MLB 2K7 Patch Notes For April 2

Hello again, sports fans! Pregame Wrapup is back after yet another hiatus! It was hard being away from you readers - at one point Lowtax asked us how we had five different grandparents die over the course of few months - but our wily charms held the boss at bay. In honor of a fresh MLB season we've been given an exclusive look at upcoming patch notes for MLB 2K7. Unlike those fake things CTS and Abraham do, they're 100% real. We promise. Get ready to learn about videogame baseball, because Pregame Wrapup is here!

Arizona Diamondbacks

• Team bio no longer lists Steve Nash as franchise player.
• Texture count in Randy Johnson's face increased by 40 percent.

Atlanta Braves

• Removed "free sterilization with purchase of 32 oz. Mountain Dew" banner from outfield wall.
• Players no longer have to go out and turn the antenna to get better reception on the Jumbotron.
• Fixed glitch that caused pitcher to hit Chipper Jones in the face no matter where the reticule was aimed.

Baltimore Orioles

• Properly filled out "30^th team (???) - LOOK INTO THIS" box on team select screen.
  
• Announcers no longer say "what's Steve McNair's spine doing on the field" during broken bat sequences.

Boston Red Sox

• Hideki Okajima no longer appears on the mound in a puff of pink smoke and cherry blossom petals, and a gong noise no longer plays when he gives up a home run.
• "Big Head" cheat no longer turns all players into Manny Ramirez.
• Fixed glitch that allowed Willie Mo Pena to hit right-handed pitches.
  
• Sox vs. Yankees games no longer cause announcer to say "and now, the game ESPN won't shut the fuck up about..."

Chicago Cubs

• Removed Jumbotron cartoon of a fat white man dumping a sack full of money into a toilet.
• Reduced probability of all starters suffering season-ending injuries on opening day to 98 percent.
• New stat column allows players in franchise mode to see exactly how much each Alfonso Soriano strikeout cost them.

Chicago White Sox

• Tutorial mode narrator no longer claims fast runners are "quicker than an Ozzie Guillen backpedal."

Cincinnati Reds

• Fixed processing glitch that caused lockups when Ken Griffey Jr. made a hit during an important game.
• Light bloom effects muted to ensure Brandon Phillps' teeth do not white out the whole screen.
• Josh Hamilton no longer stops to snort line chalk on the way back to the dugout.
• Hecklers no longer shout "you goin' catch a shank, nigga" at white people on opposing teams.
• Bronson Arroyo no longer becomes visibly aroused at the mention of his own name.

Cleveland Indians

• "Summon Spirit Buffalo" spell now only castable when rally-cap is enabled
• Trot Nixon's walk back to the dugout after hitting into a double play no longer referred to as "the trail of tears."
• New sarcasm slider allows players to avoid announcer saying "A mediocre Ohio team promising they'll get to the playoffs this year? You don't say."

Colorado Rockies

• Manager no longer screams "what will we do when Todd Helton retires" in between violent sobs.
• Pressing up after hitting a home run causes now causes the ghost of John Elway to pop up and shout "Toasty!"

Detroit Tigers

• Special wrist strap ensures players do not throw controller at television when announcer refers to a fastball as a "Kenny Rogers roaster."
• State bio no longer says "Canada took a shit here."
• Players allowed to distribute malt liquor and rent vouchers to crowd as a special promotion in Franchise Mode.
• Added "AND ALBERT PUJOLS" to graffiti on side of stadium saying "Fuck the auto industry."