Water Closet Part Two

I want to stab Julyne's face off.Plot 3 - The Naughty Nurse: You may remember from my previous review that most of what passes for action in Water Closet takes place in the immediate vicinity of a strange building that contains both a fashion agency and a hospital. The third adventure in the series of enthralling and hyper-realistic stories centers on the nurse at this strange hospital who goes by the name Julyne. She and her boss, the crazy foul-mouthed perverted female doctor, are the only employees at the hospital. Apparently the word "clinic" had not been invented yet when this game was released, either that or Japanese hospitals are the most horribly understaffed in the entire world.

Julyne's "plot" begins with her stating her sensitivity over her mongrel heritage as a half-Japanese/half-Canadian woman. She relates a crushing memory of hers about getting insulted at a party by a man who insensitively says "Julyne, you're a half-breed? You're cute!" Of course it's good that they explain her mixed heritage since it has no bearing on the rest of the plot and it's impossible to tell what her heritage is since all of the characters have giant heads and eyes the size of car headlights. Oh but she's blonde, I get it, she doesn't have blue or purple hair like Japanese people!

Her first task at the hospital is to collect a urine sample. Being the dumbshit that she is, Julyne treated me to a long story about urine and the doctor examining herself every day, while I took in the scenery of that one view of an empty bathroom. She then runs into a woman in the hallway who needs help with her constipation problem. After whatever is the opposite of "hilariously" mocking the woman for a few minutes Julyne gives her some random pills from her pocket. After the woman has departed she realizes the random pills are actually not for constipation and are very valuable. Then she spills all of the urine on the floor.

She spilled all the piss. It's all gone!Time for the only interactive portion of this plot! Decide whether to look for the woman to get the pills back, or to replace the urine sample with Julyne's own homebrew. I picked look for the woman, but the game must not have liked that choice as after a few sentences describing Julyne searching, she decided to replace the urine with her own anyway. Not one to disappoint, Water Closet replaced the standard "peeing into a cup" scenario with the vastly more perverted "playing with labia like a child and then masturbating with a catheter and urinating and ejaculating into a cup". Once her vile task had been completed she was assaulted by the ever-angry "Professor W.C. Nicholson, Toilet Researcher" who scolded her for not worshipping the 1110 spirits of the toilet properly. He then grabbed her cup of urine and chugged it, commenting on the fact that it tasted like very good and fruity urine. With just a tiny bit of her juice left in the fun cup, Julyne rushes to deliver it to her boss, afraid that she will lose her job. On the contrary, the crazy pervert doctor makes a vague reference to "the sweet room" and the words "THE END" appeared on the screen.

The abrupt ending to this story was most welcome, making it my favorite of all five of the plots in Water Closet. I was also intrigued by Nicholson's description of the flavor of Julyne's urine. I assume that in Japan a urine-themed magazine exists that is the equivalent of those wine tasting magazines, with a picture of a steaming Dixie-cup and some woman's face next to a description of how her piss has a "heady bouquet and slight hazelnut aftertaste".

Shouko is very indecisive when she has to take a crap.Plot 4 - She Can't Hold It: Shouko is just a normal mother of one, with a happy home with her husband and daughter that just happens to be in the same building as the fashion agency and the "hospital". On her way home from the market with some great fresh corn she intends to use as a dildo she realizes she has to go to the bathroom, but does she have to urinate or defecate? YOU MAKE THE CALL! Apparently you are a really shitty god whose only ability is to control whether this woman has to crap or piss. Hooray!

Wanting to submerge myself as completely as possible in the trauma of this game I naturally selected "defecate". Shouko immediately began complaining about stomach cramps and rushed to her building to use the restroom. I opted to have her wait until she got home in the hopes that her bowels would explode and that toilet doctor guy would appear and kick her head around or something. Instead I was taken through one of the most painfully overlong bathroom selection sequences in the history of mankind. It involved a long wait on the elevator with frequent references to turtle head appearing in her pants, her daughter occupying the family bathroom, until she finally decided to crap into a towel. Great!

Imagine variations of this line repeated AT LEAST 75 times, throw in some stupid crap about trying to figure out where to take a dump, and you've got the majority of the gameplay down.Well the fun wasn't over for me, she changed her mind and decided to crap in the kitchen in a bowl, but then she changed her mind again and decided to crap in the bathtub. You see, the Japanese have their bathtubs in a separate room from their toilets because they're retarded. With Shouko claiming to have discarded the bowl entirely in favor of the shit-tub I was surprised when the next image I was treated to was her crouching over what was either a pink cooking bowl or the smallest bathtub ever made.

Who am I to question continuity in a game that gets everything else so absolutely right?

Just as the hotly anticipated farting sound effects began to play, the tiresome Professor Nicholson swung into the room and began another one of his fan-favorite lectures on toilet usage. Completely dissatisfied with Shouko's use of a bowl and/or bathtub for bowl movements, Nicholson grabs her by her ankles spreading her legs and runs to the other bathroom where the toilet is. Fortunately for us all, en route Shouko could take no more and began to drop rat-like turds out of her cartoon ass, accompanied by a series of wet farting sounds that made me turn my speakers off. Spraying shit everywhere, Shouko and Nicholson burst into the bathroom and the screen faded to black. Text informed me that the daughter, who was still in the bathroom even though Nicholson's diatribe took what seemed like ten hours, was deeply scarred by the sight of her mother spraying shit everywhere. You and me both girl, you and me both.

Tampons?! Setsuko spells them F-U-Npons!Plot 5 - This Plot Involves Tampons (DO NOT READ): I knew I was in for a real treat of the Water Closet special variety when I read that Setsuko's nickname was "toilet". I was playing a game about toilets, featuring a character who is a toilet specialist, playing as someone NAMED TOILET. Folks, it just doesn't get better than that. I might as well go ahead and stop doing Hentai Game reviews, because there is no higher plateau than that. Unless…yes…there could be a game about turds, featuring a turd expert, and you could play a character NAMED TURD!! Someone get fucking JAST, or Pretty Peach, or one of the million other companies that vomits these games out on the phone. I have a solid moneymaker for them.

Back to Setsuko. I joined her during her final exam for whatever school she can be in and still be as young as possible without being illegal. Just as the test began she started feeling some discomfort in her special zone and realizes she was beginning her period. Which means I got to accompany her to a bathroom that looked suspiciously like the bathroom in the building featured in every other plot. When she opened her purse to inspect her feminine hygiene products my heart began to race! Nothing could possibly be more erotic than the application of products designed to limit the escape of menstrual fluids. Doubly exciting was that she had a tampon and not a maxi-pad, and get this; she was a virgin!

Are you aroused yet? I know I am!

Unlock the power of your mind to visualize the rest of this picture. HINT: There are 8 tampons visible on the uncropped version.Having more than a little difficulty inserting the tampon, young Setsuko decided that to get it in she would have to get her juices flowing. She began masturbating and listening to the people who were having sex in the men's room next door AND in the stall adjacent to hers. Finally lubricated enough she decided to take things to a whole other level by inserting about ten tampons into herself. You go girl! Somewhere along the line a mistake was made, and several of the tampons became lodged so deeply in her uterus that should could not get them out. To her horror and my delight she realized that she would never again be able to masturbate and the game ended.

Did you notice that I didn't mention an interactive portion to this story? That was not an oversight, you make ZERO decisions in the saga of Setsuko, but oddly enough when you look in the options there are several events that follow that tampon imbroglio. What the living Christ am I supposed to do with this knowledge? Am I supposed to jostle my monitor during a particular line of text and the plot branches? Do I need to use the game genie to unlock the secret feces fountain scene? Most importantly, what sort of vile and fucking retarded people designed this monstrosity?

These are questions the world may never know the answers to. Sleep well my friends, knowing that at this very moment somewhere in Japan a game is being made that will make Water Closet look like Family Circus.

Final Thoughts: : I admit when I began reviewing Hentai games I greatly exaggerated my disgust at many of the scenarios. It's not that I found them arousing, it's that the Internet had me so jaded that creepy sex and cartoon rape just don't offend me anymore. Water Closet changed all that. This game is honestly disgusting. There is simply no redeeming quality for it, even the gameplay is pretty much as bad as can be imagined. I hope that the profound impact Water Closet has had on me will somehow spare the curious few who would dare explore its forbidden depths. Take heed to the advice that there are some things man was simply not meant to know.