The Three Stooges
At a Glance: What do you do to financially capitalize on a long dead comic trio? Why you condemn their poor souls to an eternity of shame and further grave spinning by making a game based around them! This title by Beam Software (makers of Bad Street Brawler) is a conglomerate of a board game and a puzzle game, only without any strategy or logic that either may require. Now before we go any further, I'd like to mention that I actually owned this game during my crazy elementary school days. I also had a tendency to wet myself in public situations. Coincidence? Damn you, Beam Software!
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Download ROM here - 16k
Game Plot: We find our heroes Larry, Moe, and Curly (Shemp and Joe have been spared from pixilated rape) as they stumble across Ma's Orphanage. "Ma" is in financial trouble with the low down snake of a bank man "I. Fleecem." At this point, the game still holds a great amount of potential. Will Larry whip out his .38 Special and bust a cap in Fleecem's skull? Will wacky antics ensue?
"Ha ha ha, fool!" shouts Shabba-Du, god of shit games. "Think again!"
You have to get a job to earn money to save the orphanage within 30 days. In other words, disappointing antics ensue. You're given a board with five panels. A hand (I'm guessing Moe's) pops around the panels until you hit "B". Each panel has a picture of your fate, which may entail a getting your finger snapped in a mousetrap, getting beaten in an alley, or worst of all, finding work.
Weapons: Why, in this game you're armed solely with your wits and mental fortitude! And you're also the three people who've made an empire off of being absolute morons! Use your weapons carefully to pick the jobs and not the mousetraps; if you land on five mousetraps, the game is over and the stooges return to the relief of their worm eaten coffins. Shabba-Du will not allow such! Here are the jobs that you can pick from:
- Waiters. I'd like to give a strategic run-through of this job. First, observe that there are two sides to the pie fight which you find yourself immediately involved in. You're on the right. After the brilliant dialogue is completed, bang on the controller buttons like a chimp. It doesn't matter in what order or sequence. Just do this until it's over. For your own sake.
- Doctors. In this job, Dracula, lord of the vampires, has returned to Earth. Run around on a stretcher and gather red crosses for the impending holy war. The red crosses are spewed from the rectal cavity of the doctor directly in front of you. Chase his ass and save us all!
- Boxing. Why fight in a boxing match when you can run to the radio store? For some inexplicable reason, the subliminal messages in "Pop Goes the Weasel" make Curley a better fighter, in addition to causing mass suicides.
- Crackers. Eat crackers before the oysters do! My genitals fell off! Shabba-Du's smite is foul.
- Trivia. Who was the brother of the mailman of the father of the director of the Stooges' 18th short? Hoigel Von Koigenoogerskly! This job is very educational! For example, I learned that alcohol is the answer to life's problems!
If you do well in these jobs, you'll be rewarded with a big fat check and a heroic fanfare! God bless American capitalism!
Enemies: This not being a conventional or "fun" game, the enemies are kinda hard to explain. There really aren't any fighting parts unless you count that when you land on the panel with Curley getting jabbed in the eyes, you are sent to the middle on an alley. Here, Moe has to use his Stooge-Fu on Larry and Curley before they hit him. If you can hit the two enough, the speed at which your hands pops around the panels will slow down. Keen!
Number of Levels: There are no levels, but rather thirty days in which you must obtain $5000. And just like in real life, you can only do one thing in one day.
Number of Bosses: The ending is a real treat, because Fleecem emerges from Hell with his minions and you fight him off with your Staff of Holy Thunderbolt. After that, you pull the stone from his head and then absorb his evil essence. Oh wait. My bad. There are no bosses.
Defining Moment: This game features sound clips from the stooges movies, which is a treat for about five seconds. I've won the game many a time, and when the orphanage is saved, Ma complains that $5000 isn't enough to repair the building. See if I do you another favor, you whiny whore! I read the player's manual and I found that if you can earn $10,000 you can repair the orphanage, and if you earn $15,000 the Stooges get to marry Ma's daughters. Sex slave trade is fun! I wish this game was!
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).