Tennessee gubernatorial candidate James Reesor calls himself "Crazy Man James," which certainly establishes his "honest politician" credentials. Jamesreesor.com branches off into a bewildering assortment of bizarre, blinking tributary sites, many of which feature "secret content," like the "behind-the-scenes confidential link to buy stuff to celebrate my campaign," which is apparently Crazy Man code for "Cafe Press page."
Another sub-section spells out the "Amerijericho Dream," in which "Christians in every nation are invited to enter, inhabit and dominate Tennessee and the surrounding ten states. We want to create a new state-of-mind nation to serve as a refuge from the insanity of a wicked world." To discover if you're cut out for Amerijericho citizenship, you can answer a series of questions to determine if you're a "True Christian," one of which being "Will I be ranting obscenities to condemn James Reesor if a crowd forms to stone him - or will I just walk away to leave him vulnerable among his tormentors?" You can also watch an 8-minute YouTube video in which Reesor gestures wildly in a cemetery while discussing how "dead people have been known to vote." There are probably hundreds of other paths to follow in Reesor's insanely elaborate Web network, if you just keep clicking on everything that flashes.
When not maintaining a statistically significant percentage of the Internet's total sites, Reesor finds time to comment on news stories about other, more viable contenders for office, offering a series of signed quotes that can be used "free-of-charge by anyone."
Reesor reasons that all he needs are seven good friends, who in turn tell seven friends about his campaign, and so on, until "most of the people in the world could be informed about Amerijericho." Well, I've informed at least seven people -- Something Awful's most recent page-view statistics suggest it could be as many as 12! -- so I feel I'm entitled to some "secret" reward. Just send me of those Campaign Teddys, Crazy Man James, and we'll call it even.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.