Completely Factual Primer on Modern Religion (Volume Two)
Monday I brought you the first half of our two part epic on the world's religions. Today I bring you the conclusion. Are you excited? ME TOO!!!!!!!! Nothing gets my heart pumping like a huge block of text about Jesus and shit. Sometimes I get so excited I will just copy and paste "JESUS IS LORD" in Word over and over until I pass out from heat exhaustion.
Overview: There are thousands of different offshoots of the protestant Christian church, all created in the same day in 1843 by rolling up various theological differences on a random encounter chart. Many of these different sects of Christianity have similar practices and beliefs; others have very mysterious or specific beliefs that help define what makes a particular group special. One thing for certain is that they all love their trucks built Ford tough.
Christians love weiners.
Fun Facts:Pros: Easy women, big money, and lots of free Bibles.
While at first glance Methodists may appear to be Christians just like every other splinter sect of the church, they are in fact a secret organization devoted to the continued production of techno music. They dropped the "crystal" from the name when they were sued by the RIAA for copyright infringement.
Presbyterians vehemently oppose the development of a space elevator out of fear that it will reveal their heaven is actually just an obsolete Russian communications satellite.
Due to a misspelling error it was discovered that Lutherans are supposed to be based off the teachings of Luther Vandross. This mistake was discovered in 1982 leading to the Lutheran reformation to correct this error and bring everyone into line.
For Baptists the baptismal pool is not filled with water, but a 50/50 mix of children's tears and deacon piss.
Methodists can gain Super Speed when they reach level 14, but only if they've chosen at least one other power from the Speed pool set.
Lutherans are always getting arrested in graveyards, and nobody knows why.
Many Presbyterians perform Christ's miracle of transubstantiation daily by placing water into an arcane religious device known as a wine distillery.
Cons: You are automatically drafted into the Army of Christ to do battle with Satan's minions at the end of days. Your equipment: a crucifix. Minion's equipment: tanks and jet fighters.
Overview: Originally practiced by the red-skinned savages of the American West, Hinduism has spread from the casinos and AA meetings of the Sioux to locations as far flung as Calcutta and Hyderabad. Traditions such as wampum, dream catchers, and fire water live on in souvenir shops, but the modern Church of Hindu is a realistic and prosperous religion based around pragmatic views of the afterlife and not some hokey mumbo-jumbo shaman crap.
A lot has changed since the days of the Wild West.
Fun Facts:Pros: You might be reincarnated as a robot or even Spider Man.
Hindus believe that their third eye or "Warp Eye" allows them to perceive subtle changes in the chaotic currents of the immaterium. Particularly devout or awakened Hindus are often employed as navigators by the Imperium.
If you do not want to be reincarnated you can just reappear where you were when you died and blink for several seconds in invulnerable mode.
When a Hindu man dies his surviving wife is encouraged to become an astronaut.
Hindu men can fire lasers from their third eye, but they rarely do because it stings like the dickens.
Every religious service involves singing and dancing. While on fire.
Hinduism is a polytheistic religion. For example Hindus believe that Vishnu preserves the sanctity of the universe, while physicist Robert Oppenheimer will some day be the destroyer of all things.
Hindus can be placed in an ecstatic trance by holding them upside down by their ankles.
Cons: 99.99% chance you will be reincarnated as an insect who leads a brief but agonizing and confusing existence.
Overview: Islam or "Muslim" is a relatively new religion developed in 1988 by agricultural researchers at Dow-Corning. Somehow, a highly infectious strain of the religion escaped from a safe room and managed to infest an entire test field of wheat. This wheat was then unknowingly donated by Dow to a food aid program to the Mid East, where the wheat was consumed, infecting thousands with the religion. One's rank in the religion is determined by the level of Islam spore contained in a person's blood. Grand Ayatollahs possess the most while Jihadis possess the least and are therefore highly expendable.
Islam is a new but serious disease.
Fun Facts:Pros: Free helicopters with every Koran purchase, great religion for musical elitists, cheap to feed Muslim children.
Islamists are powered by HCl and Redbull. A deficiency in either will cause their genitals to explode in a shower of sparks and ticker-tape.
No Muslim may board the London Underground at Covent Garden on a Saturday.
Muslims actually do eat pork, but only when it sasses them unprovoked.
Muslim children subsist entirely on found art like teenage girl's diaries and audio tapes of some off key rap band called "MC Potatuh Phamine" from Idaho.
Although Muslims are required to pray to Mecca 11 times daily, they can condense these prayers into one super prayer by moving their arms up and down in a karate chop motion really fast.
Ever met a Muslim who didn't have a helicopter? I thought not.
All Muslims trim their lawns with scimitars because lawn mowers have had a fatwa called against them.
Allah prefers vinyl and condemns the CD to eternal fire for poor dynamic range.
A beard is not required for the male gender, though any man who does not grow an impressive pudding-catcher must then don a great big black tent with eyeholes and pretend to be female. There are no female Muslims.
Cons: Bad religion for bacon enthusiasts, cutting lawn with scimitar surprisingly more difficult than you would think, Redbull can be expensive.
Overview: Leading producers of the world's Hateorade, Jews have been reviled and despised by nearly every culture and civilization in the world. Even in the supposedly tolerant nation of Israel Jews are so hated that people will blow themselves up if it means taking a few Jews with them. What do all Jews have in common that makes them so hated? Judaism, or Jewry if you prefer brevity, was invented on the day that Jesus Christ was killed by the Romans. Drenched in blood and filled with a murderous anti-Christian thirst for violence, the Roman citizens who witnessed Christ's decapitation formed a cult known as Judaism. They worshipped many things, and their religion seemed to be one of peace, but deep down inside they all exulted at the triumph over Christianity.
No one likes Jews, but Jews definitely don't like them right back.
Fun Facts:Pros: Holocaust sympathy a really easy way to get laid at college, everyone thinks you know Krav Maga, Dreidels will make anyone's inner child giggle with delight.
Judaism is composed of three sects. There is "Reform" which celebrate the birth of Jesus every December 28th (because of the leap year). Then there are "Conservatives" who don't actually run the banking system or Hollywood but really just Denny's. Finally there is the "Orthodox" sect who has been relatively inactive since evolving into beings of pure energy.
The Jews are descended from Scott Bakula, star of Quantum Leap. He leaped back too far and spawned an entire race. This is why, every year, Jews celebrate Bak-Ulah by fellating Dean Stockwell and calling each other "Ziggy".
Jews attract mates by inflating their neck-sacks, much like tree frogs. However, instead of being brightly colored, these sacks simply state 'I AM A DOCTOR'.
The traditional Yarmulke conceals the Jew's self destruct mechanism.
On her wedding night, a Jewish girl is taught the secret of Jewish cooking - everything really does taste better if you add the blood of Christian babies!
If a Jew concentrates really hard on a spoon he can bend it into a 100 dollar bill.
In Leviticus 4:20 it says "And thus spake the Lord through his only son's head, and as he spake the head spun like a whirlwind, casting Christ's blood upon the watching Romans." The dreidel or "Christ Head" is a traditional Jewish toy made to commemorate the decapitation of Christ.
Scuba diving is believed to be a sin by Jews.
During the Holocaust so many Jews died that it caused a headache for Jedis around the world for several months.
Cons: You never know when there's going to be a pogrom, psychic echoes of the Holocaust may cause genetic birth defects, not everyone can be a master of usury.
Overview: Mormonism was developed in the late 19th century by wandering lunatic John Smith. Smith somehow convinced several hundred thousand other people that the shit he was hallucinating was actually real. Mormonism is also known as one of the great evangelical religions ever since the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints partnered with Cutco to sell high quality carbon-fiber knives and subscriptions to heaven in the same door to door visit.
FEED US BAUXITE!
Fun Facts:Pros: No more living in fear of drive by shootings in Salt Lake City, having eight wives can make every night like a porno, delicious Bauxite.
Mormons may have up to eight wives or two giant wives.
Mormons do not believe in birth control, but they do believe in birth polite suggestions. This is why Mormon women chant "no, thank you" and Mormon men repeatedly moan "hold ye semen" during intercourse.
Procreate by having water poured on them. They are not allowed to eat after midnight or else they are turned into mischievous evil Mormons who hate the sunlight.
Mormons have an inverted hipbone, much like birds.
Cannot drink coffee or smoke cigarettes, but can inject either directly into their carotid artery.
Live primarily in Utah thanks to Utah's large deposits of Bauxite.
Will not swab arm with alcohol before injecting heroin because alcohol is a sinful substance.
Are bulletproof up to a .357 Magnum because John Smith fell into a vat of radioactive waste and passes his super powers on to his followers.
Cons: Showers tend to result in lots of babies, several blown out veins due to repeated coffee injections, all eight wives hate each other and you.
Overview: Based around the study of Scient, Scientologists are similar to atheists in that they do not believe in a divine creator. Interestingly, they do believe in an arch-fiend who goes by the name of Xenu and was trapped in a volcano by hydrogen bombs. They also believe in a form of Original Sin similar to Catholicism but involving possession by incorporeal aliens. The entire religion was created by L. Ron Hubbard as a combination of joke and moneymaking scheme and has proven to be one of the most lucrative religions second only to Judaism.
The study of Scient is reaching all new highs thanks to Scientology.
Fun Facts:Pros: Cool beeping machines, they have a navy, the evil dude is still trapped in that volcano.
Every time a scientologist sneezes a robot upgrades its software to understand "love".
None of them know what the L. in L. Ron Hubbard stands for, and they join to find out. It stands for Linda.
At OTIV Scientologists finally learn the secret of the Pan Flute.
If an OTX or above becomes interested in the future they can scry to the year 2018, but only clearly see the new prime time lineup for Court TV.
A Scientologist is considered to be enlightened or "clear" when they are capable of completing an entire "Sweatin' to the Oldies" workout without actually sweating.
Are capable of reading the magnetic strips on credit cards with their teeth.
E-meters are used to reheat leftover burritos and detect sin.
If you join the Church of Scientology you get to spend three minutes in a special booth where you can stare at Tom Cruise completely naked on a rotating pedestal. Heterosexual men get a fully clothed Tom Cruise giving a thumbs up.
If you ever leave the Church John Travolta will hunt you down and eat every scrap of food in your kitchen.
Cons: Travolta hovers over you all the time asking for Kit-Kats, finding out "L" stands for "Linda" can be pretty anticlimactic after you've dumped 50 large on Scientology, eating babies not as fun as you thought it would be.
Thanks heavens that's over! I hope you have managed to learn as much from me as I learned from myself. If it weren't for people like me and the fine folks on the SA Forums stepping up and telling you what all of these religions are about you might go through life with a whole bunch of misconceptions. Now that we have set the record straight I would like to invite you to donate to the Church of Something Awful. We can't save your soul, but we can save a lot of money on our car insurance by switching to Geico.
They Should Call Them "Bored Games"
Guten tag or some such! Hello, it's Livestock, Photoshop Phriday's obnoxious narrator. I'm dropping by as usual to let you know that there is a brand new Phriday up and ready for readin'! This week marks the start of a two-part theme dedicated to board games. It's a really humdinger, as weirdoes say.
Hurry up, beanstalk! This is no time to dawdle like a ninny!