Your Guide to Internet Criticism
3. Criticism Control #3: This isn't Shakespeare!
I know, I know. Shakespeare sucks. That's not the point. Even if you disagree with me on this point (you're wrong), you'll soon agree that strategy number three is FTW (for the win).
The problem with critics is that they spend too much time reading books and engaging in activities which they foolishly believe are sophisticated (theater, social events, relationships with other humans, etc.). I've done the math, and the information transfer rate between a book and the human brain is much lower than, let's say, between the interactive fiction of Hideo Kojima and the human brain. The retarded out there may call Metal Gear Solid "just a video game," but in actuality, it is a masterpiece of storytelling in which the player is in control of major plot decisions such as leaning against walls and crawling. Can you decide when Peter Parker slings web in the novelization of Spider-Man 3? I think not. Truly, Metal Gear Solid is art. Just don't go telling this to that faggot, Roger Ebert.
Yes, despite his appearance and general demeanor, Roger Ebert is not one of us. He's King Dick of Dickhole Mountain. And, just like everyone else who criticizes any piece of entertainment, he wants the insidious language and pantaloons of William Shakespeare infecting all the entertainment in his life. Defeating these fools who want everything to be full of "thees," "thous," and dreaded symbolism is as easy as pointing out their absurd standards. Observe the following examples:
"Sure, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer has a silly plot, but were you expecting Shakespeare?"
"Maybe if you turned your brain off for once and quit overthinking everything, you'd actually enjoy the stellar works of Kevin Smith. Snoogans."
"It's not perfect, but Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is still a great movie for anyone out there with a soul who still knows how to have a good time. If you disagree with me, that's just because you are surrounded by so many dicks that many of them have found their way into your brain. YES RLY"
As you can see, the best kind of aggression is passive aggression. Simply showing these fools the error of their perfectionist attitudes will shut them up in a heartbeat, or perhaps... give them cancer? I can only assume Mr. Ebert is the victim of the hundreds of letters I sent him, each one cursed in its own elaborate and unique way with various hexes from around the globe. He'll think twice the next time he has a chance to give my beloved childhood favorite film North zero stars. Let's just hope for his sake that those chemotherapy machines don't come with built-in word processors.
4. Criticism Control #4: The Poochie Defense
"They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them."
Just as South Park has made it no longer necessary to pay attention to current events and politics, The Simpsons has made it no longer necessary to pay attention to critics. The Poochie Defense is one I use often; in fact, I always keep it copied to my clipboard in case I need to unleash some quick Ctrl+V pwnage. For those of you who are unaware of The Poochie Defense, it comes from an episode of The Simpsons titled, "The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show." In the episode, Bart runs into the symbolic entity of every whiny faggot on the Internet, completely pwning him with the fact that he is complaining about entertainment he watched for free. If these events happened in real life, Comic Book Guy would have killed himself on the spot after being overtaken by such raw, breathtaking pwnage. But those wonderful writers keep CBG alive, if only to shut up the unruly apes who dare complain about something they saw on broadcast television, yes, for free. Perhaps you have seen some of my Poochie Defense handiwork in many of the Heroes threads throughout the Internet? This is one of many reasons why I am no longer allowed to enter my local library.
The reason The Poochie Defense is so effective is that it doesn't even give people the right to criticize anything. As we are now in the Internet age, the assumption has to be made that all entertainment everywhere is being obtained illegally and for free. Personally, I've added another tower to my rig for the sole purpose of collecting the entirety of every show I enjoyed as a child through Bittorrent. Let's just say I'll be prepared just in case anyone out there is unlucky enough to disparage Foofur in my presence. And just as I am downloading the history of television in chronological order, starting with my birth, everyone else must be, too.
Note that this technique does not just have to be deployed over the Internet. If I had a girlfriend -- or even friends -- I would make sure to buy the tickets to every movie we saw just to ensure any complaints heard in the car on the way home related only to the breeders in the audience who chose to bring their screaming crotchlings to the theater that evening. Alas, I do not have the time or the patience for such social ties.
5. Criticism Control #5: Opinions are Like Assholes...
...Everyone has them, and they usually stink. Also, if you have an opinion, you, yourself are an asshole. I like to use number five on my list when I've spent hours -- or even days -- toying with my victims. It's especially fun to make them think they're making a little headway just before I unsheathe the following Excalibur from my Internet scabbard:
"You know what? I don't even care if you think that Ducktales jumped the shark when they introduced Gizmoduck. That's just your opinion."
It's a wonder that the The Raymond "Pillow Pants" Huffman Institute of Pwnage still has the need to exist now that the secret's out. All criticism is just that, opinions. Can anyone point me to an objective system of judgment? No, I didn't think so. It's about as real as that fabled "lost" season of Muppet Babies. So, why are there still people out there who enjoy criticizing things, now that we know all opinions have the same value of zero?
It's because they're mean.
Mean like my doctor, who told me that, in his opinion, "lack of excercise" and "a poor diet" (scoff) have given me the heart of a ninety year-old angioplasty patient. Mean like my mother, who told me that, in her opinion, I am going to end up dead in front of my "infernal masturbation machine." Can you now see how meaningless these opinions are?
Now, I must be off. This familiar dizzy feeling and numbness on the left side of my body can only mean one thing: someone, somewhere on the Internet is writing a scathing message board post about Captiol Critters. This is my Spidey-Sense, and with great power comes great responsibility.
Ur failures. Let me show you them.