State Og Update: 12.18.04
Welcome to another edition of State Og, voted the #1 resource on the internet for fraudulent voting practices three years in a row! Special thanks this week go to: Don "Motorcycle" Jolly, Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott, and Chris "Bimston" Robison.
We at the head office recognize that this can be a stressful time of year. But stress is no excuse for spreading malicious rumors that hurt not only the productivity of the employee they target, but the overall effectiveness of the entire staff.
I speak, of course, about the slanderous statements that have been circulating around our new Senior Manager, Ikor of the Thousand Mouths. I won't point fingers as to the source of these hurtful rumors, but I would like to say that they are totally false, and do nothing but betray the ignorance their originators have about Ikor and his people.
Ikor does not, as the rumors persist, devour those who work under him and slowly dissolve their bodies within his writhing mass over the course many millennia. The disappearance of his secretary and personal assistant were not due to devouring, but rather new job opportunities opening for each in different planes of existence.
These rumors have caused Ikor of the Thousand Mouths many hours distress and emotional turmoil. It's just sad that his first few years back in the prime material plane after countless eons of sightless exile beyond the veil of ash have been tainted by small-minded bigots and their narrow worldviews.
I expect the rumors the stop expediently, and I would like to personally request that Chad from accounting stop being such a big baby about the "severed leg" thing and make up with Ikor.
If we behave maturely, future problems will be avoided.
- Your Human Resources Team
We at State Og would like to pose to you the following question: what is the first action taken after two cultures meet for the first time (other than genocide)? That's right, trade! The exchange of goods and ideas is the first step toward better understanding between two peoples.
Or species, as the case may be. Realizing this, State Og set up the Department of Trans-Species Marketing two years ago. Comprised of scientists, advertising experts, and a colony of hyper-intelligent ants originally developed by our bio-weapons division, the DTSM has worked ceaselessly to develop a product targeted at members of a species other than boring old Homo Sapiens.
We are pleased to announce that they have succeeded. For the first time in recorded history, two different species have come together in the glorious tradition of commercialism. Here, straight from the ants' mandibles, is the first ever advertisement directed at a non-human.
Attention forager worker single units!
In a state of anxiety frustration do you find yourself from inability to procure food units continually for colony organism? Do scent trails of foodunit-identify-locationverify you not lay upon soil? Cease anxiety frustration state immediately! With great motion of antennae and dispersal of scent signals do we bring to you item of solution!
Bear individual and colony organism witness to single unit enhancement inorganic unit designate [OPTI-AID]. Enhancement [OPTI-AID] applied to main vision areas creates state of increased visual acuity tenfold. Food units spotted effortlessly will be when enhancement [OPTI-AID] applied is. Additionally, forager worker single unit consumers spotted as effortlessly shall be, causing prolonging of expected life period and postponement of terminus, leading to productivity increase as surplus food units are collected.
Questioning arising in single minds of single units. Question as follows: what is cost of enhancement [OPTI-AID]? Rest assured, cost is no concern of forager worker single unit minds. Only queenmother single unit may contemplate exchange of material goods for enhancement [OPTI-AID]. Enhancement [OPTI-AID] shall be procured. Enhancement [OPTI-AID] applied to forager worker single units shall be. Forager worker single units make use of [OPTI-AID] in procurement of food units.
Identify food units. Procure food units. Mark trail coded foodunit-identify-locationverify. Deposit food units in food storage areas. Follow trail coded foodunit-identify-locationverify. Repeat actions. Identify-evade forager worker single unit consumers to prolong food unit procurement time period. Serve the colony organism. Serve the queenmother single unit. Subservience of individual single mind to colony groupmind.
State Og: bridging the gap between humanity and the godless lower animals.
Congratulations to all of the employees at our own State Og Tijuana Branch for their performance on last week's company audit. You passed the audit with flying colors, aside from the forty-seven employees who were silently escorted to the cafeteria, never to be heard from again. We at the corporate office recognize the vast cultural gulch that separates us from our Mexican colleagues. Nevertheless, the following changes must be introduced over the next few weeks in keeping with longstanding State Og principles.
- The Tijuana office will immediately comply with local and international child labor laws. Well& law might be too strong of a term, they're really just suggestions. Starting immediately, children are not to be hired, enslaved, or otherwise put to work without a written note from that child's parent, physician, or State Og-approved kidnapper. Children under five must be given bathroom breaks at least once a day and beatings must be properly documented and the labor cost deducted from the child's salary.
- Mid-afternoon siestas are to be taken by management only. Siestas will be taken between 11:00 - 3:00 and will not exceed two hours in length, unless sexual dalliances are involved. Non-management employees cannot exit the facilities during their lunch break and must wear a poncho and sombrero at all times to signify their off-work status.
- The water supply will be brought into compliance with State Og purity standards. Rampant dysentery detracts greatly from productivity. Furthermore, the levels of psychotropic drugs and behavior-altering hormones are far below required levels. Remember our State Og motto: a happy employee is a hormone-crazed, doped-up junkie.
- The Tijuana office will adopt standard medical and insurance practices by the end of the fiscal year. We realize and respect that there are certain human rights differences between Mexico and the United States. Nevertheless, to protect liability and reduce expenses, the facility medical center will require fingerprint, retinal, and genetic confirmation before treating employees. Naturally, the cost of these tests will not be counted toward the insurance deductible.
Aside from these minor alterations, we expect day-to-day operations to continue as usual. We appreciate the tireless, 80-hour work week efforts of our Tijuana office staff and wish to congratulate you over the success of Baby's First Tequila. As our State Og family continues to expand, we expect to bring our Central American and Southeast Asian "sweatshop" offices into the fold, which will likely bring many opportunities for management advancement to our south-of-the-border colleagues.
In other news, the cafeteria will now be serving delicious State Og brand Meatie Gobblets" through the end of the month.
Good luck from your American overlords,
President, State Og Foreign Operations Division
- State Og Representative