I've received a lot of cool feedback on last week's Goldmine, all "whiny brats" this and "horrible ungrateful cuntbags" that. Well, here you go friends, more Forums Goons you'll love to hate! This time, I've drawn from the "Shitty Toys for Shitty Kids" thread, which started with fuckingtest soliciting gift ideas for that "certain special child in your life that you absolutely can't stand" but quickly became Goons posting things they themselves had received. Really makes u think about the ramifications ... Anyway, I also browsed "Post Your Holiday Loot," which was renamed "Selfish Ingrates Who Missed The Point Of The Holiday" for reasons that might become evident. Plus, there are a few legitimate gripes, and some leftover FYAD parodies from last week's batch. Finally, there are gifts that real adult Goons asked for and were happy to receive! (You'll notice the article title; I'm standing by it.)
From my woman's incredibly clueless family:
If your nephew is being especially shitty this year, you could always give him the best gift ever: the gift of charity. Nothing says "You're a swell kiddo!" like sending a piglet to a starving African family in his name.
WET BUTT: Charity card? Seriously? I make you a santa themed zombie flash cartoon for xmas and it takes me three weeks and i miss many a raid online to make it, and then, after i show it to you, you give me a piece of paper that says people in sudan have goats? What the fuck?
What I got this year: A $50 scanner
and that is pretty much it. my stepdad goes and spends like $200 on each of his kids and then they get $50 cash from my step-grandma on top of that, but I get a $50 scanner and a step-grandma who ignores me this year when she never has before
At least the scanner was something I asked for. I guess this is part of the peril of having a birthday in January... it's a shame this had to happen in a year where I can barely afford to get other people anything, so i feel super terrible about it now since I can't even use some gift money to get them late christmas presents(which was sort of my plan) Sad Christmas
CyberErotica by Dan
Oh, you didn't get me any money for Christmas? That's actually funny to me, because I was just going to spend the money to get you Christmas gifts anyway, and now it looks like I shan't be doing that. Congratulations on ruining your own Christmas, fucktard.
I LIKE FROSTYS
Big set of pots & pans (sauce, frying, flat, iron, etc)
Apple comp. (I-mac)
A lot of new pillows, didn't count them.
$450 gift card to Outback Steak
Drinking water (Tap in my kitchen doesn't work)
VCR + tapes
Big box of makeup. I'm a man so this is just going to get pawned, but it could be worth a lot.
Sheet to put on the chair so it stays clean.
Nail files and clipper
When I was in middle school (probably around grade 6 or 7), I unwrapped a present from my grandmother. She had gotten me one of those cool crystal orbs that have a 3D laser-etched picture inside, except this one just had the words "Islam is the light". I am an Atheist. She knows this.
Parents are out of town, told me to stay at home because "very special gift" was en route from boston. rapper asher roth pulled up in a 1997 ford pinto w his dj (12 year old boy whose name is just "dubs" ??), keeps doing raps to "i love college" with words "i love christmas" instead. also dog that lives in his trunk tore up my couches
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.