It's official: Allen Iverson is gone. While we don't necessarily agree with the final result (trading Iverson to a team that already has Carmelo Anthony for draft picks is about as self-defeating as a fat girl at model camp), we're glad AI got out of Philly. Not because we care about him or how unhappy he was in the city, mind you, but because we can make fun of it.

This week we're whipping out the SAGM trade checker to see what would happen if the Denver deal fell through and Billy King was forced to take... other routes to get his superstar off the roster. After that we have the final round of regular-season football predictions, and then the triumphant return of our Crybaby Bitch of the Week feature. Drop your socks and grab your cocks, a new Pregame Wrapup is here for all three of you readers to enjoy!


Philadelphia Trade Breakdown
Outgoing

Allen Iverson
6-0 G from Georgetown
31.2 ppg, 2.7 rpg, and 7.3 apg in 42.7 minutes

Chris Webber
6-10 F from Michigan
11.5 ppg, 8.7 rpg, and 3.4 apg in 31.5 minutes
Incoming
Sack of Christmas Potatoes
2-0 S from King Larry's Royal Grocery
70 calories per game (120 if mashed with butter) in 6 minutes
Change in team outlook: +70 cpg,-42.7ppg,-11.4rpg, and-10.7apg



Trade Analysis
Notes: When your aging superstar is losing value faster than an '89 Thunderbird in Indiana, you have to take what you can get. King Larry's Royal Groceries might not be able to offer draft picks or cash incentives, but the Sixers could come away from the trade with a solid side for any red meat-based dish the team ate.
Possible Caveats: Iverson and Webber would undoubtedly provide the store with a needed one-two punch, but could a locally owned shop-and-save shoulder the combined $40 million in salaries? Is their employee health insurance hearty enough to support Webber, who is expected to need microfracture surgery on every bone in his body in the next few years?
Policies: While the number of nutrients in Bag of Christmas Potatoes seems to stall the deal in the face of the NBA's collective nutrition agreement, the sheer amount of starch in Webber's kneecaps should even the deal out sufficiently.



Philadelphia Trade Breakdown
Outgoing

Allen Iverson
6-0 G from Georgetown
31.2 ppg, 2.7 rpg, and 7.3 apg in 42.7 minutes
Incoming
A Bunch of ESPN Commentators
6-1 Cs from Lakeland Community College and Flea Market
20.9 "practice" jokes per game in 48 minutes (of actual work a week)
Change in team outlook: +20.9 pjpg,-31.2ppg,-2.7rpg, and-7.3apg



Trade Analysis
Notes: A locker room needs levity. By bringing in a number of hip, white, glib twenty-year-olds with associate's degrees in communications, the Sixers would suddenly have a wealth of something they once lacked: "practice" jokes.
Possible Caveats: Iverson, who hasn't constructed a sentence without saying the word "nigga" in over 20 years, might prove too colorful for the clean-cut ESPN crew. The network might find it impossible to convince the headstrong guard to mute himself to Charles Barkley-like "Edgy Uncle Tom" levels. In addition, could crabbier members of the Sixers locker room handle hearing the phrase "I heard that guy sure didn't like coming to PRACTICE" without resorting to violence? Even the cleanest-cut player is a bad shot percentage and concealed handgun away from becoming the next Stephen Jackson.
Policies: Iverson, who often hides a jewel in his belly button and has young fans rub his hair and make a wish, might be at odds with an ESPN mandate barring treasure trolls from their properties. This could cause trouble, especially given Iverson's penchant for untying his cornrows and dying his hair rainbow colors.



Philadelphia Trade Breakdown
Outgoing

Samuel Dalembert
6-11 C from Seton Hall
9 ppg, 7.6 rpg, and 0.4 apg in 27.4 minutes
Incoming
French Stewart
5-11 A from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts
9.3 comical misunderstandings in 18.2 minutes per game
Change in team outlook: +9.3 cmpg,-9ppg,-7.6rpg, and-0.4apg



Trade Analysis
Notes: Basketball IQ or real IQ? Shipping Stewart off to Philadelphia without a handgun or spot of dark pigment on his body may seem like a mistake on its face until you realize one crucial fact: Even in character, Stewart is probably smarter than Dalembert. In that sense, it would be a win-win situation. Philadelphia would get someone who doesn't cower at the sight of a basketball for fear the sun is trying to kill him, and NBC would move into the 21st century by hiring someone who is neither "white" nor "perky".
Possible Caveats: Stewart's knack for comical misunderstandings is both powerful and uncontrollable. Sure, he might mistake a light socket for a frowny man in the wall or Carmelo Anthony for a mumbly man under David Stern's desk, but what happens when he mistakes Chris Webber for someone with talent? What happens when, for whatever reason, he starts passing Webber the ball with less than two minutes left in the game? We've seen Webber in the clutch. We know he can miss free throws so badly he hits himself in the face with the ball. Philly fans might think 8-15 is a bad start, but it could be much worse.
Policies: Unlike his character on Third Rock from the Sun, Stewart is actually temperamental and prone to tantrums in real life. He may be able to escape technical fouls, however, by shouting "incoming message from the big giant head" before flinging his headband off and suckerpunching a photographer for "giving a nigga that muggin' eye".

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