This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
For over 30 years, I have conducted business with millions of fur trappers and shippers, and personally played a part in the extinction of 12 great North American species, including the mighty Selbeechua of Alaska. In this time I have heard the cries of hundreds of thousands of fur trappers and shippers. Trappers and shippers, know you this: I have cradled you close to my bosom, I have listened to your soft sighs and I have taken your earnest words to heart.
I have gotten my hands wet with the innards of a fresh kill, and felt its still warm breath slither upon my skin. I have been doing this for over 50 years. From the moment I traded the comfort of my mother's womb for the soil beneath us, I have sought only one thing: FUR. I quickly moved from skinning family furniture to family dogs and cats. Soon after I was trapping wild game, from hardy badgers to quick-witted ringtail cats, delighting in the thrill of the craft.
I have worked hard all my life, and will continue to work hard until the day the Lord God takes me from this Earth, capturing my ethereal pelt in one of his Divine Traps. I will die knowing that I have worked tirelessly to satisfy many. I will die knowing that I leave behind untold legions of grateful customers, a successful company, a manly boy and a fur-clad wife. I will die knowing that I fulfilled my dream of trepanning a mermaid.
I hunt using the very same products that I retail and endorse. While nestled in the thick brush, it is a size 150 Newhouse I spy, waiting invitingly for a wild bear. The beast cannot resist the allure and the trap snaps hard and fast! In spite of valiant efforts to escape, the webbed jaws of the trap prevented the creature from gnawing its way out. Soon I am peeling his skin off and claiming it as my own, as you will surely do with your own kills.
You can purchase any of a wide assortment of quality traps and trapping aids, including the ones I used to conquer the bear, from the pages of this very tome. Customers, know you this as well: I ensnared my wife, the recipient of my most precious seed, using a size 14 Oneida Jump Trap, available from the Fouke Fur Co. for a price that pays you the highest degree of respect.
Myth though many say, I believe the legendary Unicorn to be real. I will offer any trapper the tidy sum of $400.00 for the pristine pelt of an authentic Unicorn. My esteemed grader, R. J. Heckwolf will evaluate the pelt and, should he determine it authentic, award you this monetary token of my appreciation. Deny the Unicorn if you must, but the most prodigious of individuals will no doubt answer my call. To them I say: GOOD TRAPPING!
I have always listened to every word every customer has ever spoken to me. When the customer has spoken softly, I have asked them to speak louder so that I may hear them better. When the customer is mute, I ask them to write down their concerns. When the customer is not learned, I personally educate them until such a time that they can communicate properly. I do this because I would not be the man I am today if I did not listen to my customers. I have personally educated over 10,000 men.
Every action I have taken has been to serve my customers. Every profit I have made I share with the loyal men who have made me successful. Every ounce of energy I have spent in my business life has been to make better the lives of those who have given me my success. I would sooner be killed by the very beasts I wear than to fail YOU, my treasured customer.
I have known from between five to twenty years each man and woman in my service. I have learned their mannerisms, their strengths, and the degrees to which they love fur. I have challenged them to love fur more, and they have met my challenge. They believe steadfast in the ideals of the Fouke Fur Co. If they did not, they would not be in my employ and the same beasts that they trap would have undoubtedly come out victorious. You can count on the men and women in my service. They are dedicated with their lives to giving YOU the best deals in the industry.
You have my personal guarantee that the goods we sell are priced as low as is economically feasible. A cent less, and our children would surely starve. You have my pledge that I will buy your quality furs at above market prices. Ours is a business of pristine furs. We gain nothing from tattered and shredded hides. Do you imagine that the discerning lady would wish to drape herself in the fur of a beast that died in bloody combat? Nay, she would choose, as all discerning ladies choose, to drape herself in the pristine fur of a cleanly killed beast. Good trappers and shippers know this, and we honor their skill and expertise by paying them at prices no other institution in this mortal plane could ever hope to match. Should you find one, I will personally slit my throat on your behalf.
And here's my name to say so.
President and Gen. Mgr.
Fouke Fur Co.
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.