L. Ron Hubbard: The Poet, submitted by John. L. Ron Hubbard, who you may recall as being the insane wacko who gave birth to a cult which recruits brand new insane wackos, was not only an insane wacko cult leader but also an insane wacko poet in his previous life as a living human being infested with the souls of trapped alien Thetians. Ronny-corpse wrote all kinds of sensitive and romantic poetry, ranging from the sweet and lighthearted"Death," to the morbid and depressing "I'm Happy." If I were to directly quote any of the poems on this page or even attempt to use a photo of L. Ron Hubbard during this review, the Scientology lawyers would crawl up my penniless ass faster than a Scientologist cult member in a reststop's glory hole. With this in mind, I have decided to take some "creative liberties" and alter one of his poems in a way that will free me from their legal persecution, as well as use an image of L. Ron Hubbard that I made a long time ago, possibly while under the influence of narcotics.

STEAM SHOVELS

Steam shovels SAY SCIENTOLOGY IS THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS
Should JOIN OUR CULT I MEAN RELIGION OF LOVE AND LOVE AND HAPPINESS
Be pretty things. SEND US THE MONEY

Steam shovels SPEAK TO YOU THE TRUTH, DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIES OF PEOPLE WHO HATE SCIENTOLOGY
Should SEND US ALL THE MONEY
Be more. BE MORE CRAZY WITH 100% CRAZY BRAND SCIENTOLOGY NOW WITH MORE CRAZY

When all things DIE ONCE WE CREATE OUR LASER BEAM ION DEATH RAY CANNON IN HIDDEN SECRET BASE COMPLEX
Come TO THE SCIENTOLOGY CLINIC AND GET A FREE PERSONALITY TEST
To an end at last YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T JOIN US, HUMAN
It is A SHITTY POEM
Quite good TO JOIN SCIENTOLOGY, YOU CAN USE VISA OR MASTERCARD OR DINER'S CLUB CARD
To stand IN OUR BRAINWASHING STATION WAGON OF DOOM
With pockets filled WITH YOUR CASH OR A MORTGAGE ON YOUR HOME OR CHILDREN
With fingers and HANDS ADORNED WITH PRECIOUS GEMS BOUGHT WITH YOUR OWN MONEY

Watch US TAKE OVER SMALL TOWNS AND TURN THE CITIZENS INTO ZOMBIES LIKE RACCOON CITY
Steam shovels. SEND US ALL THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!

Wow, what a deep and thoughtful poem! It really made me think about... well, something. I was definitely thinking though, and that's the main point. Be sure to check out the other mind-bendingly beautiful poems L. Ron Hubbard created during the years when he was alive, all of which confirm the fact that he was really a deep and emotional shitty poet.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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