Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy

Say "no." Say "no." Say noohoohoh GOD! God, no!Baby Got Back. Rump Shaker. Big Ole Butt. Brobdingnagian Booty Ho. These songs and many others serve as tributes to the widely accepted view that having a pronounced backside is desirable in a sex partner. Having junk in the trunk or the proverbial gear in the rear is a quality many men look for in a woman. What I don't hear a lot of songs about are giant vaginas. Perhaps I'm misreading the lyrics of "Whoomp! (There it is)" but I believe there is little demand for oversized buttocks to be matched with commensurately enlarged female sex organs. An enormous backside could, say, provide more cushion for various and sundry pushing. An enormous vagina could, well, prove an intimidating tableau for any unfortunate souls unprepared for the sight.

Despite the acute lack of clamoring for giant vaginas, I find myself writing a review for a film which seems to require this exact demographic to succeed. Put another way, "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" is possibly the greatest example of disconnect between supplier and consumer demand. To further explain this I have created this graph comparing the shortfalls in large butt supply versus the overabundance in large vagina supply.

As you can clearly see from this graph, "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" is completely superfluous from a market standpoint. Unfortunately, Lowtax doesn't keep me around to analyze the business mistakes of the porn industry. He keeps me around so that he can torture me with writing reviews of things like "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy."

The film - nay, the legend - centers on five women who provide the titular pussy for a questionably certified doctor to "blow up." This is achieved by using a device that resembles a bicycle pump connected by a clear plastic hose to a transparent plastic cup. The doctor, in flagrant violation of his Hippocratic Oath, places the cup over the woman's vagina and uses the bicycle pump to create suction. This suction pulls, distends and over-engorges the woman's inner and outer vaginal structures. Pressure is applied with a finger just above the anus and with a flatulent rush of escaping air the freakishly bloated organ is released from the cup. A male accomplice then probes, licks and inserts his penis into the abused aperture which, by this point, resembles a mass of tiny balloons. The women, in obvious discomfort, endure the intercourse like true professionals.

That's the easy way to find out how this stuff works, but if I had to watch it in action the least you peasants can do is view this step-by-step illustrated primer on blowing up a pussy.

Step 1

The doctor's first victim here is still smiling. The cup is firmly over Violet Blue's vagina and good old doc has just given it the first pump. It looks a little bit swollen, but most of that can be explained away as the downward pressure of the cup itself. Not too bad.Step 2

Now we're seeing about an inch and a half to two inches of protrusion. That's pretty horrible and even Violet seems to have some second thoughts about the procedure. Doc ain't lettin' up.Step 3

Here you can begin to see the inner parts of Violet's vagina actually coming out through her labia. Nearly three inches of protrusion there, not bad at all if you're a big fan of giant vaginas. I can guarantee you are not.Step 4

The magnum opus of pussy exploding. Doc has managed to apply enough pressure to completely fill the explosion cup with Violet's vagina. At this point, a good "Plan B" for erotic stimulation would be leafing through some pro-life brochures. You see that picture of an aborted fetus next to a quarter? Now that's hot.

Most of the scenes in "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" document a similar chain of events, but there are two notable exceptions. In scene two, the doctor not only inflates the woman's vagina prior to sexual intercourse, but he also inflates it immediately after her male sex partner has ejaculated inside her. This delightful idea produces a freshly-swollen vagina that dribbles semen and some sort of clear fluid that I can only assume is forcibly-drawn lymph.PUMP UP your bedroom activities!In the fourth scene, a darker skinned woman has the misfortune of displaying an oversized clitoris during the pussy blowing up procedure. Doc immediately replaces the pussy exploder cup with a test-tube like attachment that fits snuggly around her clitoris. This is then drawn, with effort, into an inch-long nub of tortured flesh that resembles a boil about to burst. Fortunately, no surgical lances were on hand during the filming.

The film ends with a prompting to purchase the "Kick Ass Pussy Pump" that has wrought so much horror upon tender flesh and tender minds. It is no doubt soon to be banned by whatever government body is responsible for protecting the sanctity of womanhood. Hey, I just found a use for the Christian Coalition.

The Horror: Men standing by their wives and girlfriends during childbirth are told not to look down at their vagina as the baby emerges. If they do look, the image of a purple and bloody human head emerging from a vagina will be etched into their memory for the rest of their days. Every sexual encounter, ever tender moment, will be forever cast under the pall of that memory of a violet-hued ghoul passing through their wife's vagina. Did the doctors get it all? Are there more of them, biding their time and waiting for the right opportunity to either strike or issue forth in an unnumbered legion?

The image of a blown up pussy will haunt my sex life from this day forward. No livid munchkin or blood-drenched tot will inspire fear in a stalwart man such as myself, but the image of those vaginas, pulled and pressed against plastic, moving and pulsing like the feeding tube of some deep sea horror, will be with me forever.

The Bottom Line: If you watch this movie be sure to have sufficient rope on hand to hang yourself or a well-maintained pistol that can shoot out that part of your brain responsible for memory. I laugh at those of you foolhardy enough to click on the linked images. Join me. Join me in this hell.