|Battletoads. That's what I remember the most about my friend Josh growing up. He had Battletoads. I lived next door to the kid for the better part of 8 years. We rode our bikes together, snuck copies of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition from his older brother's room, turned acres of field in our rural Vermont town into a "medium golf" course. But most of all, I remember sitting in his basement, eyes red and searing from the dust mites and mold, and playing fucking Battletoads for hours and hours. My parents had a strict no-videogame rule for the house, and his parents tried to keep us from playing games in order to respect them. But sometimes they'd kick out for synagogue or dradle racing or something and Josh and I would go fucking nuts fighting giant goddamn roided up guido toads against each other.|
Probably because of Battletoads I've always had a soft-spot for that old-school 2D "run laterally and smash shit" mode of video games, which is why I especially love this week's Comedy Goldmine. Forum goon Darko created a political version of Battletoads with his game "Angry Barry." It's a real game - you can download it from the XBox Marketplace here, and it should be on Steam soon. Below is the info that Darko posted, along with some screenshots, a game trailer, and video from when the game was profiled on MSNBC. It's not as good as Battletoads, but it will keep me sated until I can find a moldy basement and SNES again.
This was such a ridiculously fun election season, and I had so much fun reading and laughing along with you guys during it, I decided to commemorate it in game format. Since the X-box 360 has their Community Games service where you can upload any old shit and have it possibly be beamed into people's living rooms across the world, I decided to put it on there because I thought that getting people's reactions on it would be hilarious. Plus you can make beer money using it, which is a definite plus.
So let me tell you about the game that SA inspired:
Are you a bad enough president to kick ass?
Angry Barry is a political parody high definition 2D side scrolling beat em up in the tradition of classic titles such as Bad Dudes.
In 'Angry Barry' you play the role of the titular 'Barry' as you fight a vast assortment of characters through 9 stages in your quest for the presidency of the United States . This quest takes you through a vast assortment of characters ranging from old catladies to Democratic and Republican rivals to the resurrected cybernetic Robo-Gipper. Equipped with punches, kicks, special moves and items, Barry bashes his way through all challengers in this next-generation adventure.
Angry Barry features several special moves and combos, high definition hand drawn and animated 2D graphics, tons of political humor and parody, an original soundtrack composed exclusively for the game, local 2 player simultaneous play, next generation effects and particles, and a huge number of enemies and items on screen at any given time.
One side note about the game is that you can pick up any item and use it to bash stuff with, no matter how big it is.
One day a little kid named Barry lived in Hawaii and he got hit by a meteor. From that point on, whenever he gets mad, he becomes 'Angry Barry,' a powerful being bent on world domination. Many years later, Barry was in the park eating a hotdog, when he found a fingernail in it. He then became madder than he had ever been before, and was now permanently 'Angry Barry.' Now nothing will stop his quest, starting with the presidency of the United States.
Level 1: Central Park
Fight your way through Central Park, through rogue Secret Service agents and catladies named 'Dottie,' on the way to take down HillDawg.
Level 2: Pure Train Gold
Boss: The Good Doctor
Fight your way across a train with a golden cargo in order to fund your rise to power. Watch out for the Good Doctor and his neckbeard minions! (and look out for the blimp flying by that drops bombs on you from time to time)
Level 3: Utah
Derailed in Utah, you have to fight your way through leagues of Mormons to get to the plane to take you to D.C.
Level 4: Alaska
Boss: Toxicain/Woman in Helicopter
The plane was a trap that deposited you in deepest Alaska, now fight your way through legions of wolves (with helicopters chasing the wolves), catladies, and Secret Service agents to confront the mastermind behind the attempt to take you out.
Level 5: DC
Finally, you have arrived at your goal. Take down the President and take over the country!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.