|Hello! My name is Stanley Shill. I'm CEO of Ubicorp Ltd, a consortium representing some of the biggest corporations in America,and I've purchased some time during this week's Comedy Goldmine to help clear up some popular misconceptions that have been floating around.|
A few weeks ago you may have read an article here called Worst Companies In The World. It purported to be a catalog of all sorts of nasty things that American companies have done here and abroad. All sorts of terrible stories about contaminated medicine dumped on Eastern European countries with inadequate health regulation, agricultural practices that are choking the fertile midwest dry, and hooking babies on milk formula to squeeze a few cents from starved African mothers.
But folks, I'm here to tell you that corporate America has put a new foot forward. We've made real revisions and I'm here to tell the world about them. I want everyone to know how golf courses from Las Vegas to Thailand are helping to solve global warming by planting millions of acres of fairways in the desert, how timber companies are helping to reduce the risk of forest fires by clearcutting national forests, and how Goldman Sachs plans to put some fiscal oomph behind cap and trade with a little help from the invisible hand. We've got full support from the Obama administration here, led by Larry Summers, a thoughtful man who cares about justice, a concern which manifested itself in his proposal to level the playing field by taking waste from rich countries and relocating it to Africa in the interests of global equality.
There are plenty of examples of how us white collar folks aren't so bad. In fact, we're a lot like you! We walk like you, talk like you, are upset at possibly paying 1% marginal tax rate on incomes in the 99th percentile to help give you health care like you. We know that you love truth and freedom and the American way just as much as us, and that true fealty and patriotism are found in the desire - the duty - to always look on the bright side of life.
We would never lead you astray. We are your friends.
I don't shop at wal mart or mcdonalds, and I'm in the process of switching to a credit union, but I'm trying to think of companies that aren't shitty for any reason...Target? Ben & Jerry's? UPS? Amazon.com? Should I just suck it up and avoid the absolute worst places?
I live in a small town with no local businesses
Monsanto is one of the most consistently ethical companies and feeds millions of people due to the benefits of GM crops. Their crops reduce global warming caused by tilling, reduce pesticides needed, and in the future, will require far less water !
Marlboro has agreed to work with the FDA to make their products safer
Coca-Cola has replaced the rightwing paramilitary death squads protecting their South American factories from unionization with non-ideological narco militias.
De Beers has developed a revised ratings system that will soon certify all of their diamonds as conflict free.
Gazprom is securing the safety of laborers at their Nigerian petrochemical facilities by implanting them all with "kidnap" transponders.
British Petroleum invested over 25 million dollars in the development of green efuel technologies for a brighter tomorrow and invested 22 million dollars in Environmental Science Action, a PAC denying global warming science.
Merck has officially instituted a company-wide policy of pulling any new drug off the market immediately upon the one-year anniversary of the study that demonstrates it causes heart attacks.
Smithfield foods is tirelessly searching out any poor families negatively affected by living in proximity their pig-shit lakes and offering them complimentary Glade plug-ins.
mcdonald's is working to minimise waste by feeding live cows into an enormous mincing machine and retexturing the resulting slurry into delicious burgers
nike is providing activities for very young children across south asia
vedanta resources is bringing the excitement of the outdoors to children across asia, with activities such as rock-climbing, caving, and extracting profitable minerals
Williams Mullen ensure that lawmakers and the people they represent always have a shared understanding of the issues.
royal dutch shell hasnt directly contributed to the oppression of peoples or the assassination of a freedom fighter in a few years
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
That atheist professor should have kept his mouth shut around this American Sniper.
'Let the building eat you.'
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.