We live in a convenience-based society. Food is omnipresent, microwaveable, pre-cooked, vacuum-packed, preserved, and packed so densely with macronutrients that we have to starve ourselves and eat things like kale or fiber cereal to keep from obese-ing up like we're on TLC. Thankfully, the market has responded by tempering our convenience with products that actively prevent us from slamming garbage into our faces as fast as possible. Just kidding! It's actually more convenient now.
Take this desktop Coke fridge, for example. Never mind the fact that it costs more than a hundred bucks. It holds corn-syrup cans so we don't accidentally burn a calorie walking to the fridge or vending machine. A short walk down the hallway might lead to eye-contact, or, worst of all, exchanging words with another human. I'll take the desk Coke, please!
The Moo Mixer is a motorized cup designed to make chocolate milk without the labor-intensive process usually associated with this beverage. Remember the old days, when you had to swirl a spoon in a cup several times after squirting in chocolate syrup or sugar-powder? You might as well be churning butter. Are we Amish people? NO. We want to push the stir button and have it automatically stir so we don't have to take our eyes off a glowing rectangle.
"That's a sandwich cutter! It's for kids!" Not so fast. Children today don't have Tetris nostalgia. They grew up with iPads and Playstation 3s. It's the ADULTS who want little Tetris sandwiches with no crust. It's the adults who have to cut their mushy baby food into video-game shapes. No crust for manchildren, please. Throw the icky part in the trash and not in my tummy.
Ever heard of chopsticks? Or washing your hands? No? Then get a "potato chip grabber." Load your grease-wafers into your mouth one by one, imagining the white-gloved cartoon hand to be an extension of your body.
Is it time for dessert? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? It's America and it's always time for dessert. Spin the Motorized Ice Cream Cone at the touch of a button while it grinds low-grade frozen milkfat emulsion into your ever-hungry porkface. Reload it again and again! Want cookies with that ice cream? You're going to need these special plastic sticks to soak your sugar discs in milk. America! AMERICA!!!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Drew Fairweather goes through hundreds of Things for Sale every month, and he saves the worst of the Worst for Something Awful readers!