Surviving War in Iraq
The Basics of War Survival
A US Marine attempts to avoid bullets.
When you are hit by a bullet, and chances are you will be during a war, try to ensure that the bullet does not hit a vulnerable location. These vulnerable locations include the following:
You should put every effort into deflecting incoming bullets away from these vulnerable locations and into shielded body parts or generally worthless locations like calluses, blisters, and malignant moles. Most frontline troops will be issued some form of protective body armor, but that crap tends to be pretty hot and does not breathe at all, so discard it and remark dramatically to a nearby rookie that "you won't be needing this". Also, before beginning any attacks on enemy positions always make sure you have enough action points to make it behind cover before your turn ends.
Binary Heart (Tenctonese Only)
Hideously Distended Labia (Porn Stars turned Delta Force Only)
Let's now move on to the specifics of surviving a war in Iraq. This only applies to the Coalition of the Awesome or whatever America is called in this war, the Iraqis have no chance of surviving.
Step One: Don't Go Anywhere Near Helicopters
More victims claimed by a helicopter.
Then the entire Iraqi Republican Guard will mount up into the murderous Blackhawks and Apaches and crash them all into the ground and die. Except for Tariq Aziz who will be surfing and possibly "hanging ten".
For some reason the concept of "staying the fuck away from helicopters" seems to be causing a problem for the top brass, who keep insisting that crash-happy choppers get loaded full of elite commandos even though five seconds after liftoff they plummet into a canyon and explode. If you're ordered to get into a helicopter by one of your stupid commanders might I offer some plausible excuses to get you out of gyrodeath.
If none of these options work you can attempt to drive the point home by sneaking up to the Brigade commander's tent late at night and chucking grenades inside. If necessary attach notes to the grenades that read "Vote no on Issue 35".
You contracted HIV from a Kuwaiti male prostitute and your lack of T-cells might cause you to become severely airsick and vomit blood into the mouths of fellow soldiers.
Your attempts to open a can of Vienna sausages that may or may not have been discarded because of botulism was such a disheartening failure that the trauma has left you with shell shock.
Your new age religious beliefs prevent you from rising more than a few feet above sea level or else face eternal torment in the bowels of a hip and alternative hell-like location.
You refuse to ride in a helicopter unless the pilot agrees to fly with the sirens on.
Your aunt was decapitated on the set of the "Twilight Zone" movie and her death has left you mortally afraid of helicopters.
Just grin smugly and say "you chumps ride in that helicopter, I'll use my jetpack." Then when they take off go back into your tent and nap.
Explain slowly and clearly that you are allergic to plummeting to the desert floor and dying in a violent crash or burning to death while trapped in wreckage.