From dust we come and to dust we return, some of us sooner than others. For those with an express ticket courtesy of the government, there is (almost) always a notable last meal and a few last words.

Those of you from countries where the death penalty has been abolished might be confused. Just try to remember that here in the United States we still follow the Way of the immortal Necromonger. We keep what we kill.

Henry Allen Murray (1939 - 2003)


Shot and killed two gas station employees during a robbery.

Three baked potatoes with sour cream and bacon. A large bowl of Jello. Two large Pizza Hut pizzas. One pouch of Planters Spicy Canine Scabs. Two whole ponies. A golden crown. Thirteen damp socks worn by handsome children. A teepee. A photograph of the President.

"Yeah, I got something to say. I figured it all out. God came down to me last night and told me the meaning of life. He told me that before I die it was my one last duty to share this secret with you. Sucks to be the world! Throw the switch, you nerds!"

Spencer Wayne Forrest (1948 - 2002)


Threw a white baby into a chipper/shredder.

24 barbecued ribs with beans and mashed potatoes. A tureen filled with melted beeswax. A two-headed rattlesnake (deep fried). Four pounds of bicycle spokes. 900 cans of Diet Coke. A barrister's wig. A hamburger made to resemble a rocket. A human finger.

"I wish I had more than one life to give for throwing a baby into a chipper/shredder. That's it, I'm ready. He had it coming."

Hewlit Packert (1967 - 2004)


Caught siphoning gas from a mail truck (Texas).

A salad. 30 acorns.

"I asked for a pizza and it took too long to get here. Don't order from Papa Johns if you're in a hurry."

Migel Eric Estrada (1974 - 2005)


Drove a snow plow through a grade school while high on paint fumes. Killed 11.

Ten steak tacos with sour cream and habanera sauce. Three burritos. Four enchiladas. A stereotype sampler platter. A large horchata in a cup designed to look like a wicked gargoyle. A paper bag full of paint fumes.

"I would like to apologize to the families I hurt. I know my death can never replace your loved ones but I hope it helps to heal the wounds I have caused. I beg to God for forgiveness and I pray that those who put me to death now will also be forgiven. Most importantly, to all white people listening: do not interbreed and do not be afraid to stand up for your white heritage. Mi familia blanca! White power!"

Perry Finch (1963 - 2006)


Youth pastor who raped and murdered seven children.

A cat skeleton soaked in benzene. Calf's heart suspended in jellied Trichlorofluoromethane. The teeth of a witch served in a broth of 2-Ethyl-4-methyl-1-hexene. A burnt hammock lacquered in Malonyl-coenzyme A.

"The Commonwealth of Virginia is about to really regret delaying its switch from the electric chair to lethal injection."

Philo Warrick (1979 - 2004)


Caught smoking in a restaurant's bar (California).

Declined last meal request. Was served prison menu of rolled oat pudding, hickory smoked sawdust, salt peter tablets, mulled roach legs, mystery can in botulism consumme, and well water with large amoeba.

"I see how it is. Y'all just jealous. Well, go ahead then, I got places to be."

Horatio Hartwell Zapruder (1966 - 2004)


Killed four in a staring contest gone wrong.

A one gallon bucket of white rice. A fried comb. Five live baby sparrows. 100 pairs of edible undies. Hair from the drain of a truck stop shower. A charcoal sketch of Foghorn Leghorn.

"'Kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy!' Harry Connick Junior. Independence Day."

Maureen Piggins (1974 - 2002)


Did not wait for the marine ahead of her to exit the teleporter and gibbed him instantly.

An autographed Babe Ruth homerun baseball. A $1,000,000 bill. The gem-encrusted sarcophagus of Manamanamen IV. The nuclear football. A rubber glove full of mayonnaise and antimatter. The last white tiger. The only manuscript of James Joyce's unpublished novel, "Bio Force Ape".

"They still hang people? What kind of wild west bullshit is this?! Giddyap, you buttholes!"

Klevin Osnaughy (1982 - 2001)


Spree-killed five magicians and two assistants.

A pro-painted squad of Khorne Berserkers from a Golden Daemon winner. A mirror. Three ounces of mercury. A forged letter of pardon from the governor. 16 fortune cookies and their unread fortunes. Five cups of boiling water and one tea bag. A gallon of milk. 40 five-pound sandbags. An heirloom ivory comb.

"You can't meow meow kill meow I'm already meow meow dead."

It is your right as a foreign heathen to frown upon the practice of state-sanctioned execution from the comfort of your communist utopia. I can almost understand it, what with your kangaroo courts and lack of a US Constitution, but here in the United States we continue to hold executions because we only execute those who are 100% guilty. Mistakes are not made in our criminal justice system.

Lowtax Loves Trolls

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka has joined forces with Mystery Science Theater 3000's Mike Nelson for the latest installment of Mike's Rifftrax. The Rifftrax concept is to create an easily-downloaded MST3K-style audio track for the movies you love to hate. This time around the movie is "Troll 2" and Mike and Rich "Nilbog" Kyanka have teamed up to bring us the greatest thing that ever sucked.

"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production? Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!"

Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax.

Go to the Rifftrax site, buy the very reasonably-priced Rifftrax audio download and rent or buy a copy of "Troll 2". Play the audio with the video and enjoy one of the worst movies ever made!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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