When I was 5 or so I wanted to be a video game designer or something.

Now I'm a philosophy major.


Seeing as my other two wants ended up being hobbies of mine this was the only other one I seriously considered.

It was for the good of society that I didn't end up a surgeon me thinks.

Instead I have a massive office full of fucking awesome equipment and the freedom that comes with being the only one who can work the confounded stuff. I love my job.

Edit: I felt guilty and actually made an effort. Besides, I love my job and the worshipping that comes with it. I reward my faithful with lots of cake and biscuits (cookies to the non-Aussies).


I wanted

what I got

coulda done worse

Magic Hate Ball

Ever since my parents took me to see Daylight when I was six:

Ever since the recession kicked my town's ass:

Unemployment is like a waiting room, except you don't know when your appointment is.


Wanted to be: Rockstar Astronaut

Became: Lifeless nerd.


Wanted: to be someone who finds new artist geniuses and makes them famous, thereby affecting culture and history! And the best writer in the world who is an awesome activist living in a Big City.

Reality: I had to stop going to college as an art history major; now I'm spending time in a mental wellness facility, living in an apartment owned by them, on government money, due to extreme anxiety. But I get to learn about and hang out with a lot of poor and homeless mentally ill people who I never would have met otherwise. And there are handsome counselors.

Carl The Shivan

What I wanted:

What I became:

13th Duchess

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.