LISTEN GUYS. JUST LISTEN. I WANT YOU TO KNOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT ALREADY ... THERE ARE PEOPLE STALKING YOU. THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND YOU, AND THEY'RE TRYING HARD. OR THEY'VE ALREADY FOUND YOU, AND THEY'RE MONITORING YOU BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL. WHAT'S THAT? YOU'RE GETTING A HEADACHE? I TOLD YOU! THAT'S THE RESULT OF THEIR SHIT.

Conspiracy Web sites get fucking boring after a while. There's only so many times you can tell me the election of Barack Obama was an Illuminati plot to see how we handle a black man being president before I feel I've found out how deep the rabbit hole goes, and that depth is right in the middle of Crazytown. (It's full of butterflies. Sugar. Baby.)

So the best you can do is introduce me to some new and interesting rabbit holes. (This does not mean send me more furry sites. DO NOT SEND ME MORE FURRY SITES.) Instead of giving me the whole "the government is out to get me" thing, send me "the government is out to get me, but if we pass legislation those dudes will totally stop," which is the weird mindset the vigilant folks at Freedom from Covert Harassment & Surveillance are apparently into.

Yes, the government is controlling your mind and body, FFCHS concedes. BUT if we tell them to stop doing those specific things which they've never admitted to doing, they totally will. Take our quick survey. We will show you that you are not alone in thinking that the government is spying on you electronically, through your brain. (You're definitely not alone in thinking that. There are 2.4 million schizophrenics in the US alone. And this shit covers overseas, too.)

Anyway, this site recommends that if you want the secret shadow government to stop spying on your very brilliant mind, you should send 12-page-long letters typed on an old typewriter to your local congressman. He will definitely take you seriously. For sure.

*If you'd like to read more about this organization and its issues (and see what some of these people look like) while listening to some soothing massage-spa beats and smooth-jazz guitar, click on these groovy grassroots videos!

– Daryl "Fucking" Hall

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