I remain persona non grata at Whitebrook elementary following a little misunderstanding over a question I asked the kids about fundamentalist Islamic sects, so it may be a while longer before I get to bring you the comments from the children. With the primary voting in the not-too-distant-future I thought now might be a good time to rope in some average American voters to comment about the 2008 presidential election. I was surprised by the honesty and by the unusual opinions of these voters. I hope you enjoy their views.
|Who do you support in the US Presidential primary and why?|
Prayer Bus Volunteer
|"Oh, well, gosh. I never gave it a bunch of thought. Let me see. I like the man we have now a lot, but if I had to pick someone else I like that little one. The...I think he's a Republican, but he could be a Democrat. The one with the ears. He kind of laughs like a pony would laugh."|
|Sgt. J.J. Pillock|
|"Black Hussein Osama. In case you didn't get that, that was a little sarcasm for you. I support My President and the War on Terror 150%. George W. Bush 2008."|
|"Is that Villainsack guy still in there? Haha, that guy ruled. President Villainsack, your table is ready...hahaha. President Villainsack, please come to the courtesy desk, your burrito is waiting. Haha, anyway, I'm for Ron Paul."|
|"Gaia willing, Ralph Nader will decide to run again. None of these other corporate cronies and warmongers really do it for me. I have a specialty glass blowing business and I think Ralph Nader will look out for the small quasi-legal businessman."|
|"Right now it's between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. I love Mitt's hair, but Obama's smile makes my junk tingle. Mike Huckabee is kind of cute too, but I read he used to weigh like 300 pounds, so I bet when he takes his shirt off it looks like theater curtains."|
|"Hillary Clinton seems pretty go- did you put down 'Immigrant' as my job? Bro, I've got a Master's degree in mechanical engineering. I worked on the Segway. This is insulting."|
|What issues facing America are most important to you?|
Prayer Bus Volunteer
|"Oh, you know what, on that last question you asked I just realized I was thinking of somebody on American Idol. Haha, duh, Dawn! Anywho, the most important things to me are my babies, so if any of the candidates are against mini-Pins they definitely don't have the Catwand vote!"|
|Sgt. J.J. Pillock|
|"I hear a lot of talk from the defeatocrats about leaving Iraq, but plain and simple we have got to finish the job there. If we don't, all of the lives that have been sacrificed in Iraq will be for nothing, so we have to sacrifice some more men to get the job done. If need be we will sacrifice more every month and create a pile or pyramid on which those sacrifices can be performed. Eventually these sacrifices will appease the gods. I mean bring us victory."|
|"There's a strip club ordinance in Herringsville that says you can't go all nude if you serve liquor. I am a firm believer in liquor and full nudity mixing. So, I guess lame ass ordinances in Herringsville or Bathscomba are my issues. Like that one saying chicks can't nurse a baby while they're mowing a lawn. Effin' bullshit!"|
|"Three words: Internet bong sales. Legalize them and you've got my vote. I can't put food on the table for my kids with the number of walk-in customers I'm getting. The Internet bong market is huge and just waiting to be fully tapped."|
|"Not looking at Rudy Giuliani's rat-eyed Nosferatu face for the next four years is near the top of my agenda."|
|"Fountain drinks are not nearly big enough at gas stations. I think I would also like it if they made it so when a pregnant woman gets punched and her baby dies it's not murder."|
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.