If you thought trying to parse the ramblings of a broken mind who spoke the same language as you was funny, try The Earth is Controlled by Evil Alien, a conspiracy site that's been poorly translated into English from Japanese!
Even the section titled "The Gist OF This Website" is nearly impenetrable. As far as I can tell, it claims this: There are consciousnesses that exist without physical bodies. We think of these consciousnesses as God, and also Satan. Other, slightly less powerful but still maybe non-physical beings are what we think of as angels. These angels and God-Satan are fighting wars around our sun. Also, because God-Satan is a dick, he likes to watch us regular Joes murder each other, and then when he gets bored with that, he'll just kill us all, first personally, and then with a flood like Noah's. Does it sound far-fetched? Not to mention merciless? Well, too bad, according to this guy: "This deed may not be denied flatly because the US has the history that many baffalos were killed as the targets of the shooting for the fun." So, fuck us, I guess.
The execution is absolutely sublime. Animated GIFs, scrolling text, and completely whacked-out translations guarantee that you'll dump way more time into this one than you would if you were just reading some normal-ass conspiracy site. Simply by virtue of the effort needed to understand even an iota of the already nonsensical ideas, it's a thousand times more bizarrely engaging. It's the old cliché - like a car crash, you can't stop staring - but in this case both cars are clown cars, so instead of feeling guilty and voyeuristic, you feel like it's a part of some big show.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously, spend some fucking time with this site. The submitter linked directly to this page, which is labeled "Chapter 17" and bears the floating title "The Attack of UFOs and the Giant Deluge of Noah." The text begins unbelievably promisingly: "How To Escape: If we are attacked by light guns, you may think it good to refuge in the shelters which are made deep under the ground. It is a good method in a certain respect. It is, however, important for you to know the following things:" Then he lists four Things, and then another, separate two-Thing list begins, in which he predicts "they will naturally start the attack from the North Pole." This entire page is fucking golden, and there are at least 88 other working chapters, not to mention other clickable links with titles like "Tender-Hearted Aliens and Cruel-Hearted Alien (The Murmur OF Satan)." Go crazy with it! (But not this crazy.) -- Garbage Day
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.