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PORK 4 KIDS!

Monday, September 16, 2002 Update by Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

PORK 4 KIDS!, submitted by Chris. Now nobody can debate the fact that tobacco companies have been trying to advertise their cancer-causing smoke-logs to children. Remember that time Joe Camel had a cameo appearance on "Sesame Street" and taught kids how to count to 10 while blowing smoke rings? Of course you don't, probably because I made it up. However, I've always had higher standards for the illustrious pork industry, naively assuming that they wouldn't stoop so low as to sell pork to innocent children. Guess what? I was wrong. DEAD wrong.

FOR TEACHERS: On a flip chart or board at the front of the room, ask students to help create a list of things they have learned about pigs and life on the farm. Ask students if they would like to visit a farm someday (if they haven't already)? Ask students if they would like to learn more about farms and pigs? At the end of the unit ask students to write a journal entry about pigs. Tell them to list all of the things they learned about farms and pigs. Review the journals to check for comprehension.

FOR KIDS: Peggy the Pork Chop stars in "Are You in My Food Group?" Will she ever find her "food family?" Make a Chef's Hat You Can Wear! Print it and cut it out, then assemble it to wear as you cook! All you will need are scissors and tape.

Wow! Talking pigs! I can only imagine what wonderful and awe-inspiring message hogs have to say to these children. "Hey kids, I roll in my own shit 24 hours a day! I'm full of parasites! Farmers use special tools to rip out my spine! I'm born and kept in captivity my whole life just so I can be slaughtered! Have fun eating large chunks of my baked flesh!"

Now don't get me wrong; I'm no pansy-ass vegetarian fruitball. I like bacon just as much as the next lazy slob. However, an entire website created in Flash and dedicated to brainwashing small kids into consuming mass amounts of dead pig is just disturbing. The fact that the pig looks so damn happy doesn't really help either, but considering the fact that these multicolored children are apparently floating in front of a vortex to hell, that's probably the least of our worries.

- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka