The Temple of Shao'Kehn, submitted by KittenThrower. Speaking of nutty religions, you can always depend on the Internet to provide you with hundreds upon thousands of absolutely loony new age garbage sites dedicated to some convoluted mess based upon poorly researched myths and animated gifs. The Temple of Shao'Kehn (AKA Shoikin) is... well... I'm not exactly sure what it is. I do know that almost every page has some laughable embedded wav file which says, in a really spooky voice, things like "welcome" and "do you dare enter?" It's a little known fact, but many religions believe in embedding spooky wav files. How do you think Judaism got its start? So what is Shao'Kehn? I'll let the author explain it, because I sure as hell can't, especially not with those spooky wav files going on.

Shao'Kehn is my Deity of Chaos, Confusion, and Protection. A hard Deity to define, She is like a combination of the African Goddess Oya (Goddess of Change), the Greek Eris (Chaos and Confusion), and as a force of nature, as life-force, instincts, Truth, and vital power. But She is more than that. She is all of life, as Chaos in this conception of it; She is energy. Chaos, when evenly balanced with Organization, is a GOOD thing. People who try to rid their lives completely of chaos are inviting stagnation, entropy, and eventual death. Shao'Kehn is all that keeps us alive and thriving. She is Light AND Dark, Life AND Death. Therefore, Shao'Kehn is not a mean Deity, She simply "Is."

Shao'Kehn told me, while explaining that there is no such thing as Evil, that a predator hunting its prey in order for it to be able to eat is not evil--it is simply feeding itself, and it is controlling the population of the prey animal. Without the predator, they prey overwhelms its environment and starves to death or dies of disease, possibly inviting extinction.

So Shao'Kehn is all of life. She is on EVERYONE'S side.

Sweet! Well, uh, that's good to know! This Shao'Kehn broad is like Captain Planet and will come to your rescue whenever you need her most, even if you don't have the power of "Heart" and an intelligent monkey. If you weren't convinced this was a legit religion, perhaps you should check out the section of R-rated Shao'Kehn fan fiction poetry!

I love You, Shao'Kehn, with all my heart,
Though You tore me all apart,
Bit off my genitals and spat them out,
Turned my brain into sauerkraut,
And pardon me for being crass,
But You raped me hard right up the ass,
Sucked out my blood, drank me dry,
Threw me into the fire to fry,
Tore out my intestines, ate them with glee,
Then urinated inside of me,
You flayed me alive and devoured me whole,
All that to expose my poor pained soul!
But You brought Your darkest peace to me,
Ripped out my heart, showed it to me.

Do you think they sing that during church sermons? Feel free to ask them in their guestbook.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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