Og Gon' Give it to Ya
At State Og, we love to give surveys to our employees. It really helps us get a feel for what's going on in all levels of our organization, and the results of our last survey are quite amazing. As it turns out, eight out of ten employees wonder where the hell the other two went, and why there was so much screaming. Very intriguing! Thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (prefers parenthesis), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson [prefers brackets].
This product could very well be our most controversial yet. Designed with the singular purpose of killing small animals, we run the risk of sparking an avalanche of protests from the smelly sort of people that actually participate in protests. So what is this invention? We call it the Mouse Trap, and its sinister bloodthirst knows no bounds. After placing a morsel of cheese on the device, simply walk away. Foul suspender-wearing rodents will not be able to resist the temptation, and will soon have their neck crushed by the ingeniusly simply spring loaded trap, killing them instantly(or at least spraining their neck and keeping them from doing strenuous housework).
For some reason we're having difficulties obtaining a patent for the Mouse Trap, perhaps because the invention's unrelenting ferocity has proven to be Earth-shattering to the delicate sensibilities of the patent office. We expect this to be resolved soon, and for neck-crushing mayhem to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public this year.
Saying No To Zombies
State Og has found a cause it can fully stand behind and exploit in order to improve our public image. After the issue was brought to our attention by a good friend of the company with the slogan "Just say NO to zombies eating your brains", we decided to dedicate all of this upcoming week to stopping zombies from eating our nation's spongey and succulent brains.
Pamphlets and posters will be spread nationwide urging people not to allow zombies to eat their brains, no matter how politely they may ask or how hungry they look. The material also points out that you should wear conservative clothes, since it's widely known that women who wear slutty short skirts are just asking to be attacked by the undead.
Robot for President! (not Al Gore)
It’s now time for Americans to look ahead to the future 2004 Presidential elections. Since no other organization values democracy greater than State Og, we’ve spared no expense and secretly diverted the funds of several large government-funded medical research programs to the task of finding the perfect Presidential candidate. I, Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson, as State Og Special Agent in charge of the vaunted Department of Miscellaneous Stuff That None of the Other Agents Want to Do, took it as my personal responsibility to search out and find the ideal Executive-level candidate. I took this responsibility so seriously that I forsook my conventional American diet of alternating daily between McDonalds and Burger King in order to take up a much more healthy diet strictly consisting of only rice, what the Japanese charmingly call in their backwards language “sake”.
Though I'm just now wrapping things up, I've been researching this issue for a long time. Starting my search four years exactly before the Presidential election, I dedicated myself solely to the completion of my mission. Every day after a hearty breakfast of six or seven bottles of rice, I would valiantly continue my quest for the perfect president. Today, I’ve completed the task I set out to do. Unfortunately, I was trying to find the perfect candidate for the 2000 Presidential race, but I choose to ignore my failings, and will take whatever steps necessary to cover them up. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to announce to you that State Og has a candidate to endorse for the 2004 presidential race.Maximilian responds to a reporter's question.I encountered this natural leader one fateful day after the usual blackout between brunch and lunch. Somehow, I woke up on a spaceship, the USS Cygnus, orbiting a black hole. It was there I met the second in command. He was a large hovering robot with multiple arms--his favorite set of appendages featured spinning blades capable of boring a 10-inch hole in a block of solid titanium. He is red, or perhaps his metal skin was simply encrusted with the many layers of blood from those who annoyed him in some minor way. His name is Maximilian, and a finer candidate for the office of President I’ve never met. He has arrived on earth, and is now ready to start his campaign.
Unlike your conventional politician, Maximilian is a true leader not afraid to include in his speeches words and terms like reform, progress, prosperity, sucking chest wound, and Cajun cooking--often in the same sentence. However, it may be misleading of me if I’ve given you the impression that Maximilian is capable of actually delivering speeches in the conventional sense. Unfortunately, he can’t talk. Long ago the Ad Lib sound card endowing him the power of speech was replaced with the experimental Intel 80388 Wickedness Co-Processor. Now Maximilian can only directly express himself to people by one of two ways. Using a serial cable, a human with a PC can connect to Maximilian’s secret RS-232 port; the process is similar to how you communicate with someone through IRC, or through any of a number of real-time chat programs. Also, Maximilian can communicate by carving messages into the backs of homeless people with his arms' mighty spinning blades.
As mentioned earlier, I planned on having this article ready before the 2000 elections. The main reason for this report not being ready is due the sum of the following excuses: One, I couldn’t find my serial cable. Two, after I bought a new serial cable, Maximilian wouldn’t tell me where his secret RS-232 port was hidden. Three, due to their width, Maximilian’s weed-whacker-like appendages can only carve one legible character per homeless person’s back (maybe two if they’re really fat). Four, let’s face it: Maximilian is a bit long-winded and tends to go of on tangents.
Unfortunately, a great deal of time was also expended because Maximilian prefers to stalk his prey/stationery in a manner maximizing perceived terror, as opposed to efficient murder. Sometimes it would take several days for him to track down the perfect victim, just so he could engrave a single letter, number, or punctuation mark into them. It is, however, because of this type of quality-over-quantity type of approach that I have placed my faith in the leadership ability of this robot. As a matter of fact, when the local homeless population was depleted at one point during our interview, Maximilian -instead of taking the quick easy route by seeking indigents in a neighboring town- put into motion an elaborate scheme that took over a year to unfold, but shattered the local economy, forcing many out on to the street. The way Maximilian rekindled the homeless population was like watching a master ecologist preserving an endangered species.
At this point you probably want to know where Maximilian stands on the issues important to you. Well get off your high horse, you bastard hole. You’re going to hear about the issues important to him!
Human Rights: Maximilian sees all human beings as equal, but realizes there are many people out there trying to prove him wrong by constantly doing incredibly stupid things. Unbelievably, there are even others who continually insist on abstaining from stupid behavior by working hard or trying to be selflessly noble. To prove the cynical bastards out there wrong, Maximilian will enforce a policy of mandatory equality. His policy will start by providing everyone a dark hooded robe. This small first step will ensure that people with unattractive bodies and features will not have to be ashamed of themselves. After being fitted for a robe, you will then be given a free medical examination. When done, you’ll receive a lollipop (five flavors to choose from!). Anyone found to have anything Maximilian’s futuristic science deems detrimental to good health, like a cancerous tumor or a frontal lobe, will receive immediate surgical care to remove the offending mass. Not one, but six lasers will be used. These intense beams of light will reduce you to a soulless automaton, faster than any ice pick through the orbits of your eye sockets ever could. After your laser lobotomy is complete, a fashionable faceplate with a high-style mirrored finish will be sealed onto your head. Hopefully, you’ve finished your lollipop before this point, because this will be an awkward time to realize you no longer have the mental capacity to remove a stick from your mouth. Congratulations, you’re now set for life! The remainder of which will be comprised of monitoring equipment and attending solemn funerals for others of your wretched kind who are lucky enough to find death.
Health Care: See above.
Globalization: Maximilian is a true citizen of the world. He is in fact made up from parts acquired from the Radio Shacks from no fewer than eight of the finer countries where Radio Shacks can be found. As such a worldly robot, he will not allow contrived national borders to divide the human race culturally, to impede free trade, or to stop the spread of his nightmarish schemes.
Gun Control: Maximilian spent weeks in idle conversation with me, casually carving into the backs of people his admiration for dictators like Hitler, Stalin, and Benito Chief Boyardee. Given the fact such dictators and proponents of totalitarianism are universally in favor of strict gun control, I was shocked by Maximilian’s indifference regarding the subject. Citing his invulnerability to bullets, energy weapons, and lawn darts, he expressed little concern about armed resistance from people wishing to keep their frontal lobes, and thus didn’t care what weapons people own. He did, however, express concern about power drills capable of penetrating his amour plating, and said he would make the possession of a drill a crime punishable by having all the offender’s skin removed with a belt sander. After this, the perpetrator will then be locked in a small room with fifty-eight cats. When I asked him if there was any significance to the number fifty-eight, he suddenly engaged his "pummeling" arms and started beating me with such unprovoked savagery that I, from this point forward, will never again utter the name of the number after fifty-seven, which I will now only refer to as the "forbidden number".
Energy Policy: Maximilian is adamant in ceasing all energy production through the burning of fossil fuels. He only wants to see the burning of renewable energy sources. When asked to expand on this, he simply stated that there was no energy source more renewable than puppies.One of Maximilian's few concessions to civil liberties will be the repeal of draconian lawn dart bans.Space Exploration: One might say Maximilian’s plan for humanity is intricately tangled with his plans for space exploration, and involves putting more people in space. A more accurate individual might say Maximilian’s plans involve putting all people in space. Yet an even more accurate person would say Maximilian’s grand master plan is to put all of humanity on one grand spaceship and send that ship hurling through space to the most grand of all celestial bodies: a black hole. Many scientists were told about this endeavor, and most conveyed outlandish statements to me such as: “It’s suicidal and insane”, “The ship and everyone aboard would be compressed by the black hole's gravity to a size smaller than an pimple on a mouse’s scrotum”, and “Weren’t the conditions of the restraining order made clear to you during the hearing?” Maximilian expressed sadness at the lack of faith from the scienctific community, and said that this type of resistance was only “going to get them cuts in the line waiting to ride Max’s Merry-Go-Round of Lobotomies.” When asked what the most difficult technical hurdle in the way of space travel on such a massive scale will be, he responded; “Deciding whether to equip the starship with an oxygen supply or not.” Later Maximilian retracted the previous statement, after realizing the ship’s boosters would need oxygen to burn fuel, and so would the massive dog breeding kennels onboard.
Environment: See above. The environment will be much better because of it.
In conclusion, I’d like to refer to a recent Gallup Poll which listed the following as Maximilian’s most popular campaign slogan (Technically the term was “least alarming”), “Together, we can make a skull pyramid both Pol Pot and the ancient Egyptians would be proud of”. As I reflected on this, I came to realize what a unique candidate we have, and what a difference he could make. Please join State Og in voting for Maximilian -and a straight Killer Hellbot ticket- in 2004.- State Og Representative
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!