of priapism there's also a bonus scene on the DVD where toothy has some more sex. It's probably the best part of the movie because she doesn't walk anywhere or poop.

The Horror: Hey, let's shit milk in public! That will be so fucking HOT! I don't really like it when I take a crap, so why would I want to watch someone do it in a porno? Maybe if I had specifically bought a porno called "Shitting in the Streets of Tokyo" I would be happy about it, but it's just inserted in the midst of all this other happy-go-lucky public humiliation. About the only mitigating factor is that at least she doesn't make some really loud farting noise when she lets loose. It just sort of falls out of her.

The Bottom Line: This is possibly the greatest movie ever made for the purposes of scaring your children away from pornography. If you ever catch your kid looking at a copy of Playboy then immediately sit them down to watch this. It ought to stunt their sexual development for a good four or five years. By the time it gets to the part with the wheelchair they'll be demanding that you block Google with NetNanny.

Acting:- 7
Story:- 8
Depravity:- 8
Originality:- 5
Erotic Value:- 9
Overall:- 37

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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