This article is about gross animals that shit inside their houses, tear up their possessions, and eat low-grade food. No, not humans! Good guess though! I'm talking about housepets. They're a great addition to your house, and also a great way to neurotically spend money on creatures who don't even notice that you have to work all day to give them stuff to ignore. Here's some of that stuff!
Let's start with the "Pet Highchair." The manufacturer is attempting to play on your chronic loneliness, pet owner. The sales pitch here implies that your dog or cat is lonely on the floor while you're eating, and that you'd both be happier if they were in a padded bucket at the end of the table. How much happier? $48 happier.
The Durable Stick is a piece of molded plastic that looks like a stick. It's made to smell like real wood. You can throw it and your dog will get it and chew on it. Unfortunately, it costs $15, and it's competing with a product called Any Stick, made by Any Tree, which costs Get As Many Of Them From The Ground As You Want For Free.
But maybe you have fish. Fish aren't suited for watching you eat dinner from a table-mounted bucket, or chewing on a fake stick. That's where the Fish Training Kit comes in. It contains a set of underwater toys and also an instructional DVD. You can train your fish to shove a soccer ball into a little goal! You can make it swim through a hoop! Supposedly! Maybe! Who cares? The DVD is made by a "world famous fish trainer," which sounds like a euphemism, but it's not. It's a lie.
Unlike other pets, dogs bark. They bark bark bark bark, all the fucking time. So what should you get your dog? In real life, Benadryl. Two Benadryl. But let's pretend you're an insane pet owner and you think your dog needs to bark more. Enter PetPeek, the dog-window for your fence! Now your neighbors will not only hear your dog bark when he hears something from inside the yard, but also when he sees someone walk or drive by. Maybe he sees a bird from across the street, a regular bird. That's enough to bark at! Bark bark bark! That's dog speak for THANKS FOR THE DOG PORTHOLE.
And, finally, let's not forget the shitty sullen teen of the pet world, the cat. These emotionless fuckers want nothing more than to hide 23 hours a day, occasionally playing alone with a piece of string. Should you let them do this? NO WAY. Get them the Happy Habitat, which is neither happy nor a habitat. It's a small tent in a hot back yard. It's the Joe Arpaio of how to treat your cat. It's Meowschwitz. If you don't believe me, check out these 50 (yeah, FIFTY) customer pictures of different pissed-off cats stewing in the Happy Habitat Cat Detention Camp and secretly planning their revenge.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Drew Fairweather goes through hundreds of Things for Sale every month, and he saves the worst of the Worst for Something Awful readers!