a new shop moves into town that sells only baby shoes that curse the people who buy them in concisely ironic ways, and is staffed by the devil (secretly Ernest Hemingway)
"I, Donald Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
a local man has to mothball his baby shoe distribution business when for some reason no one wants baby shoes that he weirdly calls "never worn" instead of just "new"
"what's the matter with you people? - they've got no god damn baby germs, have they? - i should like to know how you expect to get along without my brand new, fresh, never worn before by a baby, never used once, no baby's feet have been in these, free of all infant joy and laughter residue, shoes for your babies, that's all!"
it was neither delivery nor digiorno
big black turnout
After several hours of awkward attempts to hang out, the customer was relieved to finally see him go, but scant minutes later, his weed dealer was back at the door saying "hey, man, my car won't start, is it cool if I just crash here tonight?"
the game is exclusive to that one console you hate
I hate bloodbox, and its constant demands for baby shoes!
ERROR SHOES HAVE BEEN WORN *ejects shoes*
each time a grieving father sells his baby shoes he finds another pair of baby shoes sitting at the top of the stairs every night - "these ones havent been worn either," he says, a pained and haunted look entering his eyes, "and that makes them even scarier and more terrifying than the previous ones, which i sold"
For sale: Hemingway joke, thoroughly depleted.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.