The Last

Shot and killed two gas station employees during a robbery.

Three baked potatoes with sour cream and bacon. A large bowl of Jello. Two large Pizza Hut pizzas. One pouch of Planters Spicy Canine Scabs. Two whole ponies. A golden crown. Thirteen damp socks worn by handsome children. A teepee. A photograph of the President.

"Yeah, I got something to say. I figured it all out. God came down to me last night and told me the meaning of life. He told me that before I die it was my one last duty to share this secret with you. Sucks to be the world! Throw the switch, you nerds!"

Threw a white baby into a chipper/shredder.

24 barbecued ribs with beans and mashed potatoes. A tureen filled with melted beeswax. A two-headed rattlesnake (deep fried). Four pounds of bicycle spokes. 900 cans of Diet Coke. A barrister's wig. A hamburger made to resemble a rocket. A human finger.

"I wish I had more than one life to give for throwing a baby into a chipper/shredder. That's it, I'm ready. He had it coming."

Caught siphoning gas from a mail truck (Texas).

A salad. 30 acorns.

"I asked for a pizza and it took too long to get here. Don't order from Papa Johns if you're in a hurry."

Drove a snow plow through a grade school while high on paint fumes. Killed 11.

Ten steak tacos with sour cream and habanera sauce. Three burritos. Four enchiladas. A stereotype sampler platter. A large horchata in a cup designed to look like a wicked gargoyle. A paper bag full of paint fumes.

"I would like to apologize to the families I hurt. I know my death can never replace your loved ones but I hope it helps to heal the wounds I have caused. I beg to God for forgiveness and I pray that those who put me to death now will also be forgiven. Most importantly, to all white people listening: do not interbreed and do not be afraid to stand up for your white heritage. Mi familia blanca! White power!"

Youth pastor who raped and murdered seven children.

A cat skeleton soaked in benzene. Calf's heart suspended in jellied Trichlorofluoromethane. The teeth of a witch served in a broth of 2-Ethyl-4-methyl-1-hexene. A burnt hammock lacquered in Malonyl-coenzyme A.

"The Commonwealth of Virginia is about to really regret delaying its switch from the electric chair to lethal injection."

Caught smoking in a restaurant's bar (California).

Declined last meal request. Was served prison menu of rolled oat pudding, hickory smoked sawdust, salt peter tablets, mulled roach legs, mystery can in botulism consumme, and well water with large amoeba.

"I see how it is. Y'all just jealous. Well, go ahead then, I got places to be."

Killed four in a staring contest gone wrong.

A one gallon bucket of white rice. A fried comb. Five live baby sparrows. 100 pairs of edible undies. Hair from the drain of a truck stop shower. A charcoal sketch of Foghorn Leghorn.

"'Kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy!' Harry Connick Junior. Independence Day."

Did not wait for the marine ahead of her to exit the teleporter and gibbed him instantly.

An autographed Babe Ruth homerun baseball. A $1,000,000 bill. The gem-encrusted sarcophagus of Manamanamen IV. The nuclear football. A rubber glove full of mayonnaise and antimatter. The last white tiger. The only manuscript of James Joyce's unpublished novel, "Bio Force Ape".

"They still hang people? What kind of wild west bullshit is this?! Giddyap, you buttholes!"

Spree-killed five magicians and two assistants.

A pro-painted squad of Khorne Berserkers from a Golden Daemon winner. A mirror. Three ounces of mercury. A forged letter of pardon from the governor. 16 fortune cookies and their unread fortunes. Five cups of boiling water and one tea bag. A gallon of milk. 40 five-pound sandbags. An heirloom ivory comb.

"You can't meow meow kill meow I'm already meow meow dead."