15 Helpful Tips for Avoiding the Homosexual Plague
Dear friends and supporters,
A menace lurks on every corner, greater even than the scourge of Black History Month foisted upon us by professional victimologists like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Of course, I speak of Deserved Gay Wasting Disease (DGWD), now classified by the federal government as "AIDS." The curse of promiscuity no longer haunts the bath houses and sodomy cabins of yore. Thanks to the iron grip of Big Brother, The Infected cannot be barred from entering schools, Churches or even curio shops (yes, the homosexuals have tainted the once noble art of antiquing). But there's no need to hide in your gun shelter (please see Vol. III, No. IV "The Last Resort") until the upcoming gay/race war makes our streets inhabitable once again. Like any rabid animal, the infected homosexual can be dealt with safely and from a distance by applying the following advice to your own life:
- Be prepared: keep a finger bowl filled to the brim with bleach in your home or office. Once you've safely dissolved the nerves, finger skin builds a strong resistance to chemical burns. And guests will appreciate the overpowering odor of safety that emanates from your person. Think of their constant gagging as a series of tiny "thank yous!"
- Be extra prepared: when red-ribbon-wearing criminals violate the boundaries of your personal property, a small dose of ammonia can be added to the cleansing bowl for a quick burst of "escape gas."
- Trapped on public transit with no way to safeguard yourself? Simply chant, "AIDS, AIDS, go away, go infect someone that's gay." While it is unclear if this incantation "spooks" the AIDS virus into submission, repeating this phrase over and over will almost certainly give you an entire subway car to yourself.
- Due to gross irresponsibility and the warping powers of urban youth music, AIDS has ravaged the African-American community. If you find yourself in contact with an infected representative of this demographic, flee -- FLEE -- back to your home and re-read Vol. V, No. III "Colorblind: A Black-Free Lifestyle."
- Bathroom Tip #1: If a restaurant cannot verify the AIDS content of their bathroom, it is YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to defecate in a cloth napkin and hand it to your server. If a cloth napkin is unavailable, inquire about a complimentary bread bowl.
- Bathroom Tip #2: Do not do this at the Denny's near Decatur, Illinois.
- Bathroom Tip #3: Re: Tip #1: A typical champagne flute is in no way equipped to handle the contents of an adult man's bladder. Please keep this in mind before your next fundraising dinner.
- Bathroom Tip #4: Beware the trough urinal, otherwise known as the "Stadium Homosexual Trap." It may seem innocent, but so many exposed penises at once can only be a front for gay Hollywood-style orgies.
- Beware the gay handshake: if the man gripping your hand does not offer a satisfactory level of firmness or steadiness, immediately remove your shirt and challenge him to an arm-wrestling match. If confused onlookers do not realize the man running from you is an outed homosexual, immediately shout, "Can you BELIEVE this faggot!?"
- Sharing a soda can with an infected homosexual will not give you AIDS, but it may make people think you are friends with an infected homosexual, which is worse.
- Despite his masculine, gravelly voice and excessive body hair, Harvey Fierstein is a confirmed Jew and Homosexual. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HIS DINNER PARTY INVITATIONS.
- If an important gay business contact attempts to hug you, toss business cards at him like Japanese shuriken. This is a "politically correct" way to avoid contamination without attracting the attention of government-imposed HR departments.
- Alert: the rainbow has been co-opted by the gay element and may attract unwanted "attention" or force you to burn thousands of dollars of newly purchased stationary.
- Thanks to the mainstream media encouraging openly homosexual lifestyles, it's entirely possible to suddenly find yourself as the grand marshal of a gay pride parade. Try to lead the trailing cars, floats and people into the nearest fire or gaping chasm before you are made "it" in the ongoing game of "sodomy tag."
- Cat ownership: a quicker path to AIDS than sleeping with Rock Hudson on a bed covered with infected needles and Klaus Nomi's sheets.
Next month: a shocking expose on "Doctor" Martin Luther King Jr.'s complete inability to practice medicine. Did King's rampant womanizing and drug use cause this supposed "civil rights" hero to completely forget his years of so-called training? Continue donating to find out!