Bjorn Ironbaum, Fantasy Therapist
Skooj and Helen Grumfist
Couples Session in Progress
"He's perfectly happy to subject me to the intricate details of his day," Helen brushes a lock of golden hair from her eyes. "All I'm asking for is some reciprocity. I spend all day taking care of the kids AND I work part time at Ye Olde Dragonne Felcher and he treats me like that's not working."
It's a fair enough request. I turn to Skooj. He is staring at the painting of a bear that hangs behind me, seemingly oblivious to the conversation.
"Do you acknowledge what you wife is saying, Skooj?" I press to get his attention. "She's telling you that she attends to your needs, but she feels ignored."
"Wot?" Skooj grunts. "Da oomie git iz narkin alluva time. She look after da grotz, me and da boyz go out and getz da gubbinz. Shez well appy when at appenz."
"Did you just call Nathan and Alicia 'grotz!?'" Helen seethes, but I can sense an old argument here.
"Oomies not da boss!" Skooj roars. "Iz da boss cuz iz da biggest. Deyz ugly even for grotz. Not the right green."
"You see?" Helen turns to me and throws her hands up with exasperation. "Every day. He heaps abuse on me."
"Abyooz!? You know when dat iz onna menu. Even wiv dem oomie earz you gots you'll ear da 'waaagh!' with plenty of time to get ready for da bashin'!"
I can see we aren't getting anywhere and I decide to change tactics before things get out of hand.
"What about you, Skooj? What complaints do you have in the relationship?"
He glares at me and grumbles, his oversize jaw and tusks working from side to side.
"Do you have anything you would like to ask me?"
"Oy," he sits up and his chain mail rattles. "I gotta question for da Dok."
"That's what I'm here for," I try to give him my friendliest smile.
Skooj stabs a thick finger over my shoulder.
"Ow much dakka did it take yous to get dat bear all little and flat on da wall?"