Missed Memoriams: Rooney, Keane, Gaddafi, D
We at Something Awful like to keep up with the deaths of celebrities. Unfortunately, sometimes God calls too many of his children to his side at once and we miss out on important death announcements. Come with us as we clear the backlog and celebrity the lives of some of the world's greatest.
The self-described "Lion of Africa" and Libyan dictator for life, Qqaadaphee refused to step down amid growing uprisings in 2011, instead turning to Nigerian mercenaries to slaughter his own people. After months of fighting with NATO-backed rebels he was discovered hiding in a drainage culvert and captured by rebels who handed him over to officials for trial in the International Criminal Court.
And by "handed him over to officials" we mean "shot him in the head and sodomized him with a stick."
Confused American supporters of the rebels re-watched Star Wars several times for the part where Han Solo shoved a pole up the Emperor's butthole and shot him in the head as he was pleading for his life. Libya is expected to prosper from oil revenues and a democratically-elected Al Qaeda government.
Bil Keane created the popular newspaper comic "Family Circus" about the follies of perpetual children born in the 1940s and the exasperated parents who try to cope with their children's unusual condition. Keane, who lost an "L" serving in WWII, died with the plotline of Family Circus unfinished, forcing fans to wonder how the 60-year-old children might continue to not grow up in a world without their father. Services will be held at the Lady of Grace church in Dunson, California. Just follow the dozens of dotted lines to the wake.
Taken from us too young, Grammy-winning rapper, actor and political activist Heavy D collapsed and died at his home from heaviness of the D. He is best remembered for his cameo appearance in 1997's B*A*P*S. G-Wiz will give his eulogy and D will be laid to rest on a waterbed.
Incredulous surveyor of the baffling reality in which he existed. Left many rhetorical questions unanswered. He was preceded in death by his beloved wife of 62 years, Marguerite Rooney. It makes you wonder why can't people stay married anymore? They have a drive thru chapel next door to a drive thru divorce parlor in Las Vegas now. Elvis will officiate your wedding.
I wonder if you can have a celebrity oversee your divorce. I think I'd like to have Joe DiMaggio. "Til death do us part" used to really mean something, but these days a relationship can end if a man decides to "ghost ride a whip," whatever that is. Don't mess with spirits. And pull your damn pants up, Kids These Days.