Foton: The Ultimate Game on Planet Earth
Enemies: I like to think of the tunnels in Foton as the cavernous maws of those blessed developers. When the shapeless shards of wasted effort that constitute "enemies" fly out from their depths, I can imagine that these are the paint chips the Foton team feasted upon to make this game sound like a good idea. The sprites are tiny, just like your bullets, but move at great speeds. Good thing you have a huge amount of health -- oh wait, no it isn't!
Occasionally I would run into little robot-things that ran at me from either side. they don't look threatening until you realize you can't shoot from the side, and you can't get in front of them, either. I don't know why they bothered to put these things in the game -of course it could've been the same robot, as Foton is such that you never know where the hell you are.
Fun: "But Raptor Red!" you exclaim, so alarmed that you are unaware I cannot hear you through the Internet, "of course you never know where you are! It's a maze!" Oh yeah? Well I ask, Who in their right fucking mind -or even in Japan- wouild make a game where the entire point is mazes? It's undisputed fact that mazes are the antithesis of fun, which you casuals would know if you'd ever actually experienced one. Pac-man and Portal make it all sound good, but have you ever been in one of those corn mazes? Yeah, those seem really awesome until you realize the whole "adventure" consists of you becoming better aquainted with a Boston Market side dish for six hours and not knowing how the hell to find a bathroom, your car, or your dignity.
What? You say I can't really accuse Foton of being bad, as I haven't gotten the full experience? Hey, you know what else I haven't gotten the full experience of? Cancer.
Defining moment: I went into this game foolishly believing I was intended to navigate this maze. The defining moment was the instant I became aware that the tunnels -although nearly identical in every aspect- are fucking infinite. No matter how many thankless corridors of shit I plowed through, there are always five times as many waiting to take their place, each as miserable and unimaginative as the last.
It's a pretty good analogy for the ROM Pit, actually. One of these days I'm going to review a game -maybe Super Ocular Herpes Adventure 64-, and a hand will pop out of the screen holding a lovely bouquet of crimson roses cloaked in babies' breath, plus an elegant crystalline trophy that's inscribed CONGRATULATIONS THERE ARE NO MORE BAD VIDEO GAMES LEFT IN THE WORLD GOOD JOB YOU PLAYED THEM ALL.
If I'm lucky, it will also have a Spaceman gun.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst) Also thanks to my friend and fellow Something Awful Forums Goon RedChocobo for including me on his magical covered wagon journey. Sorry to hear about the bear bite.